Yearning for Fearful Desires to Materialize

[BuildingSelf24]

I find myself looking around every corner for things I'm scared of like spiders and I find myself almost hallucinating them at the peripheral of my vision. It's almost like my mind wants there be a big honking spider right in front of me. I did some journaling and came to the conclusion that maybe I'm repeating my childhood dynamic with other things. I feared my family but wished they would show up for me, pay attention, and love me. Could this be a thing that any of you have experienced? I feel like a part of me would love if the things I fear would show up. Would probably explain my draw to things and people I know are bad for me.

 

[arfie]

Could this be a thing that any of you have experienced? I feel like a part of me would love if the things I fear would show up. Would probably explain my draw to things and people I know are bad for me.

i believe i have experienced this to an extent to have extra appreciation for the elegant simplicity with which you stated this highly complex psychosis. my current favorite simple stating of ^it^ is, "we don't crave what is good for us. we crave what is familiar." i don't believe i crave the fear, itself, but despite their fearful dysfunctions, i still love my birth family with the all-natural passion of a child and i crave their presence in my life. i sometimes analogize ^it^ as the "phantom limb syndrome" which is common among amputee victims. however damaged or diseased the limb which is amputated, the body feels it for life. it is **supposed** to be there.

for what it's worth
my current approach is to reframe those cravings for what is familiar into exposure therapy for the fears behind the hypervigilance.

 

[Friday]

Could this be a thing that any of you have experienced?

Patterns repeating &/or desired right on down to my bones? Absolutely. They’re different patterns & desires, though as deeply rooted in trauma.

Good catch.