From my experience, I never had a change that did not precipitated by a high frustration/anxiety so high that I thought I would never see the light again. In therapy, they call the optimum frustration - there is a point where the frustration/anxiety can be unbearable and no advantage but there is a point where a good change comes after certain level of adversity/anxiety/frustration in life.
What is happening (and I could be wrong) is that a) you may not have a therapy or a good one to guide you how to maximize your recovery phases and also that your framing is problematic.
the first one is self-explanatory but let me say more about the second. All therapy really does is to help you cope anxiety so you can see the other side and when you get there, hold it and experience it enough to have your brain and body change to accommodate the new neurons being created or integrate. but your framing, use of language, understanding your past and making meaning of it all have to align for this to pass beyond a quick epiphany.
I journal to hold the feelings. I look for patterns (sometimes it takes many epiphanies to get one layer of integration laid).
I use group therapy to talk about it and make it more real by relating it to others and remembering them longer.
I use my dreams to help me further so I fantasize about my new clarity so it can seep deeper into my consciousness.
I can give you an example: I have had a lot of hate toward my mother but could not find how this may manifest often..where does it go? I am in therapy as well as group therapy so I am in the midst of all. But for some reason, I am also in therapy school and I find myself fantasizing about the population I like to help when I finish school. I feel I would work better with men who abuse their intimate partner or jail populations...all these time, I am experiencing a lot of anxiety (high frustrations). Then it downed on me that my fantasizes were about people who are violent. I have a very violent background...long story of processing short. I came to the realization that my hate toward my mother manifested as hostility in me. and I can be hostile when crossed or when I am threatened. I managed an OK life not to end in jail or abuse anyone but that was it. I managed that much hostility and was owning it. I was in euphoria by now...I own such an ugly side and I feel I could help others like me who maybe did not manage as well...who knows.
my point is this....I write my new findings and find ways to insert in my life to make sense of them...and I aim to reap the benefits.
I am not sure if this post makes sense to you at all...but you are gifted and you are lucky to actually have moments of clarity...it just means there is veil of dissociation or something that comes down to block it afterwards...but that is you...it is all you and hope you increase that incrementally and good luck.
