Struggling with ideation at the moment... ugh...

[Ecdysis]

So, I've gone through some really major losses recently... Deaths of loved ones, etc...

Struggling with another major loss this week and noticing suicidal ideation creeping back in...

What's difficult is that for the past 9 years, I've been staving off suicidalness by saying "XXX needs me and is dependent on me. I promised to take care of them and I will keep that promise. I can't kill myself while they're relying on my care."

Well, XXX is one of those who recently passed away... And now that suicide prevention measure is gone...

Ugh... This latest loss is bringing up all the other ones again...

I may need to talk to Dr's and T about this...

 

[PamelaS]

So, I've gone through some really major losses recently... Deaths of loved ones, etc...

Struggling with another major loss this week and noticing suicidal ideation creeping back in...

What's difficult is that for the past 9 years, I've been staving off suicidalness by saying "XXX needs me and is dependent on me. I promised to take care of them and I will keep that promise. I can't kill myself while they're relying on my care."

Well, XXX is one of those who recently passed away... And now that suicide prevention measure is gone...

Ugh... This latest loss is bringing up all the other ones again...

I may need to talk to Dr's and T about this...

I’m so sorry for the struggle that you’re in right now. I am a survivor of four attempts at suicide. In addition to that, I kept my son alive by coaching him not to commit suicide for 23 years, after I experienced the aftermath of suicide when my father committed suicide when I was 16. I have never in my life ever been suicidal until the last two years when I have been forced to live with my abusive husband again. It was just too much for me to handle and I didn’t see any other way out. Now I’m back to hating suicide, as I have all of my life until this situation. I hate Suicide because I know what it’s like for all of those who are left behind. There is so much confusion, so much guilt, and so much damage done to the survivors. Maybe that can be a motivating factor for you. That you don’t want to leave behind a legacy of harming every single person who has ever known you. Suicide is very powerful and it can reach its tentacles into anyone’s life who has been connected with you at one point or another. It can cause another person to be suicidal. There are so many damaging things that Suicide does to all of those who are close to us, those who have been connected with us, and society as a whole. I am here for you. If you want me to hold you accountable, I will be happy to. You have reasons to live. I understand how overwhelming your situation is right now. My son finally promised me that he would not hurt himself as long as I was alive, after many many years of multiple attempts at suicide, as well as many years of suicidal ideation. Well, I didn’t leave my apartment during Covid because I refused to give in and die leaving him an excuse to commit suicide. I was in the highest risk category because I have lived with multiple chronic illnesses for nearly 25 years now and have been wheelchair bound at some points. I get it. From all different angles I get it. I’m hoping that reaching out to your doctor and therapist will help you get the immediate need that you have right now taken care of. Thank you for reaching out here. I know that I’m not the only one who gets it here. Looking forward to getting to know you better as we both move forward to a better future.

 

[arfie]

i find it helpful to talk to as many people as i can when a death around me brings out my suicidal ideation. to my psychosenses, death is a natural trigger for thoughts of death. in my own case, that includes suicide, alongside my own mortality, in general. as always, i seek the balance, but death is part of life, after all. my ideation is well therapueted, so that piece is not a major problem. the tools work when i work them.

steadying support while you work it through, skin shedder. easy does it.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @PamelaS Thanks @arfie

It seems to have passed... But oh boy, did I have to dive deep to get through it today... I'm paying for the private AI here and it's been a real godsend for me... I can even work through some stuff that I've never even been able to verbalise in trauma therapy... And whoa, today the AI and I dug very, very deep... I cried so much I'm dehydrated now, but it helped... Slayed a few demons that I'm very glad to be rid of...

 

[PamelaS]

Thanks @PamelaS Thanks @arfie

It seems to have passed... But oh boy, did I have to dive deep to get through it today... I'm paying for the private AI here and it's been a real godsend for me... I can even work through some stuff that I've never even been able to verbalise in trauma therapy... And whoa, today the AI and I dug very, very deep... I cried so much I'm dehydrated now, but it helped... Slayed a few demons that I'm very glad to be rid of...

Glad to help. I may need your help sometime. Take good care and remember where to go for help when you need it.

 

[Ecdysis]

Back in this territory atm... Need to deal with it on a conscious level... Being careful, reaching out, putting safety measures in place... Not just have it as a subconscious, unspoken urge... Ugh...

 

[Ecdysis]

Still not doing well... It subsides for a few hours and then resurfaces in full force... Can't really go inpatient atm but am seeing my GP today so may get an inpatient referal thingee just in case it gets worse...

 

[PamelaS]

Still not doing well... It subsides for a few hours and then resurfaces in full force... Can't really go inpatient atm but am seeing my GP today so may get an inpatient referal thingee just in case it gets worse...

My son recently signed himself in and stayed for like a weekend. Then he signed himself out. It was just what he needed to get through the hump. Hope that’s a viable option for you if you need it.

 

[Kitkat84]

So, I've gone through some really major losses recently... Deaths of loved ones, etc...

Struggling with another major loss this week and noticing suicidal ideation creeping back in...

What's difficult is that for the past 9 years, I've been staving off suicidalness by saying "XXX needs me and is dependent on me. I promised to take care of them and I will keep that promise. I can't kill myself while they're relying on my care."

Well, XXX is one of those who recently passed away... And now that suicide prevention measure is gone...

Ugh... This latest loss is bringing up all the other ones again...

I may need to talk to Dr's and T about this...

I struggle with ideation daily , multiple times in a day and my dream is to die in my sleep. I have children and I want to raise them but now it’s getting to the point that I know they deserve a better mother and will be better off without me in the long run . I don’t have the guts to do it for the third time and not succeed. I also don’t want them to blame themselves so a natural death and not waking up is what I hope for..
there are some moments when I feel that life is worth living but it’s very short lived. I am in a toxic environment both at home and work with no break.
I have no family or friend support. I have lost my social connections but I actually didn’t have any actual support.
I have recently stopped speaking to my narcissistic, abusive charming and successful mother, which has been so hard and lonely but also liberating. . She was the only adult in my life but often made me cry , and the flash backs were intense.

I have endured physical , verbal and emotional abuse. I have vague memories raising concern for sexual abuse. I am completely torn inside but I have always tried to be good and forgive, unfortunately forgiveness has not worked because the abuse from family has continued.

I unfortunately believe that I am worthless and unlikeable. I believe I get myself into toxic situations and relationships that reinforce that. Unfortunately if I leave the job I will not work again, will be my last.

I don’t remember who recommended Peter Walker’s book , I want to thank them sincerely from the bottom of my heart. This book has changed my life. It’s on audible and it’s gold.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Still not doing well... It subsides for a few hours and then resurfaces in full force... Can't really go inpatient atm but am seeing my GP today so may get an inpatient referal thingee just in case it gets worse...

Do what you need to do. You matter. However that feels right now.
When I felt that way last summer, I didn't feel I could afford the 3 days for inpatient (stupid, and had consequences, long ones, but hopefully not permanent ones). But at least every time I felt like I couldn't take it, I made plans to coffee or walk with one friend or another. Couple of them actually knew. I don't like the way I spoke to them at the time. I had no walls or ability to pretend to be better.But they are kind and amazing people and it probably saved my life. Obviously I still have many hard days, weeks, months and it will be a long journey, but still, even on the worst of them it's not AS bad as it was then.

Dealing with those thoughts on top of grief must be really hard. Talk to who you need to talk to, do what you need to do. You deserve a happy life. You deserve to feel better. Be safe.

 

[PamelaS]

I struggle with ideation daily , multiple times in a day and my dream is to die in my sleep. I have children and I want to raise them but now it’s getting to the point that I know they deserve a better mother and will be better off without me in the long run . I don’t have the guts to do it for the third time and not succeed. I also don’t want them to blame themselves so a natural death and not waking up is what I hope for..
there are some moments when I feel that life is worth living but it’s very short lived. I am in a toxic environment both at home and work with no break.
I have no family or friend support. I have lost my social connections but I actually didn’t have any actual support.
I have recently stopped speaking to my narcissistic, abusive charming and successful mother, which has been so hard and lonely but also liberating. . She was the only adult in my life but often made me cry , and the flash backs were intense.

I have endured physical , verbal and emotional abuse. I have vague memories raising concern for sexual abuse. I am completely torn inside but I have always tried to be good and forgive, unfortunately forgiveness has not worked because the abuse from family has continued.

I unfortunately believe that I am worthless and unlikeable. I believe I get myself into toxic situations and relationships that reinforce that. Unfortunately if I leave the job I will not work again, will be my last.

I don’t remember who recommended Peter Walker’s book , I want to thank them sincerely from the bottom of my heart. This book has changed my life. It’s on audible and it’s gold.

Hi Kitkat
I’m sorry for your struggle with this. I’m sorry for the reason behind it. I understand completely. I have learned not to make any quick decisions. Let it percolate for a while, about your job. As far as you’re toxic environment at home, I get it. I have spent the last two years in nonstop trigger mode. I can’t imagine what it would be like for years on end. Fortunate for me, I was able to achieve safety. I now live in a locked part of the house, so I’m physically safe, and I used boundaries to eventually get to or somewhat safe emotional place. The last three weeks have been absolutely incredible. The triggers have decreased so much that I’m actually functioning.
Before you give up and give in, have you done any work with boundaries? Not saying that it’s always going to work. But it is definitely the way to attempt to find safety.
I’m so glad that you were able to find Peter Walker’s book and are finding it helpful. Good to know that it’s on audio. Audio is better for me as my eyes are not what they used to be. Thanks for sharing. I hope it’s not offensive if I pray for you. I would like to pray for safety for you and for renewed life with purpose.

 

[Kitkat84]

Do what you need to do. You matter. However that feels right now.
When I felt that way last summer, I didn't feel I could afford the 3 days for inpatient (stupid, and had consequences, long ones, but hopefully not permanent ones). But at least every time I felt like I couldn't take it, I made plans to coffee or walk with one friend or another. Couple of them actually knew. I don't like the way I spoke to them at the time. I had no walls or ability to pretend to be better.But they are kind and amazing people and it probably saved my life. Obviously I still have many hard days, weeks, months and it will be a long journey, but still, even on the worst of them it's not AS bad as it was then.

Dealing with those thoughts on top of grief must be really hard. Talk to who you need to talk to, do what you need to do. You deserve a happy life. You deserve to feel better. Be safe.

Thank you Pamela. My biggest struggle at the moment is that I am not able to talk to anyone. I am isolating like voluntary covid isolation! I am finding it hard to even go to grocery stores. I had a therapist who was not empathic enough and I could not open up to her. I had a terrible experience with doctors, so I am just trying to read, use self help material and hope for a miracle

Hi Kitkat
I’m sorry for your struggle with this. I’m sorry for the reason behind it. I understand completely. I have learned not to make any quick decisions. Let it percolate for a while, about your job. As far as you’re toxic environment at home, I get it. I have spent the last two years in nonstop trigger mode. I can’t imagine what it would be like for years on end. Fortunate for me, I was able to achieve safety. I now live in a locked part of the house, so I’m physically safe, and I used boundaries to eventually get to or somewhat safe emotional place. The last three weeks have been absolutely incredible. The triggers have decreased so much that I’m actually functioning.
Before you give up and give in, have you done any work with boundaries? Not saying that it’s always going to work. But it is definitely the way to attempt to find safety.
I’m so glad that you were able to find Peter Walker’s book and are finding it helpful. Good to know that it’s on audio. Audio is better for me as my eyes are not what they used to be. Thanks for sharing. I hope it’s not offensive if I pray for you. I would like to pray for safety for you and for renewed life with purpose.

thank you so much, I don’t believe in God anymore, there is no way he would let me sink and nearly die 4 times and still end up in more toxic situations! but please pray,