Am I Going Insane!

[Numb]

Backstory:
I was violently raped incestuous for approx 4 years, I finally found a girl, who I could trust, she knew I had been raped, she was the only one, I decided to go get help to better "us"

Well she ended up leaving me. Then that's when she told me she lied about being raped. I really thought she did turns out she was just cheating. Everything I was once doing to get better, was for her. Now I have no one, and I really dream about her everytime I dream. She is in it, we rarely talk, if it is its her telling me I need to get over it. I can not trust anyone, but I am so sick of this sickness, I want to able to trust someone again, to go out in public. I feel like I am farther back that I was when I started dealing with it.

But the dream thing is really freaking me out....Its been over a year....

 

[MurphyJB]

Hi Numb. Welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry you are hurting, coming here is a great step. So good for you!
I don't have much wisdom to offer, exept that you need to get better for you. Not for anyone else.
There are a lot of great people here to talk to. I'm sure they will have some wonderful insights.

 

[Numb]

Thanks, but that seems to be the issue, i have to have someone, i guess im really codependent

 

[MurphyJB]

You have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. Easier said than done though.

 

[track108]

Numb, i cant love i do not have this emotion anymore. My relationships are more me being dependant on them grounding me. Its not really all that healthy to do this, ive hurt a couple girls doing this. Continue helping yourself so you can have a healthy relationship

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((track108))))

Be kind to yourself. Speak gently to yourself. You are a good person and deserve a healthy relationship.

You might consider looking into 'Adult Child of Alcoholics' (or other dysfunctional families) meetings as there are MANY with the same issues...and there are meetings all over the place. Or al-anon. Or getting a therapist to help you.

You deserve the best in life.

Thanks for sharing. Please keep sharing, reading, and may you find ways to comfort yourself in this hard time.

 

[track108]

I have combat related ptsd i was conditioned in the marine corps not to feel or have emotion only to show nothing or anger. My therapist and i are working on this but i dont think this will ever change back to the way i was before iraq i miss loving people but i am fine and adjusted to this

 

[Numb]

Thanks everyone for the inspirational words.

Has anyone lost someone like a long term relationship or someone close from death or other reasons while trying to deal with PTSD? How did you deal with it?

My friends and family are telling me to go out and get my mind off of things, but when I go out I am so paranoid, before I lost insurance my therapist said that I was stuck in "fight mode" so when I go out im constantly looking over my shoulder, watching people body language, i usally have to leave it gets so bad.

I have no insurance so i'm having to deal with this on my own and d*** it's rough. I've read a few books that helped me a little, but with my ex knowing my deepest darkest secret, and then using it against me to cheat, on top of my cousin that i trusted raping me... It makes it impossible to trust anyone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Numb, welcome

I can't imagine what you have had to go through, but I can only suggest to begin with one day at a time and focus on achieving one small goal each day.
I'm not sure if the biggest fact was trusting in general or trusting a person who wasn't trustworthy.
I think you may feel different in the future, but first of all go foward in small steps, see what each day holds and try to surround yourself with positive people and things. It's ok if you don't feel up to enjoying it- do it anyway.
Maybe next time in your dream, try to 'say' what you would want to say.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

I swear, I often believe that PTSD sufferers must have a giant "KICK ME... HARD" on our backs. It can be very difficult to get close with someone for fear of us basically giving them bullets by sharing our troubles and fears with them only to have them fire them back at us later. I have learned that lesson over and over again with my husband.

People with poor coping skills often resort to petty tricks like name-calling and shoving our dirt back in our faces when they feel like they're losing an argument or have had their precious little egos stamped on. Your ex turned out to be that kind of petty person, but she did do you some favors. She convinced you to get involved in treatment and to start progressing toward a healthier mindset, and that's a positive thing. I started going to treatment and taking better care of myself when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I first got serious and he convinced me to go. I can't say we have a stellar relationship, or even an incredibly healthy one, but he did me the favor of pushing me to get involved in treatment in the first place.

In the past, every time I fought with my husband, or we separated from each other after he chose some harsh words during an argument that really cut at me deeply, I have either reverted back to my old ways, considered dropping treatment, or skipped out on therapy appointments. Each of those times, I did those things as my way of punishing him, in a sense. I did like getting better and I did like feeling more in control of my PTSD, but when he hurt me, I also knew that I was used to feeling like a suicidal piece of crap and that it hurt others more to see me like that than it hurt me to be like that. It did me no favors, got me no closer to anyone, and just made it more difficult for me to get what I wanted out of life.

I know very well the feeling of "what's the point? It's not like I have anyone to share my successes with if I were to keep going to treatment" but you have this forum and the people on it. We are all rooting for you and would be extremely happy with you if you continued your treatment and your progress with your PTSD. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us. I know you have it in you, and I can't promise that you won't have more heartache in the future, but I can promise you that you will have happier days and fewer crappy ones. Hold your head up high and be strong! You're worth it! <3

 

[Numb]

I know very well the feeling of "what's the point? It's not like I have anyone to share my successes with if I were to keep going to treatment" but you have this forum and the people on it. We are all rooting for you and would be extremely happy with you if you continued your treatment and your progress with your PTSD. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us. I know you have it in you, and I can't promise that you won't have more heartache in the future, but I can promise you that you will have happier days and fewer crappy ones. Hold your head up high and be strong! You're worth it! <3

Thanks so much for your post, I don't think I could ever... kill myself what I do have going for me are two parents that help and support me, with all the work they've done for me I could never leave them like that.

I have been going out on a limb to try to find someone to trust, even before I tried to get help I only had a few of friends that knew everything, she made me choose her or them and I chose her. I was out with it then because she was worth it to me. I should've known when she started to make rules.

Now I question if I can even trust myself. I am always the giver. I have a huge heart that i use to wear on my sleeve but now it's engulfed with numbness inside a box with tons of feelings trapped inside.

I talked to her about it recently and she basically she told me she wanted to lie and smile and fake being happy, if there was one thing I learned from that relationship was to never lie and I wasn't about to start there. I didn't abide now we do not talk. It's really her way or she doesnt want anything to do with me

 

[BrazenBull]

I don't deal with relationships at all. I just feel like i would be a burden or i would end up hurting her.

I did invite a girl over once but we ended up playing video games and i went to sleep on the floor so she could take the bed. I did talk a little bit but only the usual short phrases and trying to avoid talking, but on the great side she thinks im a great listener. :D but i think its better for the both of us to remain friends