Is it really not good enough?

Friday

Moderator
What I don't know is how much of an a** am I actually? How much do I actually just blame my trauma & depression and not do anything that matters?
Irrelevant to the question of : Why do you want to be with him?

Completely relevant to the question of : What kind of person do you want to be?

But they’re two very very different questions.

You can be 100% the asshole, completely in the wrong; meanwhile he’s a perfect person who treats you like you hung the moon… and? Still not want to be with him. The 2 things aren’t linked the way they so often feel linked.

You don’t have to figure out how much of an asshole you are -or were, or may continue to be- to figure out what you want from him specifically, and from relationships in general.

If it helps? Try writing 2 lists:

1. Why you want to be with HIM
2. Why you want to be with someone

Expect to have to move some items on the “him” list, to “someone” as you make them. Because they’re things about you, and what you want from any relationship yojre in, not things about him as an individual you’ve chosen to have in your life.

(Wanting to be held is an example I often use, from the first year after my divorce. Because my standards had dropped so low, all I required of a man -with my WHOLE heart, I’m not being glib, my greatest desire for almost a solid year down to my bones, or maybe even my soul- was a pair of arms. Most men? Have arms. Or with even one arm they can stil pull me tight to their chest, as I listen to their heartbeat, and feel -even for a moment- that everything will be alright. Great. I require arms AND not being dead. FFS, Friday, up your game! Arms and a pulse? Aren’t something that you should be basing -or starting, or staying- in a relationship. Don’t be with a man because you like being held by him. Being held is something you want in ANY relationship. <<< See how that’s about me, and not about who I’m with?)


Yep. Neither of those lists address whether or not you’re an asshole.
1. Who you want to be
2. Your goal list (IE Where you’re starting off from / can’t get to somewhere if you don’t know where you are, ya know?)
3. What are the most annoying things & things that cause the most problems/challenges in your life, now?

For example?
Let’s say one of the items on the person you’re striving to be / want to be is someone who is highly respected by others. But? That requires having people in your life who value the same things as you do. Which requires knowing what YOU value, accurately assessing what other people value so you can connect with them, actually connecting with them AND disconnecting from people who don’t share your values… which requires? Self confidence, discretion, etc., etc., etc. See what I mean? For any single aspect of who you want to be, where you ARE determines the goals to set for yourself. Like a branching tree. Which can be overwhelming… or? You can think of each branch as a success that builds reeeeally strong roots.

Because it’s not just “be respected”. Respected by whom? For what? And all the rest of it.

The person any of us WANT to be? Is a symphony. Not a single instrument, or single note. Creating that symphony? Sure, you can think of it as work… or you can think of it as art. Whilst life is perfecting an artform.

I know I’m mixing my metaphors a bit… the roots of a tree creating it’s strength… the sound & silence of a thousand things (instruments, notes, measures, movements) all working and changing over time, to create a finished piece. I’m doing that (mostly, kinda, sorta on purpose) because when I’m symptomatic I’m very black&white / all-or-nothing / if it’s not true now it will never be true. Trees and symphonies? ARE complex systems, that still work in my trauma-brain. Because they’re not shades of grey, but true/not true. The complexity isn’t “it will never work”, but actually HOW it works. Lots of things to work on? Is a good thing. It creates the thing I want.

- Annoyances are not only “easy” solves (or they wouldn’t be annoying; they’d be infuriating, or soul crushing, despairing, etc.) BUT the inverse of annoying? Is a thing very close to excitement (excitement & fear are the inverse of each other)… bordering on happy/ satisfied/ proud/ etc. Remove the annoyance and what do you have? Will change depending on what’s annoying the f*ck out of you.
- The things causing the most problems in your life? Are going to be problematic, by nature, far more often than not. Or they wouldn’t be big problems. Which means you’ll be chipping away at them in a lot of different ways for a long time.

^^^ By annoyances and big problems… you’re creating a prioritizing system. PTSD? Suicidal Depression? Those are big problems that you’re gonna be working on, and that are going to be affecting your life, regardless of what else you’re working on, struggling with, or achieving with (style, grace, panache, verve, ease, whatever color you want your achievements radiating).

I picked 2 not-so-cheerful examples of what’s causing the most problems, but they can also be GOOD things, with monumental problems attached, that you’re not handling in a way you’re proud of, or that suits you right down to the ground, or are erratic, or whatever. Like being a parent, or pursuing a university degree. Just because a good/great/amazing thing can be eyeballs deep in problems? Doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, or bad student, and should give away your kids and drop out of school. (I should mention, I have no idea if you’re a parent or in school. I’m picking things I have experience with, is all.) It simply means it’s a BIG thing, that’s going to be affecting your life in maaaaaany different ways, regardless od what else you’re working on, struggling with, or ahieving)…and it’s going to be challenging. Aha! I am officially merging problem/challenge together. 😁 Voila.

PS…
In the vein of deciding who you want to be, and how to get there? PLEASE feel more than free to kick my prioritizing system fo the curb. Annoyances and big problems are the things that have the highest priority in handling in MY life, but people are different, and have different priorities, and different ways to organize.
 
Last edited:

PunkLadyBug

New Here
Irrelevant to the question of : Why do you want to be with him?

Completely relevant to the question of : What kind of person do you want to be?

But they’re two very very different questions.

You can be 100% the asshole, completely in the wrong; meanwhile he’s a perfect person who treats you like you hung the moon… and? Still not want to be with him. The 2 things aren’t linked the way they so often feel linked.

You don’t have to figure out how much of an asshole you are -or were, or may continue to be- to figure out what you want from him specifically, and from relationships in general.

If it helps? Try writing 2 lists:

1. Why you want to be with HIM
2. Why you want to be with someone

Expect to have to move some items on the “him” list, to “someone” as you make them. Because they’re things about you, and what you want from any relationship yojre in, not things about him as an individual you’ve chosen to have in your life.

(Wanting to be held is an example I often use, from the first year after my divorce. Because my standards had dropped so low, all I required of a man -with my WHOLE heart, I’m not being glib, my greatest desire for almost a solid year down to my bones, or maybe even my soul- was a pair of arms. Most men? Have arms. Or with even one arm they can stil pull me tight to their chest, as I listen to their heartbeat, and feel -even for a moment- that everything will be alright. Great. I require arms AND not being dead. FFS, Friday, up your game! Arms and a pulse? Aren’t something that you should be basing -or starting, or staying- in a relationship. Don’t be with a man because you like being held by him. Being held is something you want in ANY relationship. <<< See how that’s about me, and not about who I’m with?)


Yep. Neither of those lists address whether or not you’re an asshole.
1. Who you want to be
2. Your goal list (IE Where you’re starting off from / can’t get to somewhere if you don’t know where you are, ya know?)
3. What are the most annoying things & things that cause the most problems/challenges in your life, now?

For example?
Let’s say one of the items on the person you’re striving to be / want to be is someone who is highly respected by others. But? That requires having people in your life who value the same things as you do. Which requires knowing what YOU value, accurately assessing what other people value so you can connect with them, actually connecting with them AND disconnecting from people who don’t share your values… which requires? Self confidence, discretion, etc., etc., etc. See what I mean? For any single aspect of who you want to be, where you ARE determines the goals to set for yourself. Like a branching tree. Which can be overwhelming… or? You can think of each branch as a success that builds reeeeally strong roots.

Because it’s not just “be respected”. Respected by whom? For what? And all the rest of it.

The person any of us WANT to be? Is a symphony. Not a single instrument, or single note. Creating that symphony? Sure, you can think of it as work… or you can think of it as art. Whilst life is perfecting an artform.

I know I’m mixing my metaphors a bit… the roots of a tree creating it’s strength… the sound & silence of a thousand things (instruments, notes, measures, movements) all working and changing over time, to create a finished piece. I’m doing that (mostly, kinda, sorta on purpose) because when I’m symptomatic I’m very black&white / all-or-nothing / if it’s not true now it will never be true. Trees and symphonies? ARE complex systems, that still work in my trauma-brain. Because they’re not shades of grey, but true/not true. The complexity isn’t “it will never work”, but actually HOW it works. Lots of things to work on? Is a good thing. It creates the thing I want.

- Annoyances are not only “easy” solves (or they wouldn’t be annoying; they’d be infuriating, or soul crushing, despairing, etc.) BUT the inverse of annoying? Is a thing very close to excitement (excitement & fear are the inverse of each other)… bordering on happy/ satisfied/ proud/ etc. Remove the annoyance and what do you have? Will change depending on what’s annoying the f*ck out of you.
- The things causing the most problems in your life? Are going to be problematic, by nature, far more often than not. Or they wouldn’t be big problems. Which means you’ll be chipping away at them in a lot of different ways for a long time.

^^^ By annoyances and big problems… you’re creating a prioritizing system. PTSD? Suicidal Depression? Those are big problems that you’re gonna be working on, and that are going to be affecting your life, regardless of what else you’re working on, struggling with, or achieving with (style, grace, panache, verve, ease, whatever color you want your achievements radiating).

I picked 2 not-so-cheerful examples of what’s causing the most problems, but they can also be GOOD things, with monumental problems attached, that you’re not handling in a way you’re proud of, or that suits you right down to the ground, or are erratic, or whatever. Like being a parent, or pursuing a university degree. Just because a good/great/amazing thing can be eyeballs deep in problems? Doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, or bad student, and should give away your kids and drop out of school. (I should mention, I have no idea if you’re a parent or in school. I’m picking things I have experience with, is all.) It simply means it’s a BIG thing, that’s going to be affecting your life in maaaaaany different ways, regardless od what else you’re working on, struggling with, or ahieving)…and it’s going to be challenging. Aha! I am officially merging problem/challenge together. 😁 Voila.

PS…
In the vein of deciding who you want to be, and how to get there? PLEASE feel more than free to kick my prioritizing system fo the curb. Annoyances and big problems are the things that have the highest priority in handling in MY life, but people are different, and have different priorities, and different ways to organize.
Thank you for this, I have a lot of thinking to do now💡(and writing 🙂 )
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
No, I never did. I didn't even flirt with anyone else. I even asked around to make sure I'm not exhibiting h** behaviour, and I don't.
I do suspect he has, even though he claims he doesn't have any, because he simply made the choice to trust me in the beginning and that I've ruined it along the way.
This is (another) red flag.

And now I'm sad because I have to cut ties with him because I'm now more convinced that he doesn't understand what I'm going through, he doesn't want to make efforts to do some research (the crisis team even invited him over for a chat to explain to him how and what type of support I need now, and he turned it down because he thinks he's already doing it). He's so angry, and when he's angry, I can't cope with it. Every fight makes me regress on my progress of taking care of myself. And today he told me 'I actually wish now that you would've killed yourself so I would've been spared of all this crap'. I can't be with someone who says to me this, not even in anger.
I'm so sorry he said that to you today. That is appalling thing to say (emotionally abusive and cruel). That isn't something someone kind and funny says. Not only did he think it (appalling). But he chose to say it to you too. When someone is angry, they still have control. Unless they are in such a rage that they lost all sense of their behaviour. So being angry is not am excuse for bad behaviour. He is responsible for what he says at all times. Like we all are. like he points out to you that you are.

Whatever you decide to do: please know you are worthy of love, respect, care and consideration.
 

grief

Sponsor
He's a kind man at heart
the things you have written here lead me to believe this is not true. yelling at you, accusing you of cheating (outright delusional at this point), "character assassination", refusing to gain more education, telling you you should've killed yourself-? none of that is kind. this guy is a f*cking asshole. i'm sorry you encountered such a person, but it is very good that you can see what you need to do. i hope that you follow through with that.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah all you're describing is in fact pretty wild and textbook psychological abuse.

I am particularly disquieted by the delusional nature of his jealousy, this is a gate for (eventually physical) escalation. He thinking you're looking shady. Not good. At all. It's not a red flag, it's the entire USSR.

He telling you you should have killed yourself? Even my violent ex didn't tell me that!!

Frankly, just run.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very difficult. And of course people aren't all black all white but if he cannot gather his shit and at least have minimal normal decent behaviour, then to the pit that man goes. He'll learn better alone.
 
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