Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I am STILL anxious. I discovered there is a trigger just surrounding my mom, and normally it’s nothing but I’ve been a bit on-edge. :/

Cat room is completed. I’m meeting a dog on Friday who may be a candidate for my next service dog. His name, currently, is Hank. So, I’m gonna quickly make room for him, just in case.

It’s okay if he doesn’t fit the bill. I was just very drawn to him. We have the same kind of history — locked in a cage. So I feel like we can form a good connection, even if he can’t work. We can just meet, and see if Hank and Nestle like each other. And then see if Hank likes cats. But first I gotta see if he gets along with Nestles.

 

[littleoc]

That part makes me nervous. That I’m already nervous isn’t particularly helpful, but hey.

 

[littleoc]

Tornadoes ? ⛈ ?

 

[littleoc]

I’m having a hard time speaking or typing lately, sorry for not being my wordy, talkative self lately

 

[littleoc]

Well. Not sorry. Apologetic?

 

[littleoc]

My goal is to apply to five jobs a day starting on Monday. 35 total is my goal. I cannot take my current job anymore. Even with mostly kind coworkers. I don’t know how to talk about what happened. It was several things. I wasn’t able to discuss with therapist either.

 

[littleoc]

I am grateful for the opportunity to work where I have, though. It has been an all around good experience. Just too triggering in too many ways.

Someone called my job the easiest one there the other day and i didn’t want to be hurt. I am doing my best. It’s so overwhelming and too similar to the tasks I had to do for my dad as punishment. A manager in training made fun of my disabilities Thursday night. He’s been frightening me but I refuse to show it. His face is too dramatic. Looks like my dad’s.

 

[littleoc]

There’s other stuff but my brain shuts down the ability to make words when I try to explain. Too frustrating. I’m very tired though. It might be that exhaustion is making it worse than usual.

These Sunday shifts are so bad I’m spending the week dreading them. I’m going to find a different job. I’m sure they’d love to be references for me, though. They really like me. No awards for me. They thwarted that by telling me disabled people only work certain roles. They’re trying to be inclusive and they know I have goals elsewhere besides working there but it does hurt.

 

[littleoc]

Today was a good day, though. The dog I met was very sweet. Not qualified for service work, unfortunately, so I asked for updates on how he’s doing finding a forever home. ?

 

[littleoc]

Looks like my dad’s.

I can’t see faces. I mean his expressions. He’s faking emotions and is positive he’s the best human alive. He’s playing a system. He probably hasn’t murdered anyone, though. But he’s clearly sociopathic. It unnerves me even though so far he’s mainly harmless.

Would help if my job didn’t expose me to literally several triggers a day, which I’ve been handling AMAZINGLY WELL by the way.

 

[littleoc]

Fun fact. I think y’all will like this one. The reason we (well, those of us with uteruses) have period cramps is because of how the uterus sheds it’s lining. The uterus has one of the thickest linings in the body because its job to is support an embryo so it becomes a fetus with a developed placenta. Before the placenta, the embryo “eats” the lining. (The lining has other jobs later, I think? Don’t quote me on that particular part, though.) But, with no baby, the uterus decides to start over. Blood vessels are constricted so the tissue can detach from the uterus and leave the body. To do this, the uterus constricts its walls to kind of shake off the lining.

It’s easier to explain when you’re holding a human uterus in your hands (legally, from a donor) :p

Dang, I just realized my last period was like a year ago. I wonder if I should care about that

Saying fun facts always cheers me up. Have y’all seen a human lung before (in hopefully a not dark context, bless y’all)? It’s amazing how massive it is



That relaxed me enough to realize I’m hungry. I suppose I just needed to slow my thoughts for a moment to re-regulate a little bit

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug: