Faith/ Hypocrisy/ And Faith

[OKRADLAK]

I have been trying to go back to church. I really like them and am starting to feel connected again. I have missed my faith a lot.

Well, during the studies, I have the most horrible blasphemies you could ever hear. I am talking to the preacher in my mind, telling G-d things things in my head, over and over. It makes me feel so ashamed and hypocritical!!

My advisor has said it is my brain and not my soul. I agree. If you don't believe in the soul, this won't make sense.

Anyway, I am deeply involved and no one knows but my adviser that I have these thoughts and no one needs to know. But they are wearing me out. I am starting to think I am going to hell or that if they knew they would also say that , too.

I know it sounds elementary, like a 10 year old. Mommy, am I going to hell. That is not really what I mean. I mean, how can someone have such disturbances in the brain and not say it's also in the soul?? I often wonder if God really can love someone with these thoughts. I would not judge someone else, but I do so to myself.

I am fighting so hard because I do not want those who hurt me to take that faith I had. It's changed and I have lost it many times.

It's all so unsettling and wondering if anyone has dealt with this terrible thought-life issue??

I hope this makes sense. I have been running on little sleep for a long time now.......but doing better with it!

 

[The Albatross]

So glad you're doing better with the sleep Oradlak!

Something that helped me alot, was the 55th-57th Psalms (I'm Christian)... in it David gives very solid examples of how to emote distress, frustration, fear, anger, sadness... and then turn it around. At times when my brain tries to run the show and dominate my thoughts, I'm learning to reign it in by telling the ego/psyche to shut the heck up and turn the conversation to my soul... that line, "Why so downcast oh my soul?" And then give it up in prayer to God for whatever I find. God loves us as we are... we belong if we are people of faith in whatever capacity as we are able... and then we grow from there.

Take heart... You're likeing what your are finding at a church, you're taking steps to remedy something that is important to you and that you have been missing... AND you're starting to feel connected!! All awesome things. The thoughts in our head... the running conversation may be your inner critic running you down. Take charge of the inner conversation and say, "Hey, I made the decision, I'm here at church now, and I'm listening. Shut up, and I'll get back with you, I'm busy."

 

[Angus McGee]

My wife has. Her PTSD has caused her to lose the ability to trust those who she should trust most. Me, her husband, and even moreso, her God.

She could have written your message, in fact.

To encourage, I can reassure you of a few things I know from scripture.

God loves you. It's not even questionable. "For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son..." it's not the world that He loves, but each of us, individually.

James says to "count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." He also says to "let patience have it's perfect work".

That tells me that it's okay to question your faith.

Also, I'd encourage you to read the first three chapters of Ephesians. Paul seemed downright giddy as he wrote that book, even though at the time, he had suffered tremendously, and (I think) was in prison, in chains at the time he wrote it.

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

 

[intothelight]

Hi Okradlak,

It is interesting that you mention faith and the struggles you are having with it. One thing that isn't brought out too much on here is that one area that PTSD affects is faith. It is not uncommon for a person with PTSD to be so shaken by the symptoms they begin to question every thing including their faith.

It is taking me a while to reach a point where I feel "worthy" to be in a relationship with Christ. I guess what I had forgotten is that He meets us where we are at and we don't have to "do" or "be" anything, as he loves us as we are. Easier to tell to others than to own. But I am working on it.

Just remember God is a God of love and he loves us just as we are.

Debbie

 

[Sqweak]

Okay, so I may be the stray duck in this thread because, I am not at all pious. I don't think I can possibly give you better advice then the advice that's already been given; However, I recognize your struggle Okradlak so with that being said...

For those who believe in the soul I would find it difficult to think that certain actions effect one without causing pain to the other right? I don't think what you're feeling is at all hypocritical to your faith. It's important to question the things that trouble you it's the only way to get an answers. And if god is made of all the love they say it's made of then I don't think it'll strike you down and send you to hell for that.

Okay so now I’m going to tell you something silly. I watch this show called supernatural, I love the crap out of this show and these last two seasons have been about god and angels and demons, you know all that fun stuff. So one of the premises of the show is about dean's brother Sam, who get's sucked down into hell and losses his soul (temporarily). Now, somewhere along the line they meet death and death tells Sam’s older brother dean about the resistance of the soul:

The soul can handle many trials and tribulations, it is Tenacious and unyielding in it's power to triumph through the worst of evils. This theory may have come from the mouth of a fictional character but I believe this. Your soul is strong Okradlak and like so many things in life it will one day come to you. You can't force faith; I don't think there is a single person who can rob you of that. I hope you find the patience to weather this out and your faith returns to you.<3

 

[OKRADLAK]

Squeak, that's deep! ........Maybe I am thinking too narrow. The church I am going to is a bit on the fundamental side. What do they say? No Fun all Damn and No Mental. :D

I have such a hard time with it, but if I broaden my beliefs it will help. Of course, they are black and white. If I broaden beliefs, I am in danger, so they say. But I have been through enough to know that things are not that cut and dry. We are very complex and tenacious, indeed!

I have seen that show advertised and it looked very scary to me! LOL!

 

[Sqweak]

Oh Ha! I was raised a staunch Catholics for the first half of my life then my mom decided that Christianity would be better and some how we went from Friday night mass to Buddhist meditation rituals. I think she was also looking for her faith and me being her spawn child I followed suit but not my whole life obviously. I mean I don't want to be the person who's all comes over to the dark side Okradlak we have cookies. But if the church you're currently visiting isn't guiding you in a direction you feel is open and positive, then reading something out side of your denomination maybe a welcome change for you?

If I broaden beliefs, I am in danger, so they say.

Yea well the world was supposed to end 2 months ago and unless it happened at the speed of light, and we're all currently living in an alternative universe; you can't take whatever body says to heart, in my opinion.

Supernatural is great! It is scary but they're so humorous and the storyline is good. They also do pop culture references very well lol.

 

[Sammy]

I could have written the start of this thread. I won't go into the things I believe or my church but, it is a struggle. Faith needs trust. I fight to trust and find the balance. My twisted thinking tells me trusting is a bad idea and is dangerous - in direct opposition to faith. The people at my church are great, they just cannot know or understand the battle that goes on in my head. I am trying to learn how to trust and believe the things I know. Those things that are under all the pain and hurt caused by others. Most Sundays it is all I can do to even get into the building. Too many people. Too much "love" that is hard for me to understand or accept. The place is just scary to my warped head. Logically I know it is safe. Emotionally, I can't. But because I don't want the PTSD to win, I keep going and hoping I can learn to manage the anxiety enough to let myself find peace in my beliefs and stop the battle with my own mind.

 

[Mercy]

In the beginning of my therapy, I had trouble with my faith too, in very immature ways. If God is real, how can he let such suffering happen? etc...Slowly I learned that his greatest gift is freewill. We are free to choose whether to love him or not. Love that is compelled is not free.

When I heard the Bible verses like God shines on the just and the unjust, I had to ponder that for a while. I came to the conclusion that this is a statement of God's unconditional love for every one. He will not withold his love for any reason even from our perps. Think of the good thief. He couldn't get down and make amends. He couldn't find the people to whom he should have said, 'Forgive me.' All he asks is that Jesus remember him in his kingdom. Jesus says, "Today you will be with me in paradise." [I guess paradise's clock is a little different than ours.]

In my corner of Christianity, we don't believe that body, mind, and soul are separate entities. When the Priest says.' Bow your necks before the Lord', we do. Then he says, 'Lord look down on those who have bowed the neck of their souls....'

Jesus says that the kingdom of God is within you , a place for the Holy Spirit to dwell. This was very amazing to me. I felt so deeply raped. I felt soul rape. Raped in the essence of my being. Yet there, in the essence of my being is the Holy Spirit. Jesus said the kingdom of God is within us.

There is an old Orthodox Christian saying that any rememberance of sin without the presence of the Eternal Love of God for you is from the other guy. We don't have to listen to that crap. We don't have to believe every thought we think. Good Heavens, some of us have heard horrendous things. If we hear those words again in our minds, it is just a distracting memory. As the saying goes, you don't have to invite them in for tea.

 

[freakofnurture]

I often wonder if God really can love someone with these thoughts.

If he can't he's neither omnipotent nor worthy of your concern.

If you don't feel you can stand a rather harsh treatment of faith at the moment, please disregard the rest of this post; I don't want to upset you or make things harder for you, but I think you're suffering needlessly here ------ 'rest of post' starts now ------- and I think, maybe your 'forbidden' thoughts could be what you really think but cannot admit because you feel that your faith is the one thing you could save from the abuse - which would be very very much understandable, but still tragic, because ->

I think faith in this god guy is in itself abusive. I mean, threats of hell, isn't that abuse? A guy who owns every last bit of you, yet pretends that you are free because you can 'choose' if you want to suffer eternally or crawl up his omnipotent derrière by doing exactly as he wants you to?

There's a healthy alternative to faith in gods - not needing faith in gods - and it is a lot more fulfilling and peaceful than faithists have you believe. If you're interested why none of the arguments for the existence of gods and the benefits of faith have managed to persuade me, feel free to PM me :)

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi FON.....Don't worry....I vacillate between belief and non-belief. I can't help it. I am scared to not believe and was brought up that way. I do wonder why so many of my prayers have not been answered. I have read several books about all of it..........whew, I Know it does sound abusive. I live in a lot of confusion but seem to need it. Very confused by it all, to be sure!!!!

 

[heidi]

There is a type of OCD that deals with obsessions. It's different then the type of OCD that deals with compulsions.
With this type of OCD the exact thoughts you don't want to think will enter your head.
I know religion tends to be a pretty big trigger for people with this type OCD
because there is so much stress on what you shouldn't think and guilt etc.
Anyway you may want to look into this. It's a very real thing. OCD.. obsessions.