General Supporter Rage?

[Toria]

I think I need help! I had a bit of a melt down last night and ended up shouting at Husband - I couldn't help it, it was as if a red mist had descended and I shouted, then I felt so awful that I spent most of the rest of the evening in floods of tears.

He works for himself and it started with him asking me if he needed to ring a customer or if I'd done it. We'd already had the conversation once, and it was gone 7 o'clock at night, so I thought he was talking about doing it the next day and so I just said "you need to" thinking that he'd do it in the morning.

I was just about to get in the bath when I hear his voice coming from the kitchen, taking to the man's wife about dates for work. I've already sorted all that - and told him so - so I called downstairs that the dates are in the diary and that he needs to talk to him about doing extra work. We spoke about it on Friday as he told me that the man's neighbour was going to supply some parts. He pays no attention to me and continues to book the same dates I've already arranged in to the diary. He gets off the phone and by this time the mist is starting to descend. I explained that I'd already arranged the dates and he looked at me blankly, so I explained that he needed to speak to the man to see if his neighbour was supplying the wooden mouldings. The next thing I know, he's back on the phone to the man's wife and saying "I apparently need to talk to him about some mouldings" and that was when I flipped...

I am incredibly ashamed of myself, but I was just so cross!!! If he didn't know what he was doing why did he not ask ? Why ring at that time of night anyway? Why not just leave his number with the lady and ask her to get her husband to call? Why make us look incompetent? I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces from anything like this - I'm now going to have to ring him and try to explain what he was trying to say.

Does anyone else get like this? I just feel this morning as if I've kept a lid on things for so long that it's blown off and I hope like mad that I can get it back on again. I really did not like who I became last night.

 

[IvyMillie]

Yes, please don't get upset with yourself. I've worked with my husband too and it's not easy at all! We have miscommunication alot. He tends to be pretty hard and demanding with me (although he doesn't think he is). He's nice to other workers though. I too have to fix things sometimes. So it is an extra stress.

I also keep things in and then I go bananas so that is normal. I think that when I do lose it my husband is completely baffled as I haven't shown my irritation till the point I blow up. However, sadly sometimes only if I blow up do things get resolved. However, like you, I don't like getting upset at all. It will take me a week to get over it.

The good thing about my husband is we can have a blow up and he won't even remember it a couple of days later. Men are less affected by outbursts like we are. So I'm sure it wasn't such a big deal with him.

I think working together is really really hard and we manage okay if we have different duties and such. When ovelapping and miscommunication happens we have our difficulties too. So please don't be too hard on yourself. I hope that you guys can fix the problem okay and that it will work out. You are very conscientous and I'm sure your customers really appreciate it. I find people are pretty good about mistakes when you just clear it up.

Take care and hope that you will feel better and get all your upsetedness out,

 

[Nicolette]

Sometimes, no matter how you try, PTSD can get to both of you.

Toria, based on what you outlined, it would be normal to get frustrated. Please know we can appreciate how you must feel and are here to listen. ((hugs))

 

[ISupportHer]

It's a fine line sometimes but I try not to say anything in anger. I try to not only pick ther battles but pick the time if I can, I know that there are times that, if I say a single word, it will be something I regret. Sometimes I wait for just a moment to respond, sometimes much longer. It's a hard thing because if I keep it bottled up inside, that's no good either.

KInd of goes back to the concept of "Take a deep breath"

Of course I am not always successful in this, LOL. I mean, if I look at some of my old rants sometimes and , wow!

ISH

 

[Daisygirl]

Just reading this helps me not feel like such a terrible person for getting angry at my husband! With that said, though, I really want to do better about finding a better way to cope. Having somewhere to go to see that I am not alone, I think, is a step in the right direction for me. So, thanks Toria!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Daisygirl,

Step 1 Lock self in bathroom

Step 2 Let out every swear word I know

Step 3 Cry for a bit

Step 4 Splash face with cold water

Step 5 Dry face, breath deep, roll shoulders and head on out to face the world

[inset/delete steps as required]

Pax

 

[Pale Warrior]

*sad truth alert*

I had bottled and bottled, calm veneer, implacable, incontrol... walked of the room instead of venting (pride cometh etc.)

Got as far as the bedroom and kicked the door.

Husband yells out wanting to know "what that noise was" so I walked back into the living room ...

"nothing, darling"

He looks up and says,

"well whats that red stuff comming out of your shoe"

Unfortunately, I under estimated the power of my own rage and my foot had gone through the door and I had lacerated the top of my foot (the bit that wasn't covered by my Doc Martin t-bar).

My shoe was full of blood and I was spurting like a geyzer.

"Oh, it's just a scratch"

[dials for ambulance with air of jaunty nonchalance]

 

[Eleanor]

PW - I hear you! I kicked the hood of the mustang that was leaning against the side of the garage once. I didn't dent the hood (that would be impossible as it is from 1968 and made of steel) but I did bruise the heck out of my foot in ways that I hadn't imagined possible. My Bean boot's rubber lowers probably saved me from broken toes. :whistling:

I try now to ROAR in the truck while driving. I have learned to warn the small girl to put her fingers in her ears - the first time I didn't and she cried because it was so loud "that hurt my ears!":(

Telling the difference between "stuffing and letting it build up" and "actually letting it go" is a daily struggle.

There is a funny story Pema Chodron tells about a guy working on patience... I'll see if I can find it....

 

[amethist]

Another good way to let them know you are hurt and angry.

Quietly close laptop down.

Calmly go upstairs and get changed out of leisure wear.

Come back down and put coat and shoes on and collect mobile, door keys and purse.

Calmly say "Sorry dear, you are not taking it out on me today".

Head out of the door, slamming it loudly behind you.

Oh the satisfaction of keeping a cool head then letting the door have it.

 

[Daisygirl]

Thank you Pale Warrior, Eleanor and amethist! I like you senses of humor in the face of frustration, anger and hurt. I try to do the same. My motto is that if I am not laughing I will be crying! haha Although, Pale Warrior, I hope that your foot is okay now! So far the worst I have done is bang on the file cabinet with my hand. It makes a lot of racket because it's metal, but I have managed to not injure myself. My husband always looks so mortified when I "lose it" that I just feel awful after. He always looks like he can't understand where my outburst is coming from, even though I have been communicating my feelings, needs, etc. for weeks without any action on his part.

I have already purchased the "PTSD Relationship" book that Anthony recommends, and looked through it last night. My husband says he is going to read it too. We shall see about that. I really hope so. He has a lot of good intentions that never get going into action.

 

[Eleanor]

I love slamming doors. Really. It is Oh So Satisfying. But now I have a five year old - and if I slam doors when angry... she will too. So ALAS - no more door slamming for me:(

 

[Pale Warrior]

Daisygirl, foot healed well but I have a fine scar to remind me to buy heavier boots (or thinner doors) ;)