Am i the problem??

[lavendercrandberry]

Am I the problem and cause of every relationship partner that I've ever had blindsided and ghosted me??


I've been in 5 relationships, and each have ended with me being heartbroken, confused, ghosted, and finding out there were an(other) woma(en).


First relationship lasted a year, even though was speaking prior for a year. He was my first everything. We communicated daily, saw one another frequently. He promised me he wanted to marry me and remain with me. ..that he loved me.. We had spoken the day prior to him ghosting me and everything was fine. He just ghosted me and disappeared. He was seeing another woman (eventually married).

We didn't communicate for 3 years after ghosting me. Prior to marriage .He sent me a letter via postal and email saying how sorry he was for ghosting me, that he wanted to remain friends and work towards being together again....etc..even called my mom asking her advice.. we remained in contact for about 3 months off and on..out the blue he told me he wasn't in love with me, that he never loved me, that he had pretended to like me because he felt sorry for me. That I was too tall, old looking, and ugly.




Another relationship lasted 5 years. .Basically the same pipe dreams and empty promises.. On the day prior to ghosting, we had agreed to going to therapy and working on our relationship...because we wanted to be married. I called him the next day to see what time he was coming over...and didn't get an answer..I called multiple times...
Eventually a woman answered the phone, telling me that he never wanted me, that he's been with her for awhile now, that I should have been lucky he pretended to love me because I was ugly and had nothing going for myself.. I heard his voice and him laughing in the background. Months later he apologizes and told me he really wanted to be with me. That the woman was just his cousin playing games, and that he told her he was depressed and didn't want to talk to me..he claimed he had no idea she had done that.

I never believed him, and told him it was over. That I never wanted to hear from him again. Later that day, he posted pics of himself and another woman online...and he was showing off his proposal and engagement to her. That he was very excited to marry her. That she's the love of his life. They married soon after. Anytime that he was caught cheating and talking to women on social media, he's been telling her that it wasn't him, that it was his ex(me) hacking his account, trying to break them up because she is still in love with him...(I had blocked both of them months ago after seeing the engagement) She then starts hitting up my phone leaving constant profanity filled offensive insulting angry voice-mails on my phone...warning me to stay away from him.

One time I answered told her that he was lying. That she shouldn't be so quick to believe a person, especially talking about a person she's never met nor had exchanges with. I told her she never should have known my name..as him and I aren't in each other lives anymore.

I never answered again.




Another 5 relationship basically the same empty promises and pipe dreams..
Leading to him ghosting me, later admitting thar he never loved me and only felt sorry for me. .that I'm old, ugly, and have nothing going for myself.

He turned to be another gossiper and lie spreader. Denies that he ever dated me.. We hadn't spoken for months after that...told his girlfriend (a woman I found out was in the picture all along while we were dating..eventually he married) lies about me. .
Told her that I was hacking his account, sending him messages, trying to ruin their relationship, told her that I was just a hoe he slept with once who caught feelings and won't leave him alone. .etc... all lies. A little later I recieve a text from an anonymous number containing screenshots of her ranting on social media, threatening my life, telling me to stay away from her man, even had posted my complete address and name(he told her this information) saying how she was going to beat me up...the post generated a lot of comments from her family and friends ready to eagerly join her.



It's been going on 10 years since that incident and the last time he and I last spoken.



Dated a guy for about a year. Same empty promises and pipe dreams. Before ghosting me, he admitted to never have felt anything for me. That he hadn't meant it when he told me that he loved me. That he was just using me as a rebound and a placeholder, because his ex the mother of his child didn't want him anymore..that he truly wanted to be with her.


That was 3 years ago.


Now....this guy that I've recently posted about...seems to be headed in the same direction..


Is it me?? Am I really the problem??

 

[Sideways]

Is it me?? Am I really the problem??

There’s 2 difficulties with this question - it’s very hard to tell what the issue with a relationship was based solely on the shitty exit strategy of one person.

Second, there’s 2 people in every relationship.

There does seem to be a pattern in your relationships leading to very painful outcomes. Have you got a T that you can perhaps pick apart the ‘what happened and why’ question with?

 

[Movingforward10]

How did these people treat you during the relationship?
Are you accepting awful behaviour from people and ignoring red flags?
Or are you saying that they acted loving, caring and kindly towards you and then suddenly it ended and they acted appallingly without any prior warning they had the capacity to behave like that?

 

[lavendercrandberry]

How did these people treat you during the relationship?
Are you accepting awful behaviour from people and ignoring red flags?
Or are you saying that they acted loving, caring and kindly towards you and then suddenly it ended and they acted appallingly without any prior warning they had the capacity to behave like that?

The latter. All of them treated me well, prior to ghosting. I had no idea they dated me out of pity and charity, a placeholder..I had no idea they felt these ways...I had no idea..

It made me sad to hear such terrible things. .especially from the mouths of others, who didn't even know me ..I had no idea that they'd resort to spreading rumors and gossiping about me.


an ex friend that I had known since high school did this to me as well. Went from bragging about how good of a friend I was to them, always thanking me for my friendship and being there for them...to sending me a hateful message saying that I was never anything but an associate. I questioned them about it, but they blocked and ghosted me. Then a mutual friend told me that this person was speaking ill of me. Spoke on my appearance, the way I dressed, the way I spoke,( I stutter and get tongue tied sometimes), they were making fun of the fact I still lived at home, they were saying that I'm a loser, etc...I saw the messages before I ended the friendship between our mutual friend and I.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Am I the problem and cause of every relationship partner that I've ever had blindsided and ghosted me??


I've been in 5 relationships, and each have ended with me being heartbroken, confused, ghosted, and finding out there were an(other) woma(en).


First relationship lasted a year, even though was speaking prior for a year. He was my first everything. We communicated daily, saw one another frequently. He promised me he wanted to marry me and remain with me. ..that he loved me.. We had spoken the day prior to him ghosting me and everything was fine. He just ghosted me and disappeared. He was seeing another woman (eventually married).

We didn't communicate for 3 years after ghosting me. Prior to marriage .He sent me a letter via postal and email saying how sorry he was for ghosting me, that he wanted to remain friends and work towards being together again....etc..even called my mom asking her advice.. we remained in contact for about 3 months off and on..out the blue he told me he wasn't in love with me, that he never loved me, that he had pretended to like me because he felt sorry for me. That I was too tall, old looking, and ugly.




Another relationship lasted 5 years. .Basically the same pipe dreams and empty promises.. On the day prior to ghosting, we had agreed to going to therapy and working on our relationship...because we wanted to be married. I called him the next day to see what time he was coming over...and didn't get an answer..I called multiple times...
Eventually a woman answered the phone, telling me that he never wanted me, that he's been with her for awhile now, that I should have been lucky he pretended to love me because I was ugly and had nothing going for myself.. I heard his voice and him laughing in the background. Months later he apologizes and told me he really wanted to be with me. That the woman was just his cousin playing games, and that he told her he was depressed and didn't want to talk to me..he claimed he had no idea she had done that.

I never believed him, and told him it was over. That I never wanted to hear from him again. Later that day, he posted pics of himself and another woman online...and he was showing off his proposal and engagement to her. That he was very excited to marry her. That she's the love of his life. They married soon after. Anytime that he was caught cheating and talking to women on social media, he's been telling her that it wasn't him, that it was his ex(me) hacking his account, trying to break them up because she is still in love with him...(I had blocked both of them months ago after seeing the engagement) She then starts hitting up my phone leaving constant profanity filled offensive insulting angry voice-mails on my phone...warning me to stay away from him.

One time I answered told her that he was lying. That she shouldn't be so quick to believe a person, especially talking about a person she's never met nor had exchanges with. I told her she never should have known my name..as him and I aren't in each other lives anymore.

I never answered again.




Another 5 relationship basically the same empty promises and pipe dreams..
Leading to him ghosting me, later admitting thar he never loved me and only felt sorry for me. .that I'm old, ugly, and have nothing going for myself.

He turned to be another gossiper and lie spreader. Denies that he ever dated me.. We hadn't spoken for months after that...told his girlfriend (a woman I found out was in the picture all along while we were dating..eventually he married) lies about me. .
Told her that I was hacking his account, sending him messages, trying to ruin their relationship, told her that I was just a hoe he slept with once who caught feelings and won't leave him alone. .etc... all lies. A little later I recieve a text from an anonymous number containing screenshots of her ranting on social media, threatening my life, telling me to stay away from her man, even had posted my complete address and name(he told her this information) saying how she was going to beat me up...the post generated a lot of comments from her family and friends ready to eagerly join her.



It's been going on 10 years since that incident and the last time he and I last spoken.



Dated a guy for about a year. Same empty promises and pipe dreams. Before ghosting me, he admitted to never have felt anything for me. That he hadn't meant it when he told me that he loved me. That he was just using me as a rebound and a placeholder, because his ex the mother of his child didn't want him anymore..that he truly wanted to be with her.


That was 3 years ago.


Now....this guy that I've recently posted about...seems to be headed in the same direction..


Is it me?? Am I really the problem??

This might sound really weird- but could there be someone in your life -all these guys are meeting ?
Someone who is sabotaging /hijacking your relationships? No idea why I am asking - but sometimes. there are people in our lives - who might .
Its Pretty harsh if you place pressure on you for so many connections that do the dump and run.
Take it easy .

We communicated daily, saw one another frequently. He promised me he wanted to marry me and remain with me. ..that he loved me.. We had spoken the day prior to him ghosting me and everything was fine. He just ghosted me and disappeared.

This is painful . Hearing ya.
My Therapist says GHOSTING is the cowards way out.
Take heart .
Stay strong - someone out there will cherish you .
Self reflect and see what you can do for now to grow where you are planted.

 

[Friday]

My Therapist says GHOSTING is the cowards way out.

So you need villains in your life? Or is vilifying behavior her schtick?

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

The latter. All of them treated me well, prior to ghosting.

THIS- is the mystery. This is what begs unpacking - if someone is treating you well and there is no toxicity, zero stress and arguments or condemnation Within and in the connection - the sudden cut of or ghosting as you mention - has done more harm to you than any moments or situations in the relationship(?) Sounds like the connections were stable, but the ghosting results in your head going into overdrive and a spin - which is expected. Ghosting could be perceived as abandon perhaps?