Do You Think Sympathy Really Helps In The End?

[Philippa]

I'm just wondering whether sympathy is actually very good for people suffering from any kind of pain or trauma? It's hard not to have sympathy, if you have a heart, but I was discussing this earlier with some other people, about whether it is better to give cold hard advice to someone who may need to hear the truth about themselves, or whether it's best to just be gentle and sympathize.

I personally think that there is a time and place for laying it on someone if they are playing the victim and it is impeding their progress. Sometimes that can be seen as a compassionate act, but if it's delivered without warmth and caring, then it's not helpful and can make the person feel worse.

What are your thoughts about this? Is it best to just coddle each other, or is being blunt more constructive in the end?

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps to tell the truth kindly and with respect?

I think one has to be flexible and know the person, also the dynamics of how you inter-relate ie. what are the triggers, degree of trust, how you communicate, what other stress is present, how much one can bear, etc.

It reminds me of my mom explaining to my dad how to treat each of us (there were 4) kids differently, in response to our natures.

Of course everyone is different and at a different place in their life or 'ptsd- journey', but I think whatever way is chosen ideally it should be with love.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think sympathy does anyone any good. I personally hate receiving sympathy. Empathy has it's place, but over all, the whole idea is to help one another, and sympathy won't do that. I don't think it's all or nothing, but sometimes blunt honesty is the only way to get your point across. Generally I'd say it's possible to give empathy and advice in a caring way. But encouraging a 'pity-party' by giving sympathy isn't helpful in my opinion.

 

[Sterre]

I personally think that there is a time and place for laying it on someone if they are playing the victim and it is impeding their progress. Sometimes that can be seen as a compassionate act, but if it's delivered without warmth and caring, then it's not helpful and can make the person feel worse.

What are your thoughts about this? Is it best to just coddle each other, or is being blunt more constructive in the end?

It's a difficult one, this question.
I would say it's best to be blunt and confrontational at some point, but who am I to be the judge of someone's need for victimizision? ( is that an actual word?)
Some people can only bear their burden by staying in the safe place they know so well. There must be a reason for that need. For myself I can only be blunt and confrontational if I'm willing to take on the consequences of being blunt to somebody. The consequences may be a break of trust betwen me and the other person involved. Thats a risk of being blunt. I'm not sure if I am "open" enough to understand and recognise when it's the proper time and place to be blunt to someone who wrappes him/herself in the victimrole. I am never sure if I want to be blunt out of higher motives to "help" the other person, or if it is because "victimision" raises to many irritation and triggers of my own.( that I want to release)

 

[Philippa]

Yes, good point Sterre. Knowing what our motivations for what we say are is often helpful. Are we really telling the other person off for their own good or because we are seeing apart of ourself in them that we still hate or don't accept in some way, and just lashing out at them?

There seems to be a lot of judgement around the victim in society, and I have felt this way many times before. I think though, that it might be a normal part of recovery for many people, and something they may need to go through before coming out the other end. Maybe more understanding of how the role of victim might serve a person for a time before they are capable of moving past it might be prudent as well?

I think also that most people feel like they know what someone else needs...but it has been an insight of mine in the past, that we really don't know what anyone else needs...it's just coming from our own bossiness to say that we do. So, to deliver a blunt force blow to someone we think is playing the victim without a tone of caring or warmth, might only be what we thing is needed, and infact not what the person really needs.

It's different for everybody though, which makes it harder to tell really. It's tricky. Some people respond really well to bluntness at vulnerable points in their life, and others don't.

 

[Philippa]

I don't think sympathy does anyone any good. I personally hate receiving sympathy. Empathy has it's place, but over all, the whole idea is to help one another, and sympathy won't do that.

I agree. Sympathy , to me, isn't helpful at all, and I don't like it when I share something about myself and have people tell me I am just looking for sympathy because often that isn't the case at all. Empathy is a different matter though, and I respond very well to empathy and do my best to show it to others when it is needed. I think Empathy really does help.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the guidelines for approaching ptsd are very clear and direct, but hearts are very complicated. Sometimes we need a pat on the back, sometimes a kick in the butt.

I agree that encouraging a pity party is hardly constructive, and in fact may be enabling.
I do think however empathy is critical, in so far as empathy implies or 'is' an understanding of the current challenges faced- not an excuse not to face them, but an offering of understanding and support.

I think it's also one's right to live as they wish, so advice has to be perhaps expressed as concern or love, not control or determining another's life choices for them.

I think timing, relationship and trust mean a lot. I will listen to someone who I feel has my better interests at heart better than someone who doesn't, irregardless of their delivery.

I think anyone should just be thankful someone cares enough to try to help you. In giving (my) own 'help' however, thoough I try to be direct I also try to be aware that my own words can be harmful, not helpful; if one is ready for a meltdown or nervous breakdown that is not the time for a hardline approach, not from me, anyway. That doesn't imply not telling the truth, just as per the timing and delivery.
I know there were times I had to have 'tough love' but then I was a minor, also; other times it would have been devastating. I think ptsd already originates at some level from "clamming up" and not feeling entitled to 'feelings' or 'voice' (minimization, self-blame etc), so it's a fine line.

 

[Philippa]

I started this thread out of interest, as it was something I recently experienced on another forum, and I didn't react very well to one particular poster who started telling me what I need to do to get my life back in order, and his tone was both cold and uncaring (I had another person in the rep station tell me to get over myself) when I was in white hot searing emotional pain that was constant for a whole day and night.

I was ungrateful to him, and some other posters there came down on me pretty hard for not being more grateful that he tried to help me...which I can understand now. At the time though I was not in a good place at all and I lashed out at him. I felt terrible and I apologized to him, but I really had a hard time even seeing his good intentions as it felt like I was being kicked when I was down...which is how another poster perceived it as well.

I can see now that he did mean well, but it was very hard to see it at the time. I also found myself misinterpreting what people were saying alot and lashing out a lot. From that I have learned that, for me, when I am in hardcore pain like I was, I respond very well to understanding and gentle re-assurance and encouragement to allow my feelings to flow, and react very badly to blunt messages delivered without care or warmth.

 

[Brontie]

Tea and sympathy they used to call it in Glasgow while I was growing up. And I do believe it can be very effective, if nothing else it lets the person know you are listening. I think the time for some cold hard facts is when all other avenues have been tried. I think all anyone ever really wants from their friends is to hear them say, "I hear you. Is there anything I can do to help?" There's enough people out there offering advice - whether you want it or not.

I found this on the net. I like it very much.


The Friend Who Stands By

When troubles come your soul to try
You Love the friend who just stands by.
Perhaps there's nothing she can do
The thing is strictly up to you.
For there are troubles all your own
And paths the soul must tread alone.
Times when love can't smooth the road
Nor friendship lift the heavy load.
But just to feel you have a friend
Who will stand by until the end.
Whose sympathy through all endures
Whose warm handclasp is always yours.
It helps somehow to pull you through
Although there's nothing she can do.
And so with fervent heart we cry
God Bless the friend who just stands by.

Anonymous

 

[Brontie]

Sympathy isn’t pity, it’s sympathising with what the other person is going through. I believe it helps a lot. I can see the cold hard facts coming into play if it has become a life and death situation. Personally, I feel the other person is probably going through enough pain and heartache without me adding to it. It’s a case of, give me a call and I’ll be there. I might just make you a cup of tea and give you a hug but I’ll make dam sure that you know you are not alone.

 

[cherryblossom]

I may have jumped to assumptions when reading your initial post Philippa. I assumed you were talking about sympathy with regards to this forum, but I now see that your post doesn't mention this. Apologies for that.
My reply was with regards to the forum, not real life.

Although my opinion isn't much different for real life situations. Except that in real life a friend or family member may know very little about trauma or PTSD, and their only honest response might be sympathy. And a friend that will 'just be there' for you regardless, is a great support (for a hug, a cup of tea, or just to sit with you etc). But on a help/advice forum, I don't think sympathy has much benefit.

I agree that blunt advise does sting, and our immediate reaction might be to lash out. But in honesty, when ever this has happened to me, once I've calmed down, I've been able to step back and see that the advice given was actually spot on. And of more long term benefit than someone else giving just sympathy/empathy.

 

[anni]

This is always a tough question when it comes up, at least for me. Maybe I do not understand what is meant by 'sympathy', or define it differantly. I do know that meeting with complete coldness just squishes me further, the whole ' just get up and go get over yourself and do it' apppoach ticks off something in the PTSD which feels awful. If a T did that I would not get very far. I'm not asking anyone to drip all over me, and feed into some idiotic, mealy-mouthed drivvel of excuses and self-pity, but an ' I'm sorry you feel so dreadful' is, I think, an acknowledgment of one's pain without being supportive on ones perhaps wallowing in it. Here, at least that sort of statement is generally followed by something along the lines of some positive, kick-things-into-gear suggestion, not further helpful hints on how to feel terrible. I have noticed once in awhile some new person perhaps joining for just that kind of feedback and whew-they do not get it! It's the wrong forum, to be sure. I have a print out here, from another forum where someone suffered a pulled muscle, swear to Gawd, in gym class resulting in 'PTSD', with others piling on the 'sympathy' helping this person pretty much languish in woe. Pitiful.

I just do not know from a personal perspective if there is a finite answer. Personality, cultural differances even, what 'works' for some people, definition of sympathy? This question has come up before, which means there's 'something' requiring attention probably.