Putting Distance Between Me And My Father

[Reclusive]

So, my dad sent me a PM on FB about a status update I posted and I decided to reach out. I told him how upset I still was about mom's death and that, even though I was having a hard time, I was starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. He made comments about my fiance enabling my delusions of victimization and implied that I was gaming the system by being on disability. I called him on it, saying that I knew he thought I was weak and that he wasn't proud of me and he responded by sending me a music video about how you have to choose to be happy.

I was/am SO mad about that! Here I am, trying to get back on my feet, getting the help that I need, working part time, and then pouring hours and hours into running HIS websites and this is what he thinks of me.

So, I've decided to unfriend him on FB and kick him off my business pages. I'll finish up the projects I said I would do and then I'm done. He can talk to me through my brother (who is probably going to be pissed at me). But I don't want anything to do with him at this point. I don't know if I'm going to want a relationship in the future or not, but I do know that for right now, I need some space and time away from him.

I'm trying to decide if I should email my brother a head's up. But part of me is sure he agrees with dad, even though my bro has been totally supportive of me and said that he didn't understand, but he knew I was doing what I needed to in order to get better. That meant a lot and I hope it's true.

 

[Srain]

Reclusive, how is it your father can judge you on anything??? He is in no position to, how dare he! Honestly, makes me sick. His denial runs deep and he continues to use you, no conscience what-so-ever. Remember this because this IS who he is.

You take care of you however you need to. I think you are doing the right thing and don't be surprise should your brother side with your father for his own needs, it doesn't mean you are wrong and certainly you are not weak!

hugs,
Rain

 

[ronin47]

I had to create some distance between my father and myself before I was ready to reach out and start a new relationship with him. You have to be your own priority here and it sounds like you are making a very good decision by setting healthy boundaries between him and yourself. You are your own person and nothing he does or says can change that. Take care of yourself in every way you possibly can, you are worth that.

 

[Liam]

reclusive. I cannot believe he sent you a video about how you have to choose to be happy! That's so ridiculous. I would have reacted the same way. You are making progress, so don't let anyone tell you that you need to somehow "be fixed" any faster than you are able to heal.

 

[Reclusive]

Thank you SO much you guys! I've been in bed for the last two days. I keep going on this rollercoaster of wrath, satisfaction, and absolute terror. I can't believe what I'm doing and I'm horrified, but I know in my reasoning side that I'm doing the right thing.

My mother became a quadrilateral amputee when I was 12 and when I was 14 she started confiding in me about all she was going through emotionally. I've always been honored that she turned to me and I was able to give her some small comfort. But seeing this side of my dad... I'm starting to wonder if she confided in me because she couldn't talk to him. That idea terrifies me and makes me so sad.....

I feel positively nauseous and shakey. I really needed to hear your words because I was doubting myself. I can't stand this.

 

[Liam]

That is awful if she felt that way about your father. But also, what a blessing You must have been in her life. It would have been a lot more terrifying if you werent there for her.

 

[Reclusive]

Ugh, I just got a FB message, email, and text message from him asking if I knew that I disappeared off his pages. I know if I engage I'll just be dragged into this long drawn out thing. SO hard! Still shaking!!!

 

[Liam]

I'd ignore it

 

[Reclusive]

Well, I'm definitely ignoring it for tonight. But I wonder that I shouldn't tell him that I need some space or something. He's such a passive-aggressive jerk, too, that having an honest convo is pretty much impossible.

 

[Deleted member 487]

I have a few questions here. Up to you if you answer them here or to yourself.
1. So what if he judges you?
2. When does his opinion matter to you?
3. Is he still raising you, or are you on your own?

Consider the answers you give for these questions. Then consider your actions. If you are living on your own with no support from him, what does it matter if he judges you? Yes, yes. I know. PTSD.

Listen, I've been dealing with PTSD for over 30 years. I had similar feelings myself. But then a couple of my friends pointed that out to me- if I'm on my own and getting no financial or material support from the people that judge, why should I care?

It's hard to get past caring. But the biggest help I found is to realize that their judgement only affects me as much as I let it. If my ex-wife thinks I'm a louse, well, let her think that. Does it hurt? Initially, yeah. But hey, we're not together anymore. So screw it.

I hope that helps you some.

 

[Reclusive]

1 & 2 - I have this stupid want for approval and validation from my Dad. I've never gotten it and probably never will and I'm trying to get used to this idea. I know it shouldn't matter, but it makes me absolutely furious that he's gone from 'indifferent' to actively disapproving of me after all I've done for him.
3 - I'm all on my own, and he doesn't even make a good safety net. For a long time the only reason he's been in my life is because he was the controller of mine and my brother's trust fund. But from the way he's acting, I'm assuming it's gone now. So I guess he's not much of a 'safety net' anymore.

It's a little scary to be alone, even though I have my fiance. But my dad and my brother are pretty much my only family and I'm scared that I'm going to lose my brother over this. Him and my dad are close, so I'm on pins and needles waiting to see if my dad is going to drag him into this.

I've talked to some friends, and you guys here, and I'm feeling better about whether or not my decision was right. I probably could have handled it more gracefully and probably still can. But I need to remember not to engage and not to get sucked in to some stupid argument.

 

[Liam]

perhaps you should try to be open with your brother first?