I feel like I am a really bad mum and wife, but my husband understands a bit more so it's my children I feel for.
I feel like I'm not a mum as I can barely cope, but my husband tells me that's rubbish. But I can't help it as it's how I feel and I hate it.
It is hard to feel a failure, even when you are not really a failure, you are beating the crap out of yourself.
I am quite experienced in beating the living crap out of myself, so you have my sympathy.
I don't know if this would work for you. But perhaps for each child, get an exercise book, scrapbook or you know the other ones etc, and note down a couple of things that they do or say that takes your fancy each day. What they said that was cute. What they said that was thoughtful and considerate. How they made you feel when they did something kind. How they did a chore so quickly and considerately. How they were witty. How they were intelligent.
Then each week read through the books with each child. That way you have a concrete way to know you are an okay mother, a normal mother - sometimes able to cope - sometimes not able to cope - but your love for them can be there for them and you to read. That way by noticing all the good things they are doing you are positively reinforcing their good and compassionate behaviours.
If you like you could draw a few pictures or write a poem or stick in a couple of photos from time to time. Cut out things from newspapers and magazines.
It will also be a gold mine of anecdotes for their 21sts as well (Yes we are modern women and multitask! LOL)
It is difficult to be gentle with ourselves.
You could also write another book that you don't show the children until they are 16 about what you would have liked to be able to do. The not doing isn't that important in some ways- particularly if you are real with them about the fact the not doing did happen and that you meant the best care and love for them, but you had limitations.
All parents have limitations. Children for centuries have coped with these limitations.
You are just a mother, in a modern day society, which makes parenting quite difficult, that from time to time struggles. Of course when you are struggling you forget all the times you did it well. That seems to be path of the course.
Life is not the Brady Bunch or a classic happy hollywood narrative ending. Life is living. Living is messy and a work in progress.
I suspect your husband is correct when he says rubbish. But that doesn't help you much with the way you feel.
So hopefully one day you will let yourself off the hook for not being a Mom of the (fictional) Brady Bunch or in a (fictional) movie with a classic narrative happy ending.
Until then just try to demonstrate best practice. If you can ease up on your self and model to your children that you aren't perfect (no one is) and yet you are willing to learn some kindness for yourself that will assist them in managing their own self esteems and being real about things.
And you could do a parenting course to get some more tips on mothering and parenting (as long as it is not with someone who is stuck on one 'right' way of parenting or is a guilt tripper (walk out in the even of this type of situation).)
Parenting skills workshops will hopefully give you some new ideas and strategies along with a bit of a boost of confidence that you are doing okay as well. And getting the low down that other parents without ptsd also feeling like they are not good enough or are a bad parent. I tell you some of my friends are such worrywarts! *sometimes I roll my eyes and pretend to choke myself when they start about it again and I make them laugh - because they know I am saying they are silly billies).
However, that being said (and my amusing antics aside ;D) part of being a good parent is to be concerned, to review the situation, to monitor your children, to be aware of their development, to see their emotions - and that is very helpful for the parent and the child, except when you start beating yourself up. (As I beat my self up I am casting no aspersions here.)
Capitalism and consumerism cases us each, as individuals, much damage - because nothing is every enough - we have to buy something more to keep up with the jonses and so forth.
Even parents without ptsd have days when they can do stuff with their kids and days they can't. That is good for the kids, because they learn that though they are loved, they don't get everything immediately. That is a good life skill to take with you in to the world.
Ignore all and anything that is not appropriate to your situation. Take the intent of compassion and kindness rather than the advice and so forth (which may not or may be helpful.)
And drawing, painting, running, walking, writing or somehow expressing the emotions can be helpful (wild rumour most likely! but you never know! ;D )
ms spock
