Well, I’ve been lurking around this forum for a few days trying to decide if it might help me. With what I have gone through it can’t hurt. So, here I go……
I was diagnosed with PTSD in January of this year while seeing a therapist for marriage counseling. It took her (the therapist) a few months to connect the dots but once she did it my world changed. The planets must have been aligned because by chance my wife and I were seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma. She kicked my wife out of the room and said to me, “Matt, it is my recommendation that you seek professional help with this. You need to commit to therapy and not just for a few sessions.” I thought hmmm, I can’t be all that messed up. Then she said, “When I say more than a few, I mean at least a couple of years of intense weekly sessions.” That was a hard pill to swallow.
Since my diagnosis I have been seeing my therapist for 10 months. As therapy started the flood gates opened. What started as one hour sessions soon became three to four hours at a crack. I can honestly say that if a year of therapy typically is one hour a week…..I’m at about year four already. At one point a few months into the therapy she told me that I was by far the worst case she has seen in her 30 year career. Oddly I take pride in that. She also informed me that in my case it should be renamed to Post Traumatic Stress Order. I am highly functioning and have evolved my symptoms in a unique way. I’m 33 now and my trauma occurred when I was 15. My PTSD has been in a state of evolution for more than half my life.
When I was 15 I got into trouble and my folks decided to send me to a Baptist boys boarding school half way across the country. I was there two and a half years until DCFS came in and shut the school down. There was sexual and physical abuse between the staff and students and also peer to peer abuse. The director of the school was the main perpetrator but he had created an environment where his sickness spread like cancer. I spent my time there emotionally shut off and I have yet to find the emotional on switch. At one point I was locked in a closet for two months as punishment and that was the most relaxing time I had there.
Anytime someone is able to somehow get close to me and I share just the tip of the iceburg it blows their mind. I normally tell them to go watch the movie “Sleepers” as that is the closest depiction of my experience. Heck, I was even in a student vs. staff football game eerily similar to the one in the movie.
All in all, I’m doing well. The odd thing is my symptoms are worse now more than ever. I assume that is a good thing. I just wish I could speed things up. I keep thinking why did I pick at this scab, the damn thing won’t stop bleeding now. My flashbacks are getting out of control and my notebook of triggers is getting full. What I find the most disturbing is that I enjoy it. I can feel again….my biggest issue is learning to process what I am feeling.
<Edited to correct forum style text by Amethist>
I was diagnosed with PTSD in January of this year while seeing a therapist for marriage counseling. It took her (the therapist) a few months to connect the dots but once she did it my world changed. The planets must have been aligned because by chance my wife and I were seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma. She kicked my wife out of the room and said to me, “Matt, it is my recommendation that you seek professional help with this. You need to commit to therapy and not just for a few sessions.” I thought hmmm, I can’t be all that messed up. Then she said, “When I say more than a few, I mean at least a couple of years of intense weekly sessions.” That was a hard pill to swallow.
Since my diagnosis I have been seeing my therapist for 10 months. As therapy started the flood gates opened. What started as one hour sessions soon became three to four hours at a crack. I can honestly say that if a year of therapy typically is one hour a week…..I’m at about year four already. At one point a few months into the therapy she told me that I was by far the worst case she has seen in her 30 year career. Oddly I take pride in that. She also informed me that in my case it should be renamed to Post Traumatic Stress Order. I am highly functioning and have evolved my symptoms in a unique way. I’m 33 now and my trauma occurred when I was 15. My PTSD has been in a state of evolution for more than half my life.
When I was 15 I got into trouble and my folks decided to send me to a Baptist boys boarding school half way across the country. I was there two and a half years until DCFS came in and shut the school down. There was sexual and physical abuse between the staff and students and also peer to peer abuse. The director of the school was the main perpetrator but he had created an environment where his sickness spread like cancer. I spent my time there emotionally shut off and I have yet to find the emotional on switch. At one point I was locked in a closet for two months as punishment and that was the most relaxing time I had there.
Anytime someone is able to somehow get close to me and I share just the tip of the iceburg it blows their mind. I normally tell them to go watch the movie “Sleepers” as that is the closest depiction of my experience. Heck, I was even in a student vs. staff football game eerily similar to the one in the movie.
All in all, I’m doing well. The odd thing is my symptoms are worse now more than ever. I assume that is a good thing. I just wish I could speed things up. I keep thinking why did I pick at this scab, the damn thing won’t stop bleeding now. My flashbacks are getting out of control and my notebook of triggers is getting full. What I find the most disturbing is that I enjoy it. I can feel again….my biggest issue is learning to process what I am feeling.
<Edited to correct forum style text by Amethist>
