Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

My boss refused to say goodnight to me. I shouldn’t care but it feels like it was my fault. I couldn’t do one of my tasks because I was in too much pain today. She seems disappointed in me.

No one else left on time either, but I’m always bothering her.

I’m doing my best. This job doesn’t suit me. It’s much too triggering in every way.

And my dad’s Facebook account got hacked, so I got a strange message from him that said, “Is this you in this 18+ video? Confirm? I think it’s you!” and that didn’t help at all.

I decided to reply to let him know he was hacked. He reminded me to never open videos that require you to open an app. He replied to me so fast and was excited to hear from me.

I’m not sure that describes a sociopath. Does it?

I’m in a lot of pain today and life is hard. My mom’s disability went through though. I’m suspicious about it but she may be getting 1800$ a month. That’s more than I’m making, so bills could get easier, if that actually happens.

 

[littleoc]

I just don’t feel good enough. That’s it.

I didn’t want to bring it up again because it’s all over the first page of my diary but I’m sick and tired of not being able to do the same things everyone else can, or even just all the amazing things I used to do. I’m burned out.

I can’t do this job anymore. I can’t. I think I need help getting the energy to apply to new ones. Maybe I’ll go to Scottie’s house and create a study atmosphere. He needs to study the driver’s manual so I can teach him how to drive.

 

[littleoc]

I haven’t been able to meet with my psychiatrist in over eight months. They keep telling me she’s okay but she’s canceled for a long time. I saw a glimpse of her and she looks looked like a corpse. I think the staff are lying to me about her health.

 

[littleoc]

I deserve to be treated like someone who’s actually trying.

 

[littleoc]

Do I need disability? Can you work while on disability? Part time?

 

[littleoc]

Oh. And winter tornadoes. Winter. It’ll be food next. Our way of life is unfair and only hurting everyone else. I say, sitting in my car at the gas station waiting until I stop crying to pump and go home. Might buy a heater.

 

[littleoc]

Why am i even depressed? Most people don’t have it this good. The homeless lady I gave my money to. She needed more help than that. Didn’t know where her kids were. Husband cheated and kicked her out to the streets.

 

[littleoc]

I hate the way my messages sound. It looks like im trying to get sympathy. I’m not. I’m just angry. I’m not needy.

 

[bellbird]

You have every right to be angry, and to voice that anger here.

I wish I could help somehow, but know that when I say that I'm still not reading your posts as someone who is just asking for sympathy.

And my dad’s Facebook account got hacked, so I got a strange message from him that said, “Is this you in this 18+ video? Confirm? I think it’s you!” and that didn’t help at all.

Oh god. I'm so sorry. That would have been horrible.

I haven’t been able to meet with my psychiatrist in over eight months. They keep telling me she’s okay but she’s canceled for a long time. I saw a glimpse of her and she looks looked like a corpse. I think the staff are lying to me about her health.

Is it possible to see another psychiatrist?

I deserve to be treated like someone who’s actually trying.

YES!!!!!!

Do I need disability? Can you work while on disability? Part time?

In NZ you are able to work part time on disability.
I think it sounds like an awesome avenue to explore for yourself. Are there any US disability resources online/helplines you can call to see if you qualify?

 

[littleoc]

18 Reasons You Should Start Looking for Another Job

This was useful to me just now, I thought y’all might like it. I’d share it to Facebook but I don’t need my job guessing if I’m unsatisfied yet. Polishing up resume first.

 

[littleoc]

Oh god. I'm so sorry. That would have been horrible.

It was definitely awkward :/ Would be less awkward if there wasn’t any reason to worry that it wasn’t a hack.

Good times

Is it possible to see another psychiatrist?

Probably? I’d be afraid to, though. I’m mostly just worried about her, but I think I need a stronger anxiety med too. I’m not sure. She didn’t want to give me anything too strong though.

Are there any US disability resources online/helplines you can call to see if you qualify?

Maybe? Lemme look

Thanks, bellbirb

 

[Juso]

Hey ❤

I’m doing my best. This job doesn’t suit me. It’s much too triggering in every way.

I deserve to be treated like someone who’s actually trying.

I can totally relate to this. I remember that while waitressing, I wasn't good enough no matter how hard I tried, just because my memory was/is so bad, because people I had to be nice to were rude or sexist, because my brain couldnt deal with all the sounds and lights, because some of my coworkers hated me for no reason and talked shit about me behind my back. I had nightmares about it and was also constantly run down by my boss. I felt a lot of shame, so hearing you say "I deserve to be treated like someone who's actually trying" made me feel relieved, because you put something into words that I didn't have words for before.

I’m not sure that describes a sociopath. Does it?

I guess since sociopaths aren't born sociopathic, its possible that they still have "human" parts in them that we can relate to. Those parts are probably just very weak and almost invisible.

My mom’s disability went through though. I’m suspicious about it but she may be getting 1800$ a month. That’s more than I’m making, so bills could get easier, if that actually happens.

Thats awesome!

I’m sick and tired of not being able to do the same things everyone else can, or even just all the amazing things I used to do. I’m burned out

I understand, and I'm sorry.