Feeling unmoored.
For a while I was feeling what I described as ennui - bored, tired of everything, dull.
Well, had a super stressor at the end of June that carried on through July and that was that.
cPTSD from childhood
PTSD from being a provider during the pandemic.
I'm no longer working on critical care/resuscitation medicine service. I do house calls, palliative medicine, lots of work with the most vulnerable people in our city. We do laugh, ok?
ADA letter coming from provider for work - they have been very supportive. With the ADA accommodation I'll have more legit flexibility when it comes to work load. Bad days, are bad.
First available appt with Psych Resident (only residents are taking the PTSD cases): December
First available appointment with social worker for intake: January
Meds: wellbutrin, clonidine for sleep, inderal three times a day, prn xanax (took 1 then lost the bottle, super stressor was an unexpected move), medical marijuana
I've started listening to the PTSD, surviving to thriving and it has helped - like many I really battle with the idea that i'm being overly dramatic, i just need to get my shit together, put on my big girl boots, shake it off -
the thing is, what has worked in the past isn't working now.
And that is really terrifying.
Like will I ever not feel like this?
It feels so all encompassing, inescapable, to big for me to hold.
I don't have to describe or explain what happens - I've read through some posts here and know that you know
I am so tired and sad and angry.
I started to write about all the great things in my life and erased it. This is also something I do - Tell the truth, worry it's too much, and add something nice to 'balance' it out.
While I am waiting to be seen by the specialist I am reading and listening. Talking about it right now doesn't help - i just start to spin out and once it starts well, here I am on this forum after sobbing intermittently on the floor of my home office, in the dark, with my limbs tucked in as tight as possible.
(because the dishwasher was loaded crappy and I decided that I had to rearrange it before placing the rest of dishes in (how hard is it to do it right?) then reached into the cabinet for a glass - one was stacked on top of the other - and a glass fell over on the shelf and broke)
I know I need to re-establish routine of non-negotiables. Another consequence of the move was loss of routine
For a while (I took better care of myself during the pandemic than after it, it seems), I had 3 non-negotiables:, movement, connection
For the last 5 days or so I've started meditating again when I first wake up. I'd like to keep it going for a couple weeks and then add movement. I am here now and actively seeking connection.
I could go on, there is a river in me.
And, I think this is enough for now.
Cate
For a while I was feeling what I described as ennui - bored, tired of everything, dull.
Well, had a super stressor at the end of June that carried on through July and that was that.
cPTSD from childhood
PTSD from being a provider during the pandemic.
I'm no longer working on critical care/resuscitation medicine service. I do house calls, palliative medicine, lots of work with the most vulnerable people in our city. We do laugh, ok?
ADA letter coming from provider for work - they have been very supportive. With the ADA accommodation I'll have more legit flexibility when it comes to work load. Bad days, are bad.
First available appt with Psych Resident (only residents are taking the PTSD cases): December
First available appointment with social worker for intake: January
Meds: wellbutrin, clonidine for sleep, inderal three times a day, prn xanax (took 1 then lost the bottle, super stressor was an unexpected move), medical marijuana
I've started listening to the PTSD, surviving to thriving and it has helped - like many I really battle with the idea that i'm being overly dramatic, i just need to get my shit together, put on my big girl boots, shake it off -
the thing is, what has worked in the past isn't working now.
And that is really terrifying.
Like will I ever not feel like this?
It feels so all encompassing, inescapable, to big for me to hold.
I don't have to describe or explain what happens - I've read through some posts here and know that you know
I am so tired and sad and angry.
I started to write about all the great things in my life and erased it. This is also something I do - Tell the truth, worry it's too much, and add something nice to 'balance' it out.
While I am waiting to be seen by the specialist I am reading and listening. Talking about it right now doesn't help - i just start to spin out and once it starts well, here I am on this forum after sobbing intermittently on the floor of my home office, in the dark, with my limbs tucked in as tight as possible.
(because the dishwasher was loaded crappy and I decided that I had to rearrange it before placing the rest of dishes in (how hard is it to do it right?) then reached into the cabinet for a glass - one was stacked on top of the other - and a glass fell over on the shelf and broke)
I know I need to re-establish routine of non-negotiables. Another consequence of the move was loss of routine
For a while (I took better care of myself during the pandemic than after it, it seems), I had 3 non-negotiables:, movement, connection
For the last 5 days or so I've started meditating again when I first wake up. I'd like to keep it going for a couple weeks and then add movement. I am here now and actively seeking connection.
I could go on, there is a river in me.
And, I think this is enough for now.
Cate