Notgoodatnames
Bronze Member
He's gone again, as of Wednesday - so it's only been a couple of days. Coming here helps because it reminds me of all the things I know about why this happens and it helps to be around other people dealing with the same. It's always hard because it always happens without warning, which again is the nature of how this thing works, but it blindsides me every time. So now here I am .
Coping mode: I have a one week, two week and three week plan for the business we run together to make sure we can keep the wheels on and get us through to the end of the year, while protecting him from clients. This coming week he will have "flu", thankfully it's the season, so that should work, and then the last two weeks of the year should be slow because of Christmas so expectations shouldn't be too high. If he's not back by January I'll need a new plan. It's hard to make contingencies when I don't know how long I'm planning for.
Support mode: is me posting here, because it's the only place people kind of get it. Not only do I have to hide from our clients, but I have to hide from my friends and family. My family is in another country and my friends are scattered all over, so it's not like any of them socialize with him / us when things are ok. When he isolates, it't hard to hide my distress, and doubly exhausting that not only do I have to feel this way, but that I also have to mask it, because having well meaning people hating him for hurting me just makes everything harder.
Me mode: when I was 15 my mum left suddenly and checked herself into psychiatric care struggling with severe depression. Intellectually I understand, and she was making the right decision in getting help to care for herself, but to teenage me, one day she was there, and the next day she was just "gone" and I was all alone. So every time this happens, it is that all over again.
The "which flavor is it" guessing game: He's been doing pretty well - the last big break we had was in August of 2024, and since then there have been a couple of 3 day / maybe week stints where he has gone to ground, but it's not been triggered by anything between us, so those ones always resolve a bit more easily. This one, I'm not sure about. I was traveling last week so away from him for 10 days. Just before I left, a former work colleague that I haven't seen in about 15 years messaged me saying he was back in the area and suggesting we get coffee or a drink. I agreed thinking it was just "catching up" and a chance to talk shop about a profession that I miss and am no longer involved in". When I got back I had a whole string of really weird messages (from the former colleague) saying that we should "try dating and see if we fall in love" and offering to take me away for the weekend. It was creepy and unsettling - literally the only conversation preceding that was "hey maybe we should meet for a coffee" and I'd said ok. I told my partner because I really wanted him to put his arms around me and hold me safe and block out the world, and I guess also because I didn't want secrets from him - like the whole thing made me feel guilty even though I didn't do anything at all. We talked on Tuesday after all this happened on Monday and he seemed ok, but Wednesday he was gone, and not only is he not picking up when I call, but he is rejecting my calls. He hasn't blocked me, so I guess we could call this like a Level 2 disappearance? But it's making me think that this one was triggered by this incident and not something completely unrelated to me, which means the fallout could be worse and the duration longer.
I'll be ok. I think. It just takes time to switch modes from him being in my life and being gone, and those messages from former colleague felt like a threat, and the travel was tiring and my son is getting ready for college and everything in my life is changing and I'm exhausted. And because this whole thing is so unpredictable I can tell myself that he's always come back before, and that I haven't done anything to deserve him leaving, but.... there's also the fear that none of this is logical so what if this is the time that he doesn't come back? And like always, a little bit of "how much more of this can I take?' but also not taking it means leaving the love of my life (if he doesn't leave me first) and all of this feels unfair, to me, to him. I don't deserve this treatment, and he definitely did not deserve to be treated in the ways that he was, that led to all of this.
So in conclusion, nothing new, really, but thanks for listening.
Coping mode: I have a one week, two week and three week plan for the business we run together to make sure we can keep the wheels on and get us through to the end of the year, while protecting him from clients. This coming week he will have "flu", thankfully it's the season, so that should work, and then the last two weeks of the year should be slow because of Christmas so expectations shouldn't be too high. If he's not back by January I'll need a new plan. It's hard to make contingencies when I don't know how long I'm planning for.
Support mode: is me posting here, because it's the only place people kind of get it. Not only do I have to hide from our clients, but I have to hide from my friends and family. My family is in another country and my friends are scattered all over, so it's not like any of them socialize with him / us when things are ok. When he isolates, it't hard to hide my distress, and doubly exhausting that not only do I have to feel this way, but that I also have to mask it, because having well meaning people hating him for hurting me just makes everything harder.
Me mode: when I was 15 my mum left suddenly and checked herself into psychiatric care struggling with severe depression. Intellectually I understand, and she was making the right decision in getting help to care for herself, but to teenage me, one day she was there, and the next day she was just "gone" and I was all alone. So every time this happens, it is that all over again.
The "which flavor is it" guessing game: He's been doing pretty well - the last big break we had was in August of 2024, and since then there have been a couple of 3 day / maybe week stints where he has gone to ground, but it's not been triggered by anything between us, so those ones always resolve a bit more easily. This one, I'm not sure about. I was traveling last week so away from him for 10 days. Just before I left, a former work colleague that I haven't seen in about 15 years messaged me saying he was back in the area and suggesting we get coffee or a drink. I agreed thinking it was just "catching up" and a chance to talk shop about a profession that I miss and am no longer involved in". When I got back I had a whole string of really weird messages (from the former colleague) saying that we should "try dating and see if we fall in love" and offering to take me away for the weekend. It was creepy and unsettling - literally the only conversation preceding that was "hey maybe we should meet for a coffee" and I'd said ok. I told my partner because I really wanted him to put his arms around me and hold me safe and block out the world, and I guess also because I didn't want secrets from him - like the whole thing made me feel guilty even though I didn't do anything at all. We talked on Tuesday after all this happened on Monday and he seemed ok, but Wednesday he was gone, and not only is he not picking up when I call, but he is rejecting my calls. He hasn't blocked me, so I guess we could call this like a Level 2 disappearance? But it's making me think that this one was triggered by this incident and not something completely unrelated to me, which means the fallout could be worse and the duration longer.
I'll be ok. I think. It just takes time to switch modes from him being in my life and being gone, and those messages from former colleague felt like a threat, and the travel was tiring and my son is getting ready for college and everything in my life is changing and I'm exhausted. And because this whole thing is so unpredictable I can tell myself that he's always come back before, and that I haven't done anything to deserve him leaving, but.... there's also the fear that none of this is logical so what if this is the time that he doesn't come back? And like always, a little bit of "how much more of this can I take?' but also not taking it means leaving the love of my life (if he doesn't leave me first) and all of this feels unfair, to me, to him. I don't deserve this treatment, and he definitely did not deserve to be treated in the ways that he was, that led to all of this.
So in conclusion, nothing new, really, but thanks for listening.
