I Messed Up

[Vee Lagrome]

I went MIA for a while... I'm back and it's very hard for me to admit to this.. but... I messed up. I attempted suicide twice over the past few months after I stopped taking my meds and absconded from therapy.

I just got to the point where I was totally overwhelmed with everything surrounding the murder/arson that happened in my apartment building and being fired form my job based on my race. It's been a really difficult several months and I just broke down and swallowed 3 entire bottles of pills. I didn't tell anyone. It didn't knock me out, but immediately following, I lost control of the muscles in my jaw and then my legs. I couldn't tense up the muscles in my legs enough to walk for a few days afterward. Once I realized that I wasn't going to die, I became terrified that if anyone found out that I'd go back to the psyc ward, so I never got medical attention. Well, a few weeks later, I tried again. I feel like a complete failure.

Facing my psychiatrist was the worst. I told him what happened and I was terrified that he would send me back to the hospital. I am so glad that he didn't and I'm back on meds, but now I'm just so confused as to how to deal with suicidal feelings. I'm too impulsive when it comes to it but I am terrified of being in the hospital. I get so much worse when I'm confined like that and it pretty much takes me back to square one. I just don't know what to do. I'm ok NOW, but I don't know...

 

[Heather]

OH Vee - I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm glad it didn't work. Don't do it again, ok! You are very lucky that there was no permanent damage from swallowing 3 full bottles of medication.

Are you able to make a commitment to your therapist that when you feel like that you WON'T do anything until the next time you talk to him/her? That's what I do with mine. It works for me. Just a thought, everyone is different.

You need to keep yourself as safe as possible and if admitting yourself inpatient is what needs to be done then you have to do it. NO MORE SWALLOWING PILLS HEAR ME!

Take care. HUGS. Heather

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Yeah, I am lucky. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. This is why you're not supposed to stop taking your anti-depressant.
I have made the commitment. I have the safety contract, but if it involves going to the hospital, I can't do it. that's been the only thing to keep me from doing it more than twice was the thought of going back to the psyc ward. I think I need to work on being more open with my emotions. I don't talk to anyone when I get extremely depressed
I told my psychiatrist about it and now my husband knows. :/
So, my pill cabinet has been stripped down (even my secret stash) to anti-depressants and ibuprofen 15-pack and my husband threw out everything he has with the exception of a travel-sized pack of allergy medicine. So, if I try to do it again, I don't have anything here and if I try to drive to the drug store, that's just more time that I have to think things through, which means I won't go through with it.
Thanks for your kind words. I should print it out and put it on my fridge as a reminder. Lol.

 

[Tinyflame]

So, if I try to do it again, I don't have anything here and if I try to drive to the drug store, that's just more time that I have to think things through, which means I won't go through with it.

I'm sorry it was such a bad time Vee.

If you know a time delay will help you think it through (and you are able to think it through), and then you won't do anything, that's a good sign you DO know what to do. And you can think of other things, and write them down.

Your husband needs you and he would go through hell if that happened.:(

 

[Vee Lagrome]

I know, you're absolutely right, Junebug. It was a moment of incredible selfishness and I just didn't think. I knew that it's dangerous for me to keep pills next to my bed but I did it anyway. I feel absolutely awful about it and I don't want it to happen again.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok Vee, you have courage to tell the truth.
Just ensure you're safe for your sake and your husband's.
I'm glad you're ok.
(((((Vee)))))

 

[ronin47]

That's a perfect plan, keep the "tools" out of reach. You can't overdose if you don't have anything to overdose on. It sounds to me like you've got a good idea of how to keep from doing that again. The first time I attempted suicide was actually a very similar scenario. I stopped taking my medications, not because I wanted to, but because there was a bad snow storm and no one was willing to drive me to the pharmacy. Not long after I overdosed on asprin.

I know what you mean when you say you "weren't thinking." For me it was done out of sheer impulse of the moment. Something in my mind just disconnected and I almost felt like I had no control over my own body.

I'd be a liar if I said I didn't completely and totally empathize with your fear of hospitals. I have no idea how long I've had PTSD since mine stems from chid abuse, but I never had a panic attack in my life until after I was put in the psych ward. I could rant about how horrible it was for hours.

However, if you keep taking steps to keep yourself safe then it's not likely you will have to worry about that if you tell your doctor how you're feeling. The only times they're supposed to do that is if they think there's an imminent risk you're going to try again, and if you show that you really don't want to by doing things like keeping pills and things like that out of your home then you don't have to worry.

Bottom line, the most important thing is keeping you safe and secure. I compare psychiatric hospitalization to warfare. It is an abomination and a horrendous afront to the dignity of humanity, but sometimes a necessary one.

Keep talking to us. We're here and we all want you to be safe and happy. You're more than welcome to message me if you're having a rough time and just need to vent.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Thank you, you're absolutely right. The psyc ward setting is absolutely degrading and if it were at all helpful, maybe I would think differently about it.

I know I have a huge problem with suicide and I want to work on it without the fear of being sent back to the hospital. There are so many restrictions in the house and honestly, it makes me feel good. No razors, box cutters, pills, or other things I've used or been tempted to use in the past. But I worry that I will come up with a new thing that I'm attached to and try so hard to keep my mind away from that stuff.

I just... I have no idea how to tackle this problem. I'm scared to. I've never told any therapist about the extent of it because I'm scared of being back in the hospital. There's got to be a way to work through this. :/