ellzeena
Policy Enforcement
I lost my 23 year old daughter to suicide in 2011. She was diagnosed schizoaffective/bipolar 1. Her hallucinations were punishing, and terrifying, and she never admitted them to anyone, not to me and not to therapists or psychiatrists. She was hospitalized four times, first time serotonin overdose because a STUPID PCP was givng her EIGHTY miligrams of Paxil. (I was going to sue her and get her license but the lawyer told me my daughter wouldn't be able to withstand the deposition). That time, we thought her illness was related to the serotonin but she never got better, I just did't know it. She always had a therapist thereafter, no one caught what was going on, not even me. Since then, I've had the hard drives on her computers transferred to flash drives and I've seen the hallucinations she reports. Even when she was standing with me in the kitchen watching me carve the thanksgiving turkey, she was hallucinating. No one would ever have known. Of course, I saw the deterioration in her personality and intelligence, it was marked. She became a ten year old with disturbing moods, it was absolutely devastating. This entire battle I fought on her behalf took its toll and the day I lost her I put myself into the hospital. I was there for 72 hours. I had a controlled breakdown over the next year. I left the hospital with an assigned psychiatrist, a therapist, and three medications. Without them, I would be dead and I wish I was.
My life is destroyed. I spent years going to Europe and doing all sorts of things like learning to ride, working in the church, and other things. Therapy non stop to this day, trauma therapists. No more medications, none of them worked. I'm old, I had her when I was 40, she was the love of my life. I don't have any reason to be alive and I don't want to be alive, but I don't have the nerve to do what I need to do. I had a colonoscopy last week and I didn't want to wake up from the propofol, the doctor actually had to pat me vigorously on my leg over and over to wake me up. And it was dark, no dreams, nothing. My faith in god is totally gone and now I don't believe in the soul either. I actually did not want to wake up. My therapist is aware of this, I'm honest with her. There's nothing that can be done about this, drugs do bad things to me and make it worse, I've been places in the world few people get to see and done things and none of that worked, no fancy hospital in Sedona or whever is going to help me because they can't make that day in March, 2011, NOT HAVE HAPPENED. They can't bring her back. They can't restore who I was for her entire life, the strong devoted loving protective mother. If I had a mother like I am, I would have gone to Harvard Medical school and cured cancer. I can't get that woman back, she's dead, I am dead, my body is just still breathing. I jsut called the funeral home checking up to be sure everything was still as I paid for it to be and discovered that there are cemetery fees for things that need to be done because there is NO ONE IN MY LIFE, I am totally alone, so I have to be sure all the T's are crossed and the i's dotted since no one else is going to do it, EVER. Her "father" was emotionally abusive during my pregnancy (we never lived together) and is basically a despicable horrible person I had to protect her from, no custodial visitation, ever. If there was a god, he'd go straight to hell. I have no idea what to do. I have no one to talk to except for the 50 minutes a week with my therapist. The 988 number is a JOKE. Last time I called, I asked the woman how many people she'd killed because she was a nasty witch and should not be doing that sort of work. I dont even know why I'm typing this, no one can help me, no one cares if I'm alive or dead.
My life is destroyed. I spent years going to Europe and doing all sorts of things like learning to ride, working in the church, and other things. Therapy non stop to this day, trauma therapists. No more medications, none of them worked. I'm old, I had her when I was 40, she was the love of my life. I don't have any reason to be alive and I don't want to be alive, but I don't have the nerve to do what I need to do. I had a colonoscopy last week and I didn't want to wake up from the propofol, the doctor actually had to pat me vigorously on my leg over and over to wake me up. And it was dark, no dreams, nothing. My faith in god is totally gone and now I don't believe in the soul either. I actually did not want to wake up. My therapist is aware of this, I'm honest with her. There's nothing that can be done about this, drugs do bad things to me and make it worse, I've been places in the world few people get to see and done things and none of that worked, no fancy hospital in Sedona or whever is going to help me because they can't make that day in March, 2011, NOT HAVE HAPPENED. They can't bring her back. They can't restore who I was for her entire life, the strong devoted loving protective mother. If I had a mother like I am, I would have gone to Harvard Medical school and cured cancer. I can't get that woman back, she's dead, I am dead, my body is just still breathing. I jsut called the funeral home checking up to be sure everything was still as I paid for it to be and discovered that there are cemetery fees for things that need to be done because there is NO ONE IN MY LIFE, I am totally alone, so I have to be sure all the T's are crossed and the i's dotted since no one else is going to do it, EVER. Her "father" was emotionally abusive during my pregnancy (we never lived together) and is basically a despicable horrible person I had to protect her from, no custodial visitation, ever. If there was a god, he'd go straight to hell. I have no idea what to do. I have no one to talk to except for the 50 minutes a week with my therapist. The 988 number is a JOKE. Last time I called, I asked the woman how many people she'd killed because she was a nasty witch and should not be doing that sort of work. I dont even know why I'm typing this, no one can help me, no one cares if I'm alive or dead.
