I don't have anyone to turn to, and I'm drowning in myself - Therapist’s response to physical insecurity is confusing

caroline_13

Confident
I just want to be clear: If you are not a compassionate person, capable of understanding the plight of other human beings and their stigmatized insecurities, and also the delicate and complex "human condition" (struggles and trials of being a person on this earth) please don't read any further.

I have a therapist who is my only source of emotional support and much of my happiness and obviously mental health revolves around her. Of course I know I should take action and also provide my own happiness and be self - sufficient but my parents are very strict, controlling and I have cognitive issues that arose from overworking myself in college. Of course the overworking is my fault, but my parents constant abuse stunted my recovery, and now I'm in an indefinite state of extremely poor health. Trying to exert myself like others at a normal pace causes me to spasm uncontrollably, have severe memory loss, vision problems, and severe slurred speech. This has made my life a living hell since as of right now I'm fine, but I can't do a lot of things I did in the past. Many things have been put on hold for me due to this and I have to ration the little bit of energy I do have to do one or two things I like during the week. To get to the point as efficiently as I can I have a genuine emotional connection with my therapist. There is significant evidence to show she cares about me and that I have importance to her. Shes helped me with serious issues and has been compassionate and understanding. My mom has meetings with her and in those meetings my therapist also shows care about me by giving helpful recommendations to my mom about getting me certain teas to help me sleep at night and fish oil for my brain because of my ongoing cognitive problems.

But there was a moment where I made a serious and intimate revelation to her (my therapist). I was having problems dealing with a serious insecurity of mine and I tried to overcome it but I need affirmation, since I couldn't really make myself sure. If your not compassionate, if you don't respect men, if you go with the flow of society and the anti-men propaganda that emasculates us and calls our masculine traits and demeanor as "toxic masculinity" just stop reading. If topics where there is a serious issue of Too much information bothers you, I apologize for wasting your time, and please its better you don't continue. I told my pyscologist I was insecure of the size of my member. If your laughing or giggling, don't bother responding, with all seriousness and respect, just go to another part of the forum and leave me alone. Moving foward, I told her, and her face lights up excessively and she has a strong grin on her face and shes not laughing but her facial expression STRONGLY indicated she found it hilarious. However she IMMEDIATELY hides her expression and tries to have a facial expression where shes serious.

Later I tell her my measurement because I just needed to let out my emotions and depression over this, however midway she interrupts to ask me something as i already say my measurements, and then i ask her " did you mean to ask how large my body part is?" and she says yes, that being said the measurements were already out of my mouth as she interrupted me. I tell her "im ____this big". And she turns her head to the side and looks at me sideways and she just looks so weird. It was creepy. She was smiling as she said to me " that is a very normal size", but once again I could tell she was trying hard not laugh. She just had that weird smiling expression in this moment where shes trying to smile out of compassion and reassurance but shes also trying not to laugh. Its very apparent. Later on I said was proud of admitting my insecurity because i thought i was brave. But then she speaks to me in a condescing tone and says " listen (insert random name here) your a boy that-". I cant remember what else she said, but when she said boy, she said it in that tone of voice where im less than her because shes much older and im a young person. That condesding tone arrogant elitist adults give to younger people these days.

Later on in another therapy session i confront her about how she made me feel and when i brought it up, she immediately curls her lip. I don't know why she did that. She never does that. I could tell she making an effort by looking at her face. As i was explaining my feelings and how i felt she was curling her lip the entire time and I could tell she was trying not to smile or laugh. She tells me she wasnt laughing at me and how that she is a sexologist as well as a psycologist and that in her sexual studies there are topics that make her smile because of the nature and context when someone talks or reads about something pertaining to sex. Later on, in another therapy session I talk about my insecurites, lack of self esteem, and I also talk about my "bodily insecurity", i gave it a label in that time so as to sound more proper i guess. During that session where i was talking about a lot of things, somewhere around when i say "im anxious about my bodily insecurities" her lips start to quiver and she starts struggling to not smile and her mouth turns into a smile and then a neutral expression. Like a tug of war with her lips if you get my meaning.

My therapist is very helpful. She cares about me and she is compassionate and I know many instances where shes shown this with her actions. Ive improved a lot thanks to her. But i dont understand....why did she act that way with me in those moments about my physical insecurity? I have a strong intuition she was laughing at me. Thats how a lot of women are whenever theyre gossiping about boys. They say "he has a small d**k" and then they giggle and laugh. I know this is true because I would overhear these things about girls who had hookups. I had a third instance where i talk to her about it again. And she said i have a hard time believing people and that im paranoid and that im projecting onto her. I know i project. I know i have a lot of psychological problems. There was a book in my childhood that was the only "fatherfigure" or "mentor" i ever had and it taught me to accept my faults and take responsibility. All of these pyscolgoical problems i have are true and im aware of them because when i found out i had them, (with my Ts help) i suffered low self esteem, humiliation and embarrassment, but my therapist was always compassionate and understanding. I never recieved understanding and compassion from my parents growing up. So i have a strong desire to be on good terms with her. That being said ive tried hard to take into account her acts of good will because there is SIGNIFICANT evidence that she cares about me respects me and wants to help me heal. One more detail i should say, she frequently cancels our appointments last minute a lot. Shes giving me mixed signals. Also when she responded to my insecurity so as to give me an answer to my dilemma, she was nervious and looked down and to the side occasionally. Shes around 56 and has a lot of expereince and is a sexologist as well. Why the nervousness? Please, if you have any advice or guidance, i need it. I had a father around but he was never present. My mom was too submissive to really protect me and care about me as she should have. Through much of my life ive had serious problems and no one to turn to. No family member, uncle, aunt, no one. All i have are strangers on the internet. (thats not an insult). Please, can you help another person in need?
Honestly, the way she handled that sounds mean.

Even if she accidentally smiled the first time, as your therapist, she should've apologized when you bravely brought up later how it hurt you. Even if she was just apologizing for making you feel bad.

Honestly, the way she handled that sounds mean.

Even if she accidentally smiled the first time, as your therapist, she should've apologized when you bravely brought up later how it hurt you. Even if she was just apologizing for making you feel bad.
I wasn't there, so I can't gauge the situation.

Maybe bring it up again to her and see how she reacts this time... it sounds like something that has really bothered you.
 
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