My Childcare Child Died ...after Second Day In My Care. I Feel So Guilty Even If It Wasn't My Fault!

[helpmecope]

May I can't beleive it's been almost a year. And my feeling are starting to finally kick in, I have been going to counseling for 6 months but still have so much pain from this insedent. I can't help but feel like I'm a bad person even thouhg tI didn't harm the child. I preformed CPR and did all I could when I found him not brreathing and he died two days later in the hospital from a medical condition preexisiting) I still blame myself.

I had a messed up childhood and bad realtionships and a hurtful marriage at times. But I have two healthy kids whom I raised since they where bron and lots of wonderful childcare expereinces and families who thought th eworld of me. But I can't shake this pain and guilt I guess. I think somewhere deep down I must have know that the child was ill I seen how super small he was and I thought I could help him. I wanted to fattin him up and make him healthy.

Biu how, after knowing that family 2 days and watching him for about 6 hours he was off tot he hospital. The paramedica gave him a drug for anti-sesures that stopped his little heart and that caused brain swelling. And ultimately he died from all that and an exisiting health condition and I guess failuare to thrive played a part. The Doctors, investigators everyone never blamed me. But I hurt as if I could have down more or should have know this would have happend. No I have PTSD...and I hurt, want to forget or die or something.

How do other cope with things they can't control or fix, why did this happen WHY??? It ruined my career, family future plans to have more children, marriage, life and trust in myself. WHY did this happen?

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum helpmecope. That is a very horrendous experience, it is so hard to deal with the survivor syndrom part of PTSD. I'm glad you are in therapy as that will help you. Coming on this forum will help you deal with this stuff as you will be able to vent out and come in contact with people who can relate to what you have experienced. Will be reading your posts. Hang in there, you are not alone.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Helpmecope))) it was a horrid thing to experience. IMHO, one of the worst, the death of a child is so cruel.

I am pleased you are here with us. We have no magic wands to make things better. What is here is great information and threads. Fantastic support and friendship from members. And what is best for me is the realisation that I am not alone in how I am feeling, true our traumas and situations are all different but the folk here understand.

Wishing you peace and healing
KP

 

[Emma Zoe]

So sorry, that's a horrible thing to happen. I'm a childcarer and the thought of anything happening to one of my little charges (or to my own child) is the most unbearable thing ever. Big hug for you.

 

[Fabulously_Screwed_Up]

Welcome to the forum, helpmecope. I know what it's like to blame oneself for things one had no control over (or any hand in their ocurring, for that matter.)

I agree with KP, above. I hope you can find the support that you are looking for here.

I wish you much love and healing in your life.

Fab.

 

[Lionheart]

I didn't harm the child. I preformed CPR and did all I could ....I still blame myself.
How do others cope with things they can't control or fix,....
...why did this happen WHY???

I am truly sorry that you had such a horrible experience! Still, I don't believe the guilt is deserved...

You didn't harm the child, you performed CPR and did all you could...period! No one, not the doctors nor the investigators blamed you....because you are not to blame!!!

Why did this happen?

......The paramedics gave him a drug for anti-seizures that stopped his little heart
....ultimately he died from that, an exisiting health condition,.... failure to thrive...."

I have to admit that things I can't control are a trigger for me and sometimes, I struggle with it. What helps me is to redirect my focus to what I can control. I release myself from unnecessary guilt and shame for what I can't control, by remembering that I am just a human being and therefore not perfect. I believe you did your best and that is all anyone can ask of you....it is all you can ask of yourself.

I understand that survivor guilt is a symptom of PTSD, but I really think you deserve to let yourself off the hook for the thing that you could not control.

I wish you the very best!!!
LH