Cant think of reason to stay?

[smead]

I recently ended my friendship with my best friend of years!! For about a year now she's let me know her older sister doesn't like me so when she's with her I can't be in same breathing room. She had NO reason to dislike me other than the fact she was jealous of our relationship & how much fun we had. She would call her and give her hard time like "Oh Sandy's there, never mind you rather be with her blah blah blsh". This went on for year and I just ignored ut....till last week. My bff invited me to witness her baptisim. I was so excited and honored...till morning I get text reminding invitation stating her sister didn't want me there. I blew up and said WHY are you not sticking up for me telling your sister YOU want me there, all I got back was sorry. I asked if her daughter got to go....all I got was sorry which lead me to believe it was yes and I put was only I that was not invited. I'm crushed...but pissed, I saw red....I told her she's letting her sister control her which she replied no one controls her. So now I see...SHE doesn't want me there and doesn't have nerve to tell me.

I have suffered severe trauma most my life so I trust NO one except her, she knew this and she does thus to me?? What kind of bff is THAT?? I would gave died for her but I get thrown out with garbage.She was my ONLY friend, I have no one now, I'm prisoner in my home cause stalker neighbor......I have ZERO reason to keep breathing, the writing is on the wall. I have no quality of life. Why go to doctors..take meds..to get better??? For what????? Nothing...zero...nada!! I believe its time.

 

[mamachick]

Im glad that you shared here and I can see what your friend did is very hurtful. Her sister sounds controlling. Its horrible to feel so bad about a situation with a person that you have trusted and shared with.
Because you have had trauma all of your life, its understandable that you do not have other friends who you can count on. Thats a crappy situation to be in. That is not a reason to stop breathing, stop going to doctors, taking meds and getting better. These things are for yourself, not for your friend or anyone else. Getting better is what will provide you with a better quality of life....not your friend.

Harming yourself, or not caring for yourself is like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Its not really rational and that is not a judgement about you. Most of us need reminded of this from time to time.

I would encourage you to do as much as you can to get better. If there are some hobbies or activities that you have wanted to try, do them now. You may meet people with similar interests. I hope some part of this helps, because I know you are worth saving yourself and it is possible to be happy.

 

[anthony]

So now I see...SHE doesn't want me there and doesn't have nerve to tell me.

Negative thinking style. You don't know what she is thinking, nor do you know her exact intent, unless she says it.

I have suffered severe trauma most my life so I trust NO one except her, she knew this and she does thus to me??

Put aside the trauma, are you dependent upon her? Why do you think her sister is saying such things to her about you?

Its easy to blame someone else, but it is you who is here saying its time to end your life all because of your friend breaking away from you. Honestly, if you were sucking the life from her, knowingly or not, due to your own depression and trust issues, then that would be why her sister is telling her to stay away from you, because you are not in a healthy place.

If you surround yourself with healthy people, good people, often your life is good. If you surround yourself with people who such everything good about you, from you, then your life turns to shit.

This is not a blame game, its an honesty game because it is you who is ill from trauma. We have to look inwards at ourselves, heal ourselves, before we can often have any other relationships. Its not uncommon that two people with traumatic lives can be friends. Where those relationships often break, is when one heals faster than the other, and that person realises how much the other is sucking from them, when trying themselves to keep their head above water and continue to get better mentally. Before they know it, they end that friendship, or they push the other person away at arms length, changing the friendship dynamic.

It's like this - if you're a drug addict, then chances are you're hanging around other drug addicts. Quickly enough, non-addicts will push you out of their lives because you want to be destructive and your behaviour is being destructive in their lives, so they make a choice at some point. Suddenly your in a relationship with someone, a drug addict, but you want to get clean, yet your partner doesn't. One of two things happen, you break apart or you turn back to drugs, contrary to wanting to get clean.

Life is about choices, and we often have to look at ourselves before we just blame others, especially when we are the ones with mental health issues. When we become healthy, you can look back and see how destructive your life has been, but until in that space, that view isn't an option.

 

[smead]

Negative thinking style. You don't know what she is thinking, nor do you know her exact intent, unless she says it.

Put aside the trauma, are you dependent upon her? Why do you think her sister is saying such things to her about you?

Its easy to blame someone else, but it is you who is here saying its time to end your life all because of your friend breaking away from you. Honestly, if you were sucking the life from her, knowingly or not, due to your own depression and trust issues, then that would be why her sister is telling her to stay away from you, because you are not in a healthy place.

If you surround yourself with healthy people, good people, often your life is good. If you surround yourself with people who such everything good about you, from you, then your life turns to shit.

This is not a blame game, its an honesty game because it is you who is ill from trauma. We have to look inwards at ourselves, heal ourselves, before we can often have any other relationships. Its not uncommon that two people with traumatic lives can be friends. Where those relationships often break, is when one heals faster than the other, and that person realises how much the other is sucking from them, when trying themselves to keep their head above water and continue to get better mentally. Before they know it, they end that friendship, or they push the other person away at arms length, changing the friendship dynamic.

It's like this - if you're a drug addict, then chances are you're hanging around other drug addicts. Quickly enough, non-addicts will push you out of their lives because you want to be destructive and your behaviour is being destructive in their lives, so they make a choice at some point. Suddenly your in a relationship with someone, a drug addict, but you want to get clean, yet your partner doesn't. One of two things happen, you break apart or you turn back to drugs, contrary to wanting to get clean.

Life is about choices, and we often have to look at ourselves before we just blame others, especially when we are the ones with mental health issues. When we become healthy, you can look back and see how destructive your life has been, but until in that space, that view isn't an option.

Wow

 

[No More]

I have suffered severe trauma most my life so I trust NO one except her, she knew this and she does thus to me?? What kind of bff is THAT?? I would gave died for her but I get thrown out with garbage.She was my ONLY friend, I have no one now, I'm prisoner in my home cause stalker neighbor......I have ZERO reason to keep breathing, the writing is on the wall. I have no quality of life. Why go to doctors..take meds..to get better??? For what????? Nothing...zero...nada!! I believe its time.

This is a lot for one person to carry, for you to be entirely dependant upon the one friend. Anthony has some really amazing words - I can’t write nearly as well as him but it’s a very good post.

I’m sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Perhaps if the only way is up, you could try a few small steps & see if they increase your quality of life? Maybe if you have any hobbies you could try joining a group or a club & increase your social circle a little bit so you aren’t completely reliant upon just one friend? Could you maybe find even some very small things like a sunrise, or crisp morning, or fresh sheets that bring you joy and focus on increasing them in your day?

 

[smead]

Wow

@anthony I hear what your saying but.... I was not with her 24/7 7 days a week...I would see het Tuesday & wednesday...that's it...I gave plenty space and did not call her when I was away, I let het call me if she wanted to so sucking the life out of her is wrong in my opinion.
I'm just feeling down, its like a roller coaster...ill be fine...I'm excellent at hiding my pain, had to for years and looks like I can't let my hair down on here either.

This is a lot for one person to carry, for you to be entirely dependant upon the one friend. Anthony has some really amazing words - I can’t write nearly as well as him but it’s a very good post.

I’m sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Perhaps if the only way is up, you could try a few small steps & see if they increase your quality of life? Maybe if you have any hobbies you could try joining a group or a club & increase your social circle a little bit so you aren’t completely reliant upon just one friend? Could you maybe find even some very small things like a sunrise, or crisp morning, or fresh sheets that bring you joy and focus on increasing them in your day?

I will try to do as you suggest but since I'm prisoner in my home because of the stalker situation, ill figure out someway to occupy my time and mind. Thx

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

looks like I can't let my hair down on here either.

We have a huge diversity in our membership from across the world. You’ll get all sorts of advice on the forum - not all of it will resonate. Take what helps, leave the rest.

 

[Friday]

When I can’t see the point? That doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

I have no one now, I'm prisoner in my home cause stalker neighbor......I have ZERO reason to keep breathing, the writing is on the wall. I have no quality of life. Why go to doctors..take meds..to get better??? For what????? Nothing...zero...nada!! I believe its time.

If you flip that list around, you’ve actually given yourself a highly personalized & achievable & high value list of reasons TO STAY, rather than not. A goals list of things you want, and can start working on building into your life.

It may seem like a short list, but friendship & quality of life are 2 HUGE umbrellas… with dozens of moving parts/ skills to learn/ pieces to identify and Tetris… any of which you can start working towards.

If having friends is so important to you that you don’t see a reason to be alive, without friends… might be worth investing some energy into making friends…. Yes?

 

[Shaylee]

I preface this by saying I am not judging you. I don’t know what your life is like.

My observations of all your posts are I am not seeing any communication with your friend Or her sister. I do see much about you and your feelings and when it comes to hers I don’t see anything other than her apologies and then assumptions of what she is feeling or thinking. I have been down that road more times than I want to admit to. The amount of times I could have saved myself so much insanity of my own thoughts if I had just gotten outside of my head and communicated… and it embarrasses me to even admit to.

I hear what you’re saying but.... I was not with her 24/7 7 days a week...I would see het Tuesday & wednesday...that's it...I gave plenty space and did not call her when I was away, I let het call me if she wanted to so sucking the life out of her is wrong in my opinion.

My first question is how do you know *she* has plenty of space or is that your opinion? Did she set up these boundaries for herself or did you set them thinking that’s what she needed? I have done this without thinking about it. “This will be ok with them.”, without actually consulting them about it or making a plan on how to communicate when those boundaries are no longer working for either of us. Then I get offended if they change the boundaries *I* set for them. Another highly humiliating confession for me…. I assumed what was best for them and me without actually including them in that decision or, what is worse, I don’t even tell them! Why? I don’t know but I am most definitely guilty of it.

I'm just feeling down, its like a roller coaster...ill be fine...I'm excellent at hiding my pain, had to for years

Maybe she needs more space or is having issues of her own she is hiding from you. Most people with trauma are exceptionally good at hiding their pain, insecurities , or even their identity. However, in turn trauma survivors are exceptionally blind to people who are close to them and their cues when they might need help, more so if those individuals are hiding it from you for fear of your reaction. At least that has been my personal experience In my own relationships. I am too busy hiding to notice they are too.

and looks like I can't let my hair down on here either.

I know what it is to feel like/be a prisoner in your home. Not for the same reasons. Almost 7 years ago my health spiraled downward very rapidly. I went from going to the gym twice a day (on the average), working, driving, cooking and baking with abandon, being able to go to the movies, out to dinner, doing my gardening, my woodworking, playing the piano… To basically being bedridden… In the course of a little over a week I lost most all of my independence. Going to my eye doctor here recently was the first time I had been anywhere but my next door neighbor’s house since my last doctor’s appointment in October. I rarely go to my neighbor‘s house - she has her own life and when I do go over there it takes me a couple of days to recover because I overdo it from a health perspective.

I now fight to maintain independence within my home. Example: I can’t do my laundry anymore as the washer and dryer are in the basement. I am only allowed by my doctor to take 2 showers a week. It takes an hour (sometimes longer) for me to brush my hair, teeth and get dressed.

And while, yes, I have a legal husband, we weren’t in the best place before this, we are less than roommates now. There are no arguments as long as I keep my mouth shut and never argue and am always smiling and laughing and happy outwardly. My youngest is 18 so while she lives here, I can’t use her as a support system as being 18 is when she should be spreading her wings and living her own life without having obligations to her mother. Even when they are home (which is not altogether often) they go to their happy places. my daughter to her room (usually for sleeping), my husband to the basement for his gaming and other activities. All my other children live in other states. Depending on their lives I may hear from them about once a month occasionally more. My only other friend, besides my neighbor, of 35 years also lives in another state. Again, has her own life.

Outside of doctor’s appointments? I am home 24/7/365 with a dog I don’t like. I hate my life passionately. When COVID hit I was like and? And rather excited because nobody else could leave either! (Yes, I am evil). I wish things were different more than I admit to people. I have had to find hobbies I can sit or even lay down to do because that is all I am good for, for the time being. All of them take me forever compared to a healthy human. This frustrates me to no end, yet, at the same time… What else have I got to do. I feel my loneliness is palpable to everyone and they just don’t care to acknowledge it. When I asked my husband to at least share his day with me I was told, “I don’t talk about work and you know that. Go find some friends.”. I haven’t asked since and that was more than 5 years ago.

I have tried different sites, reddits, discords to try to stay connected to other humans. I never feel like I belong anywhere, but I never have, healthy or not. I keep trying and often felt like I must be a masochist to do so.

I was diagnosed about a month ago with C-PTSD in my first ever therapy session via my iPad. Was told to read a book that freaked me out, still does. In his book there were several sites recommended for online support groups. I chose this one because I was in a rather frenzied state where I was having trouble focusing and it had the simplest website address to type! (I barely recall typing my introduction.) I truly believed it probably would be a waste of my time. I figured everyone would tell me to snap out of it and get over myself.

*jaw-drop* They didn’t. Well holy shit… Ok then…

I have read so many diaries. I have seen my own thoughts (no matter how dark) reflected by SO MANY (not gonna lie, still creeps me out). I have learned I am really good at crying for other people. But there is always honesty. Honesty we may or may not want to hear at that moment but it is honest.

You can let your hair down or not. You can let it all down at once or strand by strand. That is all up to you. Your choice. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. There are most definitely people on here who will ‘get it’.

But….There will though be a variety of honest suggestions and observations and perspectives. Some will mesh and resonate with you, some won’t, that’s the great thing about variety. Can you imagine if all they offered was sushi and you really wanted a burger? And, IMO, being honest and forthright is the only way to truly feeling supported and the only path to healing, because those are the ones caring enough to help pull you out of yourself. (Even if I find myself fighting it on a very regular basis ).

I don’t know if any of that is helpful to you. Just my observations and experience so far at the beginning of my own journey. Take it or leave it. It won’t offend me either way. The choice is yours and I trust you will do what is best for you.

 

[anthony]

I let het call me if she wanted to so sucking the life out of her is wrong in my opinion.

Then its not that then. So why do you think her sister is pushing her away from you? Sisters tend to be protective, not jealous, of other females. Males, different story. Have you written her a short email asking why? I mean a short email... otherwise the question is often lost amongst anything else on the page.

Long story short, there are plenty of people in the world for you to be possible friends with. You just have to go meet people and see where things go from there.

 

[smead]

I'm better today, getting my mind right. trying not to feel worthless, thanks everyone for comments.

 

[anthony]

I'm better today, getting my mind right.

That's depression. You just have to acknowledge that there is more beyond what you feel when really down. Been there, done this, for a lot of years. Still have the occasional fight with it, just not to the same degree. My brain is wired nowadays to know it is just depression and it won't last, I can beat it. My first action is usually headphones and a long walk. Its never lasted after that.