General New Here.. Introduction

[ISupportHer]

Isolation and withdrawal certainly is something I have seen for quite some time now.

Dealing with a baby is actually something I know a little about since we had our daughter and granddaughter with us for a few years when the baby was born. Of course, it adds to the total stress in the house. I assume there is no other bedroom to use. Perhaps, and I'm just grasping at ideas here, some way of partitioning the room with a blanket so that the baby's area does not have direct visual access to your wife. Then the baby doesn't see her. Still,, from experience, the baby knows she is there but maybe with some time and conditioning, the baby can start to go down better. I do think your idea of putting the baby down and your wife leaving the room until he falls asleep would be ideal. But I know you are fighting an uphill battle.

ISH

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks for the advice, folks. I tried suggesting she go into another room just long enough for Him to fall asleep, and she refused. A partition might be an idea, but the way her room is situated, I'm not sure how that would work. One other thing we might do is move the crib into my room.

I suggested that she come out to the living room and I'll go in the other room so she wouldn't have to see me. She said "That has nothing to do with it." which, I actually thought was a positive sign. It's not that she has a problem with me. Good. It's hard not to think that she doesn't. However, I don't have PTSD, so my mind doesn't think the way hers does. In fact some of the things she comes up with seem down right illogical.

Hopefully, once she starts her treatment, things will get better.

 

[Angus McGee]

At church today, a well meaning friend suggested i try and court her like we were back in high school. I had to explain to him that it doesn't work that way. Her mind isn't thinking straight right now.

That got me thinking.

How CAN I show her I love her, support her, and still want and need her at home?

At this point, I'm at a complete loss. It seems she is going to do what she is going to do regardless.

And, if this is it, will I ever find love again?

So incredibly lonely.

 

[ISupportHer]

I know you hurt. Quiet frankly, sometimes I think of it as being in quick sand. The more I struggle, the worse off I can be, if that makes sense. So try to stay calm and not panic. Easier said than done, I'll say THAT!

Just some random things:

I try to focus on whatever good I see. The OTHER cup analogy. To try to look at the half full and not focus on half empty.

Also, I accept that things turn to crap and it affects me negatively. I am human. I am trying to deal with an extraordinarily difficult situation. It is normal to have periods when you are down. I accept it, try to pull myself up and move forward.

As for the love. We, as supporters, I feel, have to be mindful that sometimes those we love have to struggle to find a way to love themselves before they can love anyone else. Kids, spouses, family.

There are a few books out there for supporters that can help you understand some of this. I used to be able to recite them but can look them up if you'd like. Or search "Ghosts in the bedroom" The other is "Allies in Caring" or something similar.

The other thing I would remind you is that even though you feel alone in all this, you are not. Others are struggling too. There is no manual that is a "one size fits all" template, but there are others who at least know some of what you feel.

ISH

 

[Angus McGee]

Yeah, I'd be willing to look at some books that would help, and give me directions. Thanks.

 

[ISupportHer]

I did a copy and paste: We used the term "carer" when I posted this, instead of supporter. I will still get information on the "Allies in Healing" book and post it.

ISH

Searching By Reading Books As Resources
A lot has been said on the forum about Carers' responses, good and bad. There are just so many good resources out there to help.

A book, "Ghost in the Bedroom, A guide for partners of incest survivors", for one. In spite of the title, it is not all about sex. It starts out with with chapters entitled, "It's driving Me Crazy" which explores feelings many of us have, and "My Core Issues" which is about relationships, dependency and co dependency. How we as carers need to evaluate ourselves in order to be of any benifit to our sufferers. A similar book is "Allies In Healing"

These are NOT an easy read. Frank discussions including the fact that sufferers die, they commit suicide sometimes. That relationships fail because of this. They are not just a feel good, everything will be OK kind of books. That is my disclaimer.

So, about the self exploration. Another book I have found helpful is
Depression Fallout: The Impact Of Depression On Couples and What you can Do to Preserve The Bond"

One author's opinion on a predictable response by Carers. That there ARE steps but that they are not necessarily 1, 2, 3 and that you can ebb and flow among them. Cannot quote specically but:

First, confusion as we become aware of a problem. Many times before a specific diagnosis.

Second, self-doubt. Is it ME? Is the other person having an affair? Those feeling many of us go through as we try to grasp for a reason.

Third, demoralization. That there is nothing that can be done, including a sense of resentment toward your partner.

Fourth, resentment grows into anger. Everything is upside down and blame is placed on the person but NOT the disease.

Fifth, unhappiness to the point that you feel you need to escape. The point of break up or divorce, partly because it becomes so painful that you just cannot take it anymore.

This book also is not all about the sufferer BUT also about us as carers. OUR feelings and OUR part in it.

OK, so that is my contribution for today. A few resources I have found and hope will help someone else.

Back to my disclaimer. At least from my personal experience. Don't read these at night. These are not topics you can explore, put down, turn off the light and go to sleep. Hell, sometimes I can only take a few pages at a time, LOL

 

[ISupportHer]

This was a response I sent to someone last Jan.: Again, a copy and paste. I took some of it out, EG, the persons name.

ISH

A Resource For You Maybe?


First, I want to say that I hear your difficulty, your pain.

My wife's Therapist had given her a copy of Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis. It is a companion book to Courage To Heal, a larger book that is for survivors (sufferers as we say here).

I hope you have other resources to help you, like a Therapist or Psychologist, but perhaps the books will help you and your girlfriend. I have a Barnes & Noble nearby and they were both on the shelf there, a testament to the scope of the issue in our society.

I will just add that the "Allies" book is wonderfully written to be inclusive of everyone. The various topics are written from ALL relationships view points. One area will be from the viewpoint of straight couple with female abuse survivor, the next with the husband as the abuse survivor, then from a gay or lesbian couples perspective. Guess I am saying that I feel you would find it as very inclusive for all. I found that to be a plus, frankly.

 

[Angus McGee]

Most appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hey there Angus, hang in there.

There is a lot of good advice coming your way. It has only been a short time. Don't give up on her just yet - distorted thinking is the enemy of PTSD sufferers - we imagine more what our loved ones and others think of us than the reality of their perception and situations. PTSD sufferers tend to make harsh, emotional decisions based on distorted thinking. Your wife may feel ashamed for having a relapse. Sexual healing is embarrassing for men and women. E.g. I was kidnapped, forced by gun to put another man's body part in my mouth which; ruined the intimate act in the bedroom with my husband (now deceased) because he tried to blame me for the kidnapping and would try to force me to do the deed. Last year for the first time in 30 + years I was free to pleasure my man - weird, but true - it was 'how' he approached the intimate act and the fact he cared enough to ask.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thank you. 6 months may be a short time, but it feels like an eternity. I agree that she makes plans based on her current state of mind, but to date, that's all they are. Plans. She has yet to follow through on anything, and that gives me hope. Every once in a while, I see the old person (who she used to be) peek through, and that also gives me hope. She is still in there somewhere. I just pray she comes back, and the sooner, the better.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

I do too pray heart and soul you both live through this. Laughter is what she needs. So do you ... think of what made you two always laugh. Plans are good, she's trying ... she's looking for a way out of her head - Give her a smile when she makes eye contact. Being there - is all it takes.

 

[Angus McGee]

The plans she is making are for getting her own place. Those are plans Im glad she isnt folliwing through on. I am trying to be as kind and caring as I can be for her. I have told her I am there for her too.

Thanks for your comments. I hope you're right.