Regaining Sexual Desires

[Candy Champ]

{If this is the wrong place move it and I apologize Dear Mods}

-I apologize for length and hope it is quality please help if you can-

Hi, my main question pertaining to around this thread is what are some ways, practices, (rituals? of what nature?) you have gone through, or go through still, use or employ to redevelop your sex drive basically. I imagine almost everyone who hast gone through sexual abuse have/had diminished lust, passion, tactile sensitivity. I’m trying not to label anyone though, it manifests through to many personality patterns and labels can dismiss and overlook important aspects of the situation.

This is just personal, but I cant be alone with these types of feelings or experiences. I don’t masturbate often, once a' month kinda deal feel horrible sometimes, im' not in a relationship I've had willful sex 2 times and both times I had no problem performing but I felt very numb, physically at times I could feel zero sensation in my hands/penis, and most body parts on contact. At times I would freeze up. Felt like crying at times and did later both times for a sec. The sex felt loving for the most part but through out the experience I would stare and be completely mechanical and it felt as if I was having a partial-seizure each time, very scary. Now I feel sexually numb, tactically as well. Its hard to interpret body language of people coming on to me because sometimes it feels very malicious.

I dont wanna feel dirty or bad about what im' doing, I hate feeling like people want to use me like a f*cking toy. I deserve to feel warm and happy and be able to embrace somebody lovingly with no hidden guilt felt from in thought of "giving" up my body. To be touched and be excited not intimidated. No rejecting people out of fear of lack of understanding. Letting my interests in someone develop physically without mental rejection? Its ok in my mind but my body rejects it.

Any experiences, stories, help, ideas from anyone?

Even a confirmation on this makes sense would help!

*I don’t wanna think a solid relationship with someone you could trust would be necessary to change these things although it would defiantly help.

*Any mental gymnastics of sorts to gain more control over sexual emotions?

When I used to evade my past experiences' I could feel more passion/sexual? when not in a trance like state...which was alot of the time, So this is better or getting better!

Thanks for reading

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[Diore]

This is just personal, but I cant be alone with these types of feelings or experiences.

You most certainly are not alone!​

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Its ok in my mind but my body rejects it.

EXACTLY. Oh god, sexual numbness is one of my most upsetting PTSD symptoms. I don't think I've actually felt genuine sexual attraction to anyone for the past... decade? (>_< has it really been that long?) I almost never feel so much as turned on, and when it does happen it's rare and unpredictable - and only lasts a few fleeting seconds before it dies.​

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I'm afraid I don't have advice to give you - and in fact, if anyone else has practical advice I could very much use it myself! So for both of our sakes, I hope someone else does.​

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Also: *hugs* because I know how much it sucks...​

 

[Powder]

Does anyone know if sex therapists are trained in helping those of us who were sexually abused with these issues? Or are you really stuck with a trauma therapist and just hope the healing of the trauma might actually bleed into the sexual arena? I have not found a counselor willing to "go there" with sex at all, much less sexual trauma. Yeah, I know. Makes me feel more alone with it. :(
Whoever can manage to come up with a surefire therapeutic approach for specifically this will make a mint; imagine how many millions are suffering this in silence daily. Nobody wants to think about that, but I do. Someone has to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I was numb for years, so I know where you're coming from.

The desire is back, but ATM I'm so incredibly jaded that it's more of a "party for one" kind of thing. All the guys I meet just want sex. On the first date. Sometimes even before. WHO NEEDS THAT?!? Sometimes I think I was born a few too many decades too late, as in it would be nice to go back to when men acted like gentlemen, not expecting sex five minutes after the first "hello"... But I digress. (No, I'm not a man hater. I was raped by a woman so it's women who freak me out, not men.)

How I became more sexual, idk, it just sort of happened.

But we are a separate breed. We don't subscribe to the status quo of an overly sexual society. And what I've learned is that this is OK. I'm not going to change because society says I'm not sexual enough. And tbh, I think that self-acceptance in this realm is paramount. Once you're comfortable with yourself, it is easier to get in touch with your sexual side.

Where am I now? Quite sexual by myself, I still feel nothing for others. Anymore I doubt I can ever be in a relationship b/c nobody will want to deal with my issues. That, coupled with the fact that nobody can please me sexually leaves me wondering why I would want a relationship at all...

Sigh.
SOL

 

[Candy Champ]

I really would like to msg you 3 and ask some questions,(Not like interrogations!) but I do not have the privlidge to do so at this moment and this post might help... but I will at least outline some things I do personally. I think a special mindset is important but ill talk about this later.

1#First thing I do Is really important... cant happen (sex/masturbating) without doing so important; and that’s taking a good shower/bathe. Clean your hair, wash everywhere, shave and trim up where-ever. I usually just double wash and shave, then afterwords trim up my nails and brows brush the teeth and what not, basically I try to feel as hygienic as possible. 2#This may sound strange but it really makes me feel clean physically/mentally having an enema which I don't do often, but do so before the bathing. It really makes a world of difference for me...
3#Grass really keeps me grounded persona, keeps me from feeling mentally broken, let me rationalize things, the two times I’ve' consented I would freeze up couldn't do it till, I rolled one up ,both times... much smoother from there and I actaully felt HOT. I recommend it highly but hey its not really a skill, and your on your own getting this medicine.
Opiates really help but I’m not gonna even suggest a game you cant win.(No morphine!! script didn't come in the mail today! Sick as a dog!) Porn just makes me feel upset for the "actors" I’m talking about the "regular" stuff too, what a f*cked up industry...

Feeling desirable is much better than broken. No advice hear accept were some cloths you feel comfortable in, I have a favorite set of cloths to sleep in(when im not naked...) Sleeping naked boosts your confidence I heard or read 9 years ago. If I masturbate Ill have those cloths on or had them on, their kinda tight make me feel loveable?. I usually just cuddle grind a bit with my pillow don’t usually get off but when I do its cuz im fantasizing about cuddling and foreplay type sex, like no penetration; more rubbing and feeling...
Really though cuddling is great!!!! Enjoy it more than sex xD
Idk I hope there is something of use in there for you Sila, and thanks for the reply I felt much better just having be acknowledged by you. Thank you, would like to talk sometime. :d

~Muse that seems pretty bad, that a therapist wouldn't even touch upon the subject. I'd have to consider my relationship to that therapist if I was gonna come back. I don’t think I could have my therapist decline listing to orations on such delicate subject matters without me questioning there purpose and my reasoning for attending. (Listening is the least they could do.) If heard of therapists who specialize in DID (MPD) whatever the DMS is calling it these days, but they would defiantly listen to sexual experiences of the sickest nature with no problem.

~Scared of Lonely I think I can empathize deeply with wanting to be born a little farther back, I was raised by seniors for half my life and the way they talk it sounds like you could get away with a lot of fun, hell even the children of the 70's tell me how f*cked up my life is gonna be, after I insist on how much indoctrinated kids are with technology. They usually don’t give a reason why its gonna be bad, till I insist. Then its like were both on the same page. But that's another Topic.

I’m' slightly confused by your post, your a Heterosexual woman correct? Since you’ve experienced rape by a women it would be hard for you to find love (possible even?) from a women? Im' XXY, very passable as a young man or girl visually I’ve been assaulted by both men and women and lots of girls. I wonder if the abuse makes me indifferent to whomever I try to engage as in their sex, or hormone therapy rendered me to this state or DNA. Men and woman though both scare me but woman much more so. I wrote this thinking, "damn that seems to be right about men these days," But I then thought "Woman can be very sexually aggressive if not more so and they don’t catch heat for it like a man would".

I dont know where im going with this, these are generalizations but I guess Im kinda of wondering if any of you have experimented with the opposite sex because of the abuse.

Thanks for reading

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[Diore]

I hope there is something of use in there for you Sila, and thanks for the reply I felt much better just having be acknowledged by you. Thank you, would like to talk sometime.

I only have time for a quick response right now, but I wanted to say thanks for this second post - and sure, it would be great to talk sometime! Feel free to private message me or whatever. :)

 

[freefloat]

It took falling in love before i could allow anyone to touch me in any sense. She'd also been abused. Hard to talk about it at the time but we knew and understood each other on a non verbal level. That allowed us to feel safe. What followed was some very mind blowing sex and love making. Still even if a male slaps me on the back in fun, I wanna tear their head off. So find some true love, as hard as it is, and someone who understands as they have been there. Let it happen naturally in a safe place for you both. I found that to heal alot and open myself more. All the best!

 

[jka37]

Sex is scary for me. I've never had it, to my knowledge...since finding out I have DID, I'm not so sure. All I know is with my boyfriend, once I finally start enjoying whatever we're doing, I flip out and start switching parts and feel disgusted and scared. Its so hard to deal with, and its really discouraging. I wonder if we'd ever have sex if we were married (I'm waiting as best I can).

 

[Helliepig]

I don't know really now because although I've had good sexual relationships in the past, after working with some of my sex abuse and ptsd I can't even face the thought of a relationship, a man, being with someone. I don't remember the last time someone approached me or found me attractive. I guess I shut down so it doesn't happen or I don't see it.

I tried dating, and i found I just can't do it. I found something wrong with everyone - I feel frightened and hopeless by it and I read other people's stories of sex and relationships and think oh, if only I had the right, the access to that. The sex to me doesn't seem as scary as the being seen/the cruelty/games/issues that might arise. It's like I can't expose myself to anyone as a person. It's very confusing too because I was abused by my grandma from being a baby so somehow it's all very subterranean and overwhelming when I try and go there - a bit like baby's memories are.

Sex itself I find lovely and I miss it. I could do connection as a sexual being because that was a place of performance, of mometary hiding, of being connected for a while so all the other stuff temporarily goes. For that moment you are someone. Sad, I know - I think I learnt early on that being with a man = sex. I didn't know what else it meant. (It didn't to them, at least)
Having said that, I haven't had sex since realising my abuse history so the sex may be a problem, I don't as yet know - but what I'm trying to say is I'm falling at hurdles depressingly short of that goal!!

Sorry if this is off your point a bit, I just thought it worth a mention in the subject of sexual "rehabilitation"

 

[Diore]

I could do connection as a sexual being because that was a place of performance, of mometary hiding, of being connected for a while so all the other stuff temporarily goes. For that moment you are someone.

That's an issue I've had too - and pretty much explains why I've bothered trying anything sexual with anyone at all, considering I don't "feel it". Sexual activity has never been about love or pleasure or anything like that for me. At best it's been this weird macho thing about wanting to "prove to myself", post-abuse, that I can face it; more often it's just wanting to be someone to someone else. Took me way too long to realize how unhealthy this was, either way... >_<

But we are a separate breed. We don't subscribe to the status quo of an overly sexual society. And what I've learned is that this is OK. I'm not going to change because society says I'm not sexual enough. And tbh, I think that self-acceptance in this realm is paramount. Once you're comfortable with yourself, it is easier to get in touch with your sexual side.

I've been wanting to respond to this point for a while, because I think you're onto something. I'd never figured in societal expectations before...

I used to be a very sexual person, and then... it's like something was cut out of me. And if first I was too sexual for the societal norms of where I was, then I became not sexual enough. But I think you're right, ScaredOfLonely, that Ultimately it is about self-acceptance and not letting some vague notion of "society" define things like how sexual we "should" be.

 

[The Albatross]

I used to be a very sexual person, and then... it's like something was cut out of me. And if first I was too sexual for the societal norms of where I was, then I became not sexual enough. But I think you're right, ScaredOfLonely, that Ultimately it is about self-acceptance and not letting some vague notion of "society" define things like how sexual we "should" be.

Me too and here here SOL.

Except that I do have a sexual dysfunction and that does complicate my marriage. I'm glad people are sharing on this topic. Some very helpful things... but I am too tired to put my thoughts together right now. Be back later.

 

[Lucille]

Ugh! I'm so in the same boat with a lot of you... JKA, I'm a virgin as well. And I totally agree that the all-too-early expectation of sex is so annoying and frightening. I have the same lack of desire most of the time, and when I do have desire, I'm afraid to run with it. Often I feel guilty afterwards.

It's really tough. That's about all I can say about it right now.