I completely relate to this, mainly as it applies to my own CSA. I’m lucky in that my T will read my journal otherwise I’d have given up right after starting.I'm not allowed to use
I find it odd because if you ask anyone who thinks they know me they’d never say I’m at a loss for words but if I’m upset I have no words.
When I started this round of therapy I had it in my head that enough time passed it would be easy to just say what’s on my mind..couldn’t have been more wrong. Sometimes a therapy session seems like I’m on word ration and after 20 I’m out so one word answers or just silence rules the day. My T has even offered to let me text him while I’m sitting in front of him.
I find that my biggest problem is not usually the initial answer it’s the explaining that I struggle with most so I just don’t get started. Could be because I hate to be misunderstood or because I just don’t have the energy something requires.
I know some of this is a trauma response because I chose not to have a voice with my abusers but I also know some of it is a product of an upbringing where children were to be seen and not heard.
I can carry a conversation without any issue, can be quite funny, and professionally stand my ground, but it’s surface level stuff. No one truly knows me.