Itsnotyouitsme
Learning
Hi all,
It’s been a little while. A little while of a lot of self work, revelations, further adaptation to triggers, symptoms, sleepless nights..
And just as things were getting ‘good’ life has once more fallen apart in its entirety. I once more find myself in a place whereby I must rebuild it all again, only two years since my trauma. Two painful years of getting to know myself all over again, two painful years of building a lifetime from scratch.
Of course old habits die hard, my initial response to the situation? Distraction. Oh bitter sweet distraction, how I hate to see your ugly face once more. This was my absolute go to when my world turned upside down in 2018. I tried to run so far away from it all to forget it ever existed. To pretend it didn’t. In the hope that maybe then, it really didn’t happen..
Until I realised that distraction didn’t serve me. I could do it all only to be hit with reality shortly after, the same reality every time - it DID happen, life IS different, I AM different, I can’t keep running.
I got myself through my darkest days on my own. I recognise the strength it took me to do that when in reality, I didn’t even want to exist anymore. I don’t really know why I fought to go on but I did. And yet, although I have been through the worst, it feels like I will not get through this..
My strong has run out.
It’s been a little while. A little while of a lot of self work, revelations, further adaptation to triggers, symptoms, sleepless nights..
And just as things were getting ‘good’ life has once more fallen apart in its entirety. I once more find myself in a place whereby I must rebuild it all again, only two years since my trauma. Two painful years of getting to know myself all over again, two painful years of building a lifetime from scratch.
Of course old habits die hard, my initial response to the situation? Distraction. Oh bitter sweet distraction, how I hate to see your ugly face once more. This was my absolute go to when my world turned upside down in 2018. I tried to run so far away from it all to forget it ever existed. To pretend it didn’t. In the hope that maybe then, it really didn’t happen..
Until I realised that distraction didn’t serve me. I could do it all only to be hit with reality shortly after, the same reality every time - it DID happen, life IS different, I AM different, I can’t keep running.
I got myself through my darkest days on my own. I recognise the strength it took me to do that when in reality, I didn’t even want to exist anymore. I don’t really know why I fought to go on but I did. And yet, although I have been through the worst, it feels like I will not get through this..
My strong has run out.