Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

yay!! so happy you are back and your stress is gone!

 

[littleoc]

Not stress free, exactly, but close enough :P

Need to get the cat downstairs. Sleep is important.

 

[Freida]

Stress/less -- I'll take it! :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I just realized — I’m letting both my parents influence my behavior for the same shitty reason.

That I might be hurting their feelings ?

Lame

 

[littleoc]

Also my hometown is being an asshole about the protests and it made it hard to sleep, so I kind of... didn’t

My mom was shitty as well. Wasn’t trying to be. We clash way too much. I told her I’m planning on moving out in the next two years. Hopefully she manages to remember that. Her memory got shitty.

I have noticed I have a specific fear with social media. I become crippled at the idea that I may have said the wrong thing. Even when I know that either (1) nothing I said was terrible or (2) what I said took a certain side that I wouldn’t hide from.

I’m thinking this has to do with my sister in law posting anti-Semetic, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-whatever, things on my posts and private messaging me demanding for explanations about what I believe.

Nuts. But I think it’s also an amplification of my regular social anxiety. In groups, I tend to try to just be agreeable. That’s impossible to do through social media. Especially if I want to LEAD conversations — say, to sell a book series. Or, uh. Current events of any kind. It’s GOOD to have an opinion.

May was apparently ADHD month (new info to me) so I’ve been learning about it in between flashbacks of Brandi. Yay to remember June, by the way!

I learned that people with ADHD have a harder time emotional regulation, because emotions are STRONG and get hyper-focused on. On top of that, many people with ADHD also have a disorder unique to ADHD-suffers, called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It reminded me of BPD when reading about it, which is something I don’t have but am familiar with. The major difference I noticed was that someone with BPD will always worry they’re about to be rejected, while someone with RSD will eventually get comfortable with the new people they meet and stop being terrified that that one person is judging them.

I need to read more about it and talk to my therapist about it. I do have trauma related to being rejected. That will make it both harder to tease out which is causing the most problems, and make it more intense of an issue for me.

I hope to be able to cope with this enough that the public would be surprised to learn that I have social anxiety. That’s a goal, if you didn’t notice.

 

[siniang]

I learned that people with ADHD have a harder time emotional regulation, because emotions are STRONG and get hyper-focused on. On top of that, many people with ADHD also have a disorder unique to ADHD-suffers, called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It reminded me of BPD when reading about it, which is something I don’t have but am familiar with. The major difference I noticed was that someone with BPD will always worry they’re about to be rejected, while someone with RSD will eventually get comfortable with the new people they meet and stop being terrified that that one person is judging them.

Have you been diagnosed with ADHD? I know you have a OCD Dx, if I'm not completely mistaken?

Emotional dysregulation (including RSD) is a major part of ADHD, one that unfortunately is still not widely acknowledged/known by many PDocs and Ts, who tend to exclusively focus on the hyperactivity and attention symptoms. There're many calls within the ADHD community for emotional dysregulation to make it into the diagnostic criteria.

I have zero experience with BPD, so I may be completely absolutely wrong, but from what I've read and understood is that on the surface, RSD and fear of abandonment in BPD look very very similar, but are quite different in many ways. From my understanding (again, which could be completely off), fear of abandonment in BPD is quite literal: your significant other breaking up with you, your parents abandoning you etc.... whereas in RSD it isn't so mach that one fears to be abandoned (though it can be included) and more of an "not belonging", hence the extreme reactions for example towards criticism. From what I've read and experienced so far, RSD is more complex/multilayered than fear of abandonment in BPD.

Check out www.additudemag.com, there's a number of really good articles on RSD. Also, if you're on Instagram, check out ADHDalien who has a few pretty good comics on the topic.

Obviously, trauma related to rejection will make things more convoluted and as you stated harder to tease out, but RSD absolutely is a thing - if you have ADHD, don't let someone convince you otherwise just because you ALSO have convergent trauma. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I really wish J. K. Rowling would stop tweeting already. Is she even relevant anymore? It caused a spur of anti-trans talk on my feed that I was totally not prepared for. Hurt a bit. Also, it's stupid.

I've used all my money in protests but I myself couldn't go, and I felt weird about that. I get invited to a protest or march nearly every year, and it feels good that my friends keep inviting me and keep giving me the chance to grow in my trauma healing and potential say "yes" one day instead of inviting myself. But on the other end, I get this intense fear that they think I'm making excuses and think I'm lying about disabilities to get out of doing my part. So, I end up buying supplies for them (which I think IS a good way to cope with this, since I only spend ~$200 maximum on these types of things yearly), re-posting things repeatedly, etc etc. Then I worry about my neighbors knowing my political stance.

I'm not sure how much of that is OCD. I know logically no one cares what I'm doing, most of the time.

But all this political stuff has made me more comfortable in saying a few "taboo" things. I had a discussion with a bunch of fellow Jews, some Orthodox, and found out that nearly all of us had very mixed feelings about circumcision. I thought I was the only one who felt it was wrong. It seems to be a "don't ask, don't tell" type deal right now. I looked online and found that this seems to be the case. So, there's another cool thing to look into changing in this decade.

I should go to bed. I ramble when I'm tired.

I had a very metaphoric dream about abusers still running my life after they technically no longer matter. I'll share that later. I'll also finally do some work on Brandi and the month of May. I think it's time to do that.

I can't work on any other type of trauma, really. Not while in my childhood home. But, I had previously made a LOT of progress. So. Time to make progress on another front.

And celebrate the fact that I've stopped missing her.

 

[littleoc]

Have you been diagnosed with ADHD? I know you have a OCD Dx, if I'm not completely mistaken?

Emotional dysregulation (including RSD) is a major part of ADHD, one that unfortunately is still not widely acknowledged/known by many PDocs and Ts, who tend to exclusively focus on the hyperactivity and attention symptoms. There're many calls within the ADHD community for emotional dysregulation to make it into the diagnostic criteria.

I have zero experience with BPD, so I may be completely absolutely wrong, but from what I've read and understood is that on the surface, RSD and fear of abandonment in BPD look very very similar, but are quite different in many ways. From my understanding (again, which could be completely off), fear of abandonment in BPD is quite literal: your significant other breaking up with you, your parents abandoning you etc.... whereas in RSD it isn't so mach that one fears to be abandoned (though it can be included) and more of an "not belonging", hence the extreme reactions for example towards criticism. From what I've read and experienced so far, RSD is more complex/multilayered than fear of abandonment in BPD.

Check out www.additudemag.com, there's a number of really good articles on RSD. Also, if you're on Instagram, check out ADHDalien who has a few pretty good comics on the topic.

Obviously, trauma related to rejection will make things more convoluted and as you stated harder to tease out, but RSD absolutely is a thing - if you have ADHD, don't let someone convince you otherwise just because you ALSO have convergent trauma. :hug:

Thank you for all this information!

And yes, I've been diagnosed with, in order of diagnoses: ADHD (age 9), generalized anxiety disorder (age 9), "adjustment disorder" (aged 11, was a misdiagnosis), OCD (age 13), major depression (13), PTSD (13, but doc thinks I had it as a toddler), and TBI (age 21 I think? It was in 2016, but I'd had multiple undiagnosed ones previously).

The point of the ages is that it's weird I wasn't properly treated for ADHD since it was the first thing I was ever diagnosed with, AND I was technically not diagnosed for the right reasons. I was only diagnosed for "misbehaving" and not doing any work, which while ADHD did make that much harder, the reality is that I was living with an abuser who was literally locking me in a cage, so of course I was going to act out in class! It's incredible the teacher complained to my PARENTS about my very obvious reaching-out-for-help behavior!

I might suddenly say weird things like that for a bit -- I recently uncovered a memory of child sexual abuse from an aunt and it made me angry.

Anyway, yes, I have an ADHD diagnosis! And despite it being the first mental health diagnosis on my record, I still haven't received any therapy at all for it except to use medications, which my doctor was literally shaming me for using. Even the last time I saw her. Even though it helped with emotional dysregulations.

Same doctor who told me I shouldn't have breast surgery because it might effect my ability to breast feed. I just found out that trans men who choose to get pregnant chestfeed. They don't have breasts... and somehow it's going to affect me...?

Pretty annoying.

Because I was diagnosed first with ADHD before PTSD, a lot of doctors try to tell me that the diagnosis for ADHD was wrong because of the circumstances, which I partially agree with because I was diagnosed for the wrong reasons. But trying to explain this every time to every new doctor is frustrating. It hasn't happened in the last year though. Some doctors are becoming better educated on ADHD, which is great.

Thanks again for that, and the link. I do have an instagram, so I'll look into that!

 

[littleoc]

One more thing: The other day my mom very suddenly, without any kind of warning at all, described a graphic scene where she was raped by someone. I was trying to eat pancakes I'd just made. New recipe. Banana pancakes. Delicious.

Now I'm having trouble with all bananas.

In the moment I got up and loudly announced "OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO EAT OUTSIDE" and then she KEPT TALKING in that way I have to respond to or it'll make her feel bad?

My aunt was visiting so she could still talk to her sister about it.

I texted a friend about it and then had him tell me about a show he liked as a little kid. I had to pointedly look away from the pedophile's old house as the new dad who lives there came out the front door with his young daughter, and his dog.

My brain is now associating bananas with this. But I think it's early enough to reverse the damage. I have banana bread and I'm going to eat it in the back yard while summoning every good memory about bananas and banana flavored items. That includes telling my nephew about bananas and the many clones and species that no longer exist while he was eating a banana Popsicle (which I still have! maybe i should eat one of those too!!), the time I made the goddamn pancakes, that time when I was a toddler that I snuck out in the night and poked holes in every banana (my toddler brain knew it needed stimulation if I was gonna grow up to be the smarticle particle I am now!), etc. etc.

I really think it will work. I think I may be able to even change bananas into a comfortable smell and taste I can bring up the next time something like this happens, so that I can calm down next time something like this happens.

While I was outside eating my pancakes, though, I heard my aunt and mom raise their voices at each other, and I was glad I went outside instead of into the office, like my friend suggested. I would have felt trapped in there. Outside, I could go anywhere.

Then my mom opened the front door and went, "Becca-boo? I love you and I'm sorry."

That's the first time I've ever gotten an apology from her for something like this. So the yelling may have been my aunt sticking up for me. Or maybe not. It was a neat development that took me by surprise. And messed me up. I realized I didn't want her to apologize. It's hard to explain. But at least she did. It is definitely better than not apologizing, no matter my feelings on the subject.

She also has been more open minded about trans and race topics. She had dropped any racist ideas she had left and is trying to do her part to support POC. It's pretty cool.

I still stop her from saying political things. She doesn't quite respect that boundary. At least she's better than most adults I've dealt with growing up, but... I would be much more comfortable if I had space. I want my own place again. I keep thinking about that rental house in Sewanee so much that it's become my happy place. I keep dreaming of this angel (who's trying so hard to look human, but it really isn't working, he still looks like a scary Old Testament angel with a lot of eyes, kinda spider-like in the face, SEVERAL wings like if a centipede had wings) and one of the places he wanted to explore (in my dream, we're talking about a dream I had if I didn't make that clear already; I'm very tired, don't mind me) was literally that rental house. He said he liked the rugs I chose for it. Haha.

 

[littleoc]

By the way, I'm thinking about going by a different name. Do y'all have opinions on variations of Nic, Nick, Nik, Nico, Niko...? I'm looking for a nickname for a Nicolas.

Maybe this isn't the best place to post that, though? It's nearly 6:30am and I haven't slept yet, lol

 

[littleoc]

I won’t tell this story here, [....] but I can’t deal with gender for crap[...]. [....]

[...]I don’t talk about gender. But I accept everyone else’s [...]. Sexuality I do get, sort of. I seem to like feminine men and feminine women. And Tom-boyish women. And women. And since I’m biologically female, even though that makes me feel weird to say (long story), that must make me gay. Good enough label for now!

This is from a private group, so you won't be able to see the source, but it's from 2018. I'm finding posts like this everywhere, back to when I first learned to write. Very validating to have evidence that I'm not making up how I feel.

 

[somerandomguy]

We will accept you any way that you are, @littleoc.

Feminists in the UK tend to be more on the TERF side, unfortunately, which is why Rowling thought nothing of posting anti-trans stuff. It's acceptable over there, sadly.

Thanks for being so brave and bringing up circumcision. It's a good thing to hear.

I'm so, so glad you've stopped missing her! That's huge!!