I Feel Myself Slipping Away

[MouseWedger]

It's hard to write, I feel stupid for for feeling this way, I feel like I'm whining with nothing to complain about. The more I get off my chest the more I find that I'm beginning to slip down that slow slide into full blown depression.

My husband and I had a dinner party to go to last night, and on the way home I found myself thinking that it would be easy to undo my seat belt and open the car door. I don't know where this thought came from, or why it happened. I told my husband several months ago, when it seems like everything had been going wrong, that I was going to take a bath and hopefully drown in the tub, that then I would finally get the break I needed from all the crazy things going on. As soon as I said it, I was shocked. My husband looked at me unable to believe what I had said and tried not to cry.

I dont know where these thoughts are coming from, they come out of nowhere and as soon as they are fully formed I am ashamed that they happened. I have a good life. My fathers family, my inlaws, my husband. They all love me. They all care about me. I have fantastic friends, and the best snuggly pets in the world. My two dogs and my cat are my babies. The longer we wait, the more likely it is they will be the only babies I have.

I've come to realize my husband's drinking isn't going to change, and that I don't want to have children in a home where there this is a constant. My mother, one of my abusers, was a drunk. Is a drunk. I don't want my children around this when I bring them into the world. It feels like this means my husband and I will never have them. I hate that. All I want is to be a mom. To have a baby. To have my life consumed by something tiny, something that poops and cries and screams all the time. I want to be a better mom than mine ever was, and I don't feel like I can do that when my husband is drinking and beer is a strong trigger for me.

I want these feelings to go away and the more I try the stronger it seems like they get. I've tried to talk to my husband and when I do he always re-commits to being a non-drinker. It never lasts. It feels like his drinking is more important than me, and the things we said we wanted before we got married. I hate the way that thought makes me feel.

 

[ronin47]

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your husband. An alcoholic cannot stop drinking through willpower alone. It's not about you or how much you mean to him, it's about the fact that you husband can't stop drinking without help. Honestly if you told me he stopped drinking after doing nothing more than promising you he would, I'd be a little skeptical.

Again I say, it's not about you, and because it's not about you there's nothing you can do to change it. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Right now you are in a toxic enviornment that is fueling you depression. You need to remove yourself from that toxic space. Go stay with a relative for a little while. Don't even think about whether your marriage will last or not, don't worry about anything except getting away from this giant trigger you're living with. Once you've had a little time away, then you may start to think about where to go with your marriage.

Even without children, I can gaurantee you there are things in this world that can give you joy, even if it's just a little butterfly landing on the porch. I definately know what you mean when you say you are frustrated at yourself about feeling suicidal, but the feeling will not go away unless you remove yourself from that enviornment and/or get help. The worst thing you can do is isolate. Keep talking to us. You may private message me anytime you would like. I'm a good listener.

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[James B.]

The more I get off my chest the more I find that I'm beginning to slip down that slow slide into full blown depression.

I know this feeling well. Mouse, you are doing an awesome job here. You can always take a few days off and pace it if you feel the need. Over time, and I assure you this is true, it gets so much better. :)

 

[MouseWedger]

Again, I feel like I'm whining and just need to shut up. But I feel like a child and children whine sometimes. It's their prerogative, so I claim it as my own this morning. My husband and I talked this weekend about starting a family, and I talked to his mother about that in addition to his drinking. She feels if we start a family things will change on their own for him. She knows him well, as a good mother should, and I have thought the same thing for some time now. He says he is ready and has wanted for us to start trying for a while but has waited for me to be ready because I'm only twenty three while he is thirty two. So I think we'll start trying after my next doctors visit. Maybe starting now will be easier because we're moving in with his parents tomorrow, thanks due in part to his drinking we can't pay our rent. Maybe it'll be easier to have his mom, who I absolutely love like she were my own, so close and under the same roof Someone to talk to when he "slips", someone to ask those about awkward pregnancy things. I'm still upset about the move though. I haven't even started packing. Maintenance is supposed to be here this morning to start some work on our apartment for the next tenants, whenever they may be due to come in. I'm not ready to move. I love this apartment. It's my first real place, the first place I've lived in away from my family. I don't want to leave just because my husband can't handle money well. I feel like I've failed at handling the bills. Like I am the failure my mother always seemed to think I was. Hurricane Irene hit us yesterday after she was downgraded to a Tropical Storm. Part of me was hoping for the wind to turn into a tornado and hit my living room. Just a small part. Only so I would have no choice but to move. I don't want to. But I have to. I hate being forced to do things. I feel like laying on the floor, kicking and screaming. Hiding in some closest so my husband wont find me and make me leave tomorrow. I don't want to go.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((MouseWedger))))))

Anyone who says bringing a child into the mix will cause someone to heal their alcohol addiction is greatly misinformed or greatly co-dependent - or both.

I found hope, help, and healing through Al-Anon, which is for those struggling with someone's alcohol issues. It teaches us good self-care, how to give up the false idea that we can control it, cure it, or that we caused it.

Keep reading, sharing, and speaking gently with yourself. I'm so sorry to hear things are so difficult for you.

Sending you wishes for healing, comfort, and support...

 

[MouseWedger]

Bloom,
I don't think she feels it will "heal" his addiction (if indeed that's what it is, I am no doctor) but rather help him to see that he needs to change his habits. His father drank a lot, and when his mother became pregnant with my husband his father realized he was no longer a child who could do what he wanted with no regard to anyone else. I'm sure she feels the same will happen with my husband because he is the mirror image of his father. I must also note, my husband has been doing much better with his drinking over all. Yes, he does drink more often than I would like, but it has calmed down drastically over the past year and he is no longer a grump when he drinks.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I so agree with BloomInWinter. Go to Al-Anon.

I'm going to say something very blunt. It is what my psychologist told me. The environment that you grew up in, the abuse as a child, has led you to expect the same behaviour as an adult. That you are not worth better.

You are MouseWedger, you are worth better than this.

If that means, as Ronin47 says getting away from your husband then that is what you have to do because you are worth it. You are in a toxic environment now and all it will do is spiral you down deeper and deeper into depression. You think that being with an alcoholic husband is all you deserve because that is what you have grown up with. But you don't have to do that. You are worth more.

Having kids is very very very hard work, physically and emotionally. I could not imagine how hard it would be until I had my first child. You need all your strength and sounds like you are not in that place in this environment. You are very young, there is plenty of time for kids. Please don't repeat the cycle that you went through as a child. Think about what you went through. Do you want to risk your kids going through that?

Just get away for a while where you can think straight and join Al-Anon. There is better for you, but you have to realise that you are worth better, that it is possible to say, "no I don't want an alcoholic husband" and if your husband is not willing to do the really really hard work of going to AA and quitting, then it is time to move on and find a better father for those beautiful kids you will have.

If your husband has respect for you and loves you he will stop drinking before trying for kids. If he cannot do that for you, then he will not do it for his kids. He is already not doing it for his kids. Every day he drinks he is adding to his addiction, making it harder and harder for him to stop. And I would not like to think what state his sperm are in at the moment, due to the alcohol and that could make for a lot of problems with having kids. Plus the stress you are under, well pregnancies need to be stress free and it does not help with getting pregnant either.

You are supposed to be the most important thing in his life, not alcohol. Alcohol will always win with an alcoholic. Kids will not change that. Alcohol will always be number 1.

I hope you are not offended by me being so blunt. But I see you falling into the same pattern as I did. Accepting shit behaviour from a husband, just because you thought that is all you deserved.

You and your children deserve better than an alcoholic husband and there is a husband out there for you who will treat you and your children as no. 1 in their lives.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Mousewedger,

I am glad that you found the courage to post when you needed the support the most. Very good for you!

What you are describing in your first posting is clear suicidal ideation. That is not something that we have control over. The thoughts are triggered by something that is going on. Please watch carefully if the ideation takes on more concrete forms, such as plans.

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress at the moment. Is there any way that you can get away for a little while, even if it is just for a few hours to talk to someone? Do you have any friends who are available? Is calling a crisis line an option? Do you have a therapist where you could move an appointment up?

In the long-term I also support the idea of your joining Al-Anon. It has done wonders for friends of mine.

We are all thinking of you....

 

[Spero3]

MouseWedger,

I have suicidal ideations (thank you Nomad for giving them a name as I didn't know what they were called), too. They hit whenever I feel some depression or anxiety coming on. I try to acknowledge that I am feeling down and overwhelmed and just let the ideation play out in my head. Then, I remind myself of my kids and my partner and my friends and family and know I cannot go down that path. so, I think what you are experiencing is normal.

As for your desire to have children, I fully understand your fear given your husband's drinking. That is a difficult situation you are in, and I am sorry you are experiencing it. I understand why it would be causing you great distress.

Hugs,

Spero

 

[MouseWedger]

Lizio I am not offended by the feelings you expressed. I am frustrated though because it seems to be a common thread by many that I should leave him and this is not something I want to do. I promised him forever and it is something that I still stand by. I don't really have a lot of time left to have children. I have a lot of reproductive problems and my doctor has said I cannot make it like I am much longer. My last surgery was an emergency procedure because the cysts I regularly develop had reached life threatening sizes. My surgeon told my father and husband after surgery that if they had not forced me to stay and instead let me wait another four days until friday I would have been dead. As it stands I may not be able to conceive on my own, and if I do the chances of a successful pregnancy are much lower than normal. I find myself losing a battle I never knew I was fighting, or that I even wanted to win.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Mouse, I feel so many mixed emotions after reading your thread. I can understand you wanting to have a child. Hopefully without sounding like I'm lecturing you though, a baby would add so much more stress to an already stressful situation. Your husbands drinking has caused you to loose your apartment and babies are very expensive and that expense doesn't go away. I know you hope it will change your husbands drinking problem, but it may not. I was surprised that your mother inlaw would suggest that its a good time to have a child. Sounds like she wants a grand child as much as you want a child. It also sounds like you have some really down days as far as the thoughts of suicide go. I'm really concerned with that. It's hard to care for a baby the way you really want to care for a baby, when you have those thoughts. I don't have those thoughts, but there are days when I wish I could choose to not be mom for the day.

I'm also concerned about your health. You said the chance of having a sucessful pregnancy is lower than normal. If something happened to your baby during pregnancy, it would be know fault of yours but you would be devastated on top of everthing else.

I hope I didn't sound like I was lecturing. I just know how hard it is under mostly "normal" circumstances to raise children and try to provide for them more than what you feel you had as a child. Take care of yourself.

 

[MouseWedger]

I feel like I should have never opened my mouth. I appreciate everyones words of wisdom though. Thanks.