I think I’m ready to see what’s next.

[stu_the_blue]

And I think I’m ready to see what’s next ! This is not a cry for help. This is me coming to terms with the fact that everything you once had has slowly slipped away. I have always believed that my wife would eventually break and realise she’s done. She started treatment for early menopause a couple of years ago when I was at my worst
So we probably haven’t been the same since .
I suffer with a lot of other illnesses and I’ve been prescribed a lot of meds , some very strong , I’m also T1 diabetic. So… here I am just putting some words down so the people that I care about may understand that I can’t keep doing this ..
I don’t like the world anymore 20 years chasing bad guys around gives you a pretty negative outlook on society. Add all the other shite that I’ve got going on I know the next episode of depression will be my last!
I had an idea I was losing my wife for a while and I’ve really tried to get closer to her but she’s always tired due to working full time and keeping the family running along whilst I’m sleeping off the feeling of impending doom.
And I know she’s getting attention at work. Why wouldn’t she !
So that’s it. I’ve handed over all my debt back to the companies that stiffed me with them to begin with. No comeback on my wife . They will have a great life together just got to deal with a bit of pain. I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else and the risk is currently low but I can see it coming soon ! Sorry for the long rant and keep up the fight x

 

[anthony]

Most of this sounds like depression talking... but each to their own. You are here writing, which says to me that you maybe do want to live and beat depression.

 

[Calmdown]

In a suicidal state your thoughts are constricted. There are fantasies of not being there anymore. Also inhibited aggression turned toward the self. What helped me was to focus on every aspect separately. It already helped to recognize the symptoms. It is important to take it very serious, but keep in mind that it is an illness and after this state is gone most people are relieved that they didn't act on it.

 

[arfie]

welcome back, stu. hope you stay a bit longer this time. just hoping.

long rant? ? ? my long rants go on for pages and pages. i have approximately 150,000 pages of handwritten notebooks full of rants. rant freely. rant often. it helps with the sorting.

i count it as a good day when i'm ready to see what's next. typically, i sneak a peek and bury my head under the pillow again, but i still count it as progress that i found the courage to sneak a peek. alas, all the negative outlooks that disabled me in the first place haven't gone away just 'cause i've been wishing harder. them bad guys and gals are still **out there**.

steadying support while you see what's next. may whatever's next include some balance for that 20 years of chasing bad guys.