Catlovers141
Confident
Content note: Childhood sexual abuse (though no details given in this post).
I was sexually abused as a very little child by a family member whom I recently found out has been having ongoing health crises and is likely to not survive for very much longer. This has brought up a lot for me both in terms of how I feel about him and preparing myself for how I want to handle when he does pass away. I have so many mixed emotions and they feel so conflicting. Sometimes I'm so angry at what happened to me that it feels really great to see him suffer, especially since the same traits that I believe led him to be abusive are the same ones that are ultimately killing him now -- there is a sense of poetic justice in that. Other times I feel guilty about feeling that way, and want to move towards forgiveness and compassion but am not sure what that looks like without excusing the behavior. It is sad that the way he grew up contributed to his behaviors and that ultimately those things are shortening his life, and that he might not get the peace that I would want most everyone to have. But I also don't want him to have it. And then I feel guilty for not wanting that, and start wanting it again. I want him to be held accountable but I also want to be able to feel okay about myself. It doesn't feel good to me when I take pleasure in his suffering, even though I believe he deserves it and so much more. Has anyone had similar struggles? How do you balance such conflicting perspectives?
I'm also thinking about if there is anything I would want to say or do while he is still alive. I told his wife about the abuse, and she told him that I disclosed to her, so I've confronted him indirectly. But I know that I have limited time where he is still alive and want to make sure I am not missing anything. Is there anything that you would have wanted to say or do while your abuser was still alive?
I was sexually abused as a very little child by a family member whom I recently found out has been having ongoing health crises and is likely to not survive for very much longer. This has brought up a lot for me both in terms of how I feel about him and preparing myself for how I want to handle when he does pass away. I have so many mixed emotions and they feel so conflicting. Sometimes I'm so angry at what happened to me that it feels really great to see him suffer, especially since the same traits that I believe led him to be abusive are the same ones that are ultimately killing him now -- there is a sense of poetic justice in that. Other times I feel guilty about feeling that way, and want to move towards forgiveness and compassion but am not sure what that looks like without excusing the behavior. It is sad that the way he grew up contributed to his behaviors and that ultimately those things are shortening his life, and that he might not get the peace that I would want most everyone to have. But I also don't want him to have it. And then I feel guilty for not wanting that, and start wanting it again. I want him to be held accountable but I also want to be able to feel okay about myself. It doesn't feel good to me when I take pleasure in his suffering, even though I believe he deserves it and so much more. Has anyone had similar struggles? How do you balance such conflicting perspectives?
I'm also thinking about if there is anything I would want to say or do while he is still alive. I told his wife about the abuse, and she told him that I disclosed to her, so I've confronted him indirectly. But I know that I have limited time where he is still alive and want to make sure I am not missing anything. Is there anything that you would have wanted to say or do while your abuser was still alive?