PunkLadyBug
New Here
We've started dating a year ago and we had on and off periods during this time.
Basically the whole time we've been dating, the relationship was damaged by my then not diagnosed depression, anxiety and cptsd (I got the diagnosis in January this year).
I didn't even realise I was pushing him away, that I struggled with intimacy, that I feared intimacy. I know now that I struggle with intimacy, with trust issues, with communication - basically intimate relationships are my Achilles heel right now (which is no wonder, after going through a lot during my childhood and teenage years).
I realise how my behaviour in the past damaged his trust and intimacy (to the point that it looks like I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with him, that I'm having an affair, etc), and since I became aware I'm fully invested into self growth and overriding these learned behaviours.
I've gone through self help books, and I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy. I'm applying and focusing on doing the right thing every day (communicate my feelings and needs, listening, trust, not perceive everything as an attack or criticism, not storm off during an argument, etc).
Thing is, I'm not fully there yet. This new and good behaviour is inconsistent, which frustrates me and of course, makes my partner go mad - the fact that he's a very reactive person doesn't help me at all to manage my symptoms. On top of this, my sex drive is barely even there. I'm most of the time never in the mood, I'm not even interested in being fully naked in front of him because I feel so incredibly vulnerable.
I've let my partner know about the trauma I've experienced in the past, how it affected me, how it makes me react like I do, how much and what I'm doing to check myself before reacting. But it's never good enough for him. The suspicion that I'm not actually into him or that I'm cheating is still in place.
I totally understand he has normal and valid needs in a relationship, but I'm not at the moment able to fully fulfil those needs, at least not consistently.
I'm not sure if he has unrealistic needs from me now. I'm doing my best every day, and nothing seems to be enough.
Since July my mental state got worse, my depression got so worse, I was suicidal, that on top of self harming. I went to see a crisis team, then spent weeks in a crisis house. Every day is a battle for me, and despite this I'm getting out of bed, eating, holding a full time job, getting out of the house, cleaning, doing laundry, exercising at least a couple of times per week, while still having strong and loud intrusive thoughts every day, while not seeing there's a point in living anymore - for which I'm proud of, I know how hard it is to just get out of bed.
I barely have any energy left to do anything, let alone focus on being better in a relationship, although I do care about him and do want to make him feel loved and wanted.
In the past and now I'm doing as much as I can to show him that I love and appreciate him, words, getting him sweets, inviting him over to spend time with me to watch a movie, cards, even drawings. Nothing is ever good enough. He's still unhappy with me, still complains every day about how horrible I've been, still doesn't see the symptoms, still thinks I'm not doing anything different to show him that I've changed, still thinks my behaviour and me pushing him away is because I'm cheating.
Any advice or insights?
Basically the whole time we've been dating, the relationship was damaged by my then not diagnosed depression, anxiety and cptsd (I got the diagnosis in January this year).
I didn't even realise I was pushing him away, that I struggled with intimacy, that I feared intimacy. I know now that I struggle with intimacy, with trust issues, with communication - basically intimate relationships are my Achilles heel right now (which is no wonder, after going through a lot during my childhood and teenage years).
I realise how my behaviour in the past damaged his trust and intimacy (to the point that it looks like I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with him, that I'm having an affair, etc), and since I became aware I'm fully invested into self growth and overriding these learned behaviours.
I've gone through self help books, and I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy. I'm applying and focusing on doing the right thing every day (communicate my feelings and needs, listening, trust, not perceive everything as an attack or criticism, not storm off during an argument, etc).
Thing is, I'm not fully there yet. This new and good behaviour is inconsistent, which frustrates me and of course, makes my partner go mad - the fact that he's a very reactive person doesn't help me at all to manage my symptoms. On top of this, my sex drive is barely even there. I'm most of the time never in the mood, I'm not even interested in being fully naked in front of him because I feel so incredibly vulnerable.
I've let my partner know about the trauma I've experienced in the past, how it affected me, how it makes me react like I do, how much and what I'm doing to check myself before reacting. But it's never good enough for him. The suspicion that I'm not actually into him or that I'm cheating is still in place.
I totally understand he has normal and valid needs in a relationship, but I'm not at the moment able to fully fulfil those needs, at least not consistently.
I'm not sure if he has unrealistic needs from me now. I'm doing my best every day, and nothing seems to be enough.
Since July my mental state got worse, my depression got so worse, I was suicidal, that on top of self harming. I went to see a crisis team, then spent weeks in a crisis house. Every day is a battle for me, and despite this I'm getting out of bed, eating, holding a full time job, getting out of the house, cleaning, doing laundry, exercising at least a couple of times per week, while still having strong and loud intrusive thoughts every day, while not seeing there's a point in living anymore - for which I'm proud of, I know how hard it is to just get out of bed.
I barely have any energy left to do anything, let alone focus on being better in a relationship, although I do care about him and do want to make him feel loved and wanted.
In the past and now I'm doing as much as I can to show him that I love and appreciate him, words, getting him sweets, inviting him over to spend time with me to watch a movie, cards, even drawings. Nothing is ever good enough. He's still unhappy with me, still complains every day about how horrible I've been, still doesn't see the symptoms, still thinks I'm not doing anything different to show him that I've changed, still thinks my behaviour and me pushing him away is because I'm cheating.
Any advice or insights?