Should I put in more efforts?

[maybeiamabear]

Do you all believe in "the one" - the gut feeling of knowing that this person is the right partner for you?

The person I have been romantically involved with since September 2023 feels just right, they tick all the checkboxes and it was so emotionally healthy. And a part of me continues to feel that I f*cked it up - because I rushed in too quickly. My therapist keeps saying that I should go slowly. And open myself slowly and continue to check if the person is right for me or not?

How do I do that? Every person I get involved with seems a thousand times better than the last one.

It has been two weeks almost that we paused talking because I was "feeling a lot" - overwhelmed, she mentioned after we met IRL that she is confused and not sure about our future together because a) i let go better work opportunities as a trade off to health improvements b) my family background (broken family - mum has schizo, father has endless financial failures) - i live with my brother c) the physical distance d) will her family accept me

I explained my side of the story to her - patiently that all of this can be solved for (just for a moment) i dint explain multiple times because her fears were so overwhelming for me and I reacted, it opened up my abandonment wound and I just told her how scared I feel being in a relationship where the other person is not sure about me.

And we decided to take a pause after that. During the pause it was very difficult for me. Because I think the abandonment wound ripped open and when we talked again after twelve days, I was still very emotional - it was difficult to acknowledge that she was all okay without my presence and she even said it felt good.

I tried understanding her perspective - she said she is looking for something fun, something less emotionally heavy. And I took that as a cue to exit.

I feel a bit relieved too making that decision because now I don't have to live in fear. For my own peace and self-improvement, I would still like to know - how do I know if I should continuing putting in efforts in a relationship or not.

Because I just read this post on reddit where the girl was so happy that her husband had put in so much efforts for their anniversary. In my case, while on her end - the confusion was always a strong point and it was present, she was trying to evaluate if her confusion is fueled by fear or it's just genuine.

Should I have created more space for her emotions? Instead of getting overwhelmed by mine?

I tried really for almost four-five months and she continued to feel similarly ofcourse she moved a little towards offering love and her actions reflected only love. But it was so difficult for her to offer it and I could see that.
It only felt that my intensity will create more hurt for both of us. So exited.
Now ofcourse while I grieve - I keep thinking about different aspects and trying to learn from it. While parts of me also fantasize ways to fix this - find a way to just feel okay together. I don't know why I keep getting pulled in different directions within - always.

I suppose it is similar for her and she feels a lot too, may be she just don't want to share and express - most people don't. Because vulnerability is difficult. For me I don't know how to exist without vulnerability without this strong sense of fear which I continuously feel, it makes me human and it is also my dysfunction.

How do I go slow in a relationship when I start feeling so much? I will learn I guess.

 

[Friday]

Do you all believe in "the one" - the gut feeling of knowing that this person is the right partner for you?

she said she is looking for something fun, something less emotionally heavy.

These are diametrically opposed.

 

[arfie]

And a part of me continues to feel that I f*cked it up - because I rushed in too quickly. My therapist keeps saying that I should go slowly. And open myself slowly and continue to check if the person is right for me or not?

i've been married for 43 years and still struggle with this premise on a routine basis. whatever conflict we dealt with yesterday needs an instant fix. my world is going to crumble if we don't get on the same page, right this minute. developments?!?!? not on my watch! ! ! the end of this chick flick is already written! ! ! happily ever after has no room for deviation! ! ! stay happy, my prince, all day, every day or off with your head and you clean up that mess yourself! ! !

the good news is that i'm getting quicker to recognize this as hypervigilance and to remember to ply psychotherapy tools -- after a quick consultation with my fairy godmother, that is. i am growing ever more convinced that i have been plying variations of this drama in quite a few aspects of my life. oftentimes channeling my therapy tools toward the deeper problems saves unnecessary wear and tear on the love of my life.

 

[Dynamic]

Why do you think it was difficult for her to show love to you? Does it matter?

I think you’re doing the right thing to explore if this is right or not, or in other words I agree it’s not clear at this time.

I wouldn’t go by others stories online, although I get the pull to wanna learn more.

It’s always best to learn directly from the person involved in these scenarios.

Following along/ here for support even if I don’t have the answer

 

[maybeiamabear]

These are diametrically opposed.

I understand...

i've been married for 43 years and still struggle with this premise on a routine basis. whatever conflict we dealt with yesterday needs an instant fix. my world is going to crumble if we don't get on the same page, right this minute. developments?!?!? not on my watch! ! ! the end of this chick flick is already written! ! ! happily ever after has no room for deviation! ! ! stay happy, my prince, all day, every day or off with your head and you clean up that mess yourself! ! !

the good news is that i'm getting quicker to recognize this as hypervigilance and to remember to ply psychotherapy tools -- after a quick consultation with my fairy godmother, that is. i am growing ever more convinced that i have been plying variations of this drama in quite a few aspects of my life. oftentimes channeling my therapy tools toward the deeper problems saves unnecessary wear and tear on the love of my life.

Thank you for sharing I doubt if she will talk to me again - I have decided to pause for now because I continue to feel overwhelmed and that is a lot for her so...

Why do you think it was difficult for her to show love to you? Does it matter?

I think you’re doing the right thing to explore if this is right or not, or in other words I agree it’s not clear at this time.

I wouldn’t go by others stories online, although I get the pull to wanna learn more.

It’s always best to learn directly from the person involved in these scenarios.

Following along/ here for support even if I don’t have the answer

I don't know why she could not. It should be my homework to do.

You are right. My brain just keep trying to intellectually find ways to solve for the problem of the intensity mismatch - where I want more and she wants to go slow. If I keep talking to her, I will get only more attached and I don't feel ready for that.

 

[Dynamic]

intensity mismatch

this seems intersting..could you elaborate this if you think it would help?

If I keep talking to her, I will get only more attached and I don't feel ready for that.

awe...I can relate to this. I am the same when I love someone. It's not easy. but worth it to keep boundaries not to lose self.

sometimes I think my brain gets too tired to think about important relationships. so I take a break sometimes until I feel better.

also I try not to think about it so much when I am feeling sad. in case I just wander around in gloomy.

 

[maybeiamabear]

this seems intersting..could you elaborate this if you think it would help?

awe...I can relate to this. I am the same when I love someone. It's not easy. but worth it to keep boundaries not to lose self.

sometimes I think my brain gets too tired to think about important relationships. so I take a break sometimes until I feel better.

also I try not to think about it so much when I am feeling sad. in case I just wander around in gloomy.

Inensity mismatch - umm she struggled to talk about emotions I was feeling when we decided to part ways, about how I wanted to be with her so much (I guess she did too and she tried to hide it) and then she got scared because I got so upset. I get upset when someone I start falling in love (never used the word with her) goes away. But it's also because of the abandonment wound and for her, she just wanted to be friends and not be in a committed relationship - as of yet.

I think boundaries really help but sometimes it's only me who ends up feeling more and more alone so I get confused - if I am creating my boundaries the right way or not.

 

[Dynamic]

I f*cked it up - because I rushed in too quickly.

curious what happened but please only share what you think is helpful for you in this thread

How do I do that? Every person I get involved with seems a thousand times better than the last one.

this is peculiar to me...is it the excitement and rush of getting to know someone? the possibility of things working out? I ask bc I know who I want to be with, but were not together so I try to move on, and when I meet people I genuinely get excited! until they dont check all the boxes lol

During the pause it was very difficult for me. Because I think the abandonment wound ripped open

this seems really important. Im currently exploring abandonment, attachment & living life after loved ones crushed my heart like they needed blood wine or something

it was difficult to acknowledge that she was all okay without my presence and she even said it felt good.

there is someone I would marry...but its not right. so we are not together. and I make it a point to be okay without them. I think it shows her strength and less about you. if it does speak to her not feeling the same - its okay. Its better to know, and let go, then to be drug thru a fake relationship.

Should I have created more space for her emotions? Instead of getting overwhelmed by mine?

maybe but in any relationship people are constantly taking turns sharing whats important and the focus changes. it's okay you held space with whats true to you.

I don't know why I keep getting pulled in different directions within - always.

this seems really important

How do I go slow in a relationship when I start feeling so much? I will learn I guess.

it helps me to remember my feelings are messed up sometimes and to take my time processing them. Its difficult (for fear of losing out) but if I lose the opportunity with someone based on what I need, it starts to become easier to let go once you realize you were loving yourself and doing what was best for the relationship. even if they don't see it that way.

idk if I am helping but I hope it gets easier for you cause I know the feels

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

If I keep talking to her, I will get only more attached and I don't feel ready for that.

Sounds like both are scared of love(?)
Was she sacred to show love to you or are you scared of falling deeply in love ?

 

[Ecdysis]

@maybeiamabear have you looked into attachment disorders/ attachment trauma/ attachment styles? This can be very helpful when trying to work out what's going on in relationships dynamics like this.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

think boundaries really help but sometimes it's only me who ends up feeling more and more alone so I get confused - if I am creating my boundaries the right way or no

This one is important - you've hit gold.
See @maybeiamabear, sometimes we build boundaries with the wrong materials - whats appropriate for the time? Stone(walling)? Barbed wire? Picket Fencing?Iron cladding?Titanium reinforcements? Electric fence ? I think you get the picture:-)
See , thing is ,each of these boundaries are great , however ,impacts the person on the other side - and sometimes ,(sometimes)the boundaries you might place ,for the other person -it becomes too much -Awww, oh, ouch, yikes , hurts !
Best talk to a professional or the Pros on this forum.