ceedling52
New Here
I have just joined this forum and so far have only sent a few replies to others and posted once. I have not shared my story. I was at a workshop for work this week on Emotional IQ and it was torture at times to stay in the room, never mind stay present emotionally. We were asked to draw our life story, showing the paths we have chosen and why, people who have influenced us an how and goals we aimed for and those we want to make. Eegads, then we had to share that with our co-workers. Usually I lie at this type of exercise, who wants to hear my stuff. Well this time I told the truth. It was very difficult to do. Now no-one speaks to me. One co worker said I made everyone uncomfortable. I said, if you were uncomfortable hearing it, how do you think I feel having lived it???
I was a happy little girl:dummy-spi until age 5 when our house burned down and the family who lived in the front apt died and I survived. I actually heard adults say that it was a shame that those cute little children died, when those ugly stupid ones lived. We moved and my parents had to take in relatives and boarders to make ends meet. My uncle started sexually abusing me when I was 6, a boarder had a great time for 5 years, and a man who lived upstairs and offerd to babysit, (and later became a minister) had the nerve to get his jollies by having me give him hand-jobs under a blanket with my mother in the same room. He chatted with her while placing his hand over mine and ....
I finally ran left home at 17 and tried to start fresh. I went to a local college and I was gang raped by the entire football team. I dropped out of school and withdrew for years. I did not acknowledge how badly that had affected my life until about 18 months ago. I just told everyone what they expected to hear, I was too stupid to pass. (I went to university in my 30's and attained a perfect 4.0 GPA). I stumbled from one abusive relationship to the next, drinking, doing drugs, taking risks for the next 20 years. Because I never really trusted anyone, I had no real friends, just a serious of people who used me for whatever they could get, be it sex, drugs, or whatever.
I finally met a nice man and married when I was 35 and had a son. Two years later, he told me he never loved me but felt sorry for me and now he wanted to go back to his first wife. He did. I have been raising my son working in day care, which is minimum wage work. When he was 3 I was overwhelmed and made a very serious suicide attempt. It was only an accident that somene happened upon me and called an ambulance. I was unable to go into a full time program as I had no one to look after my son and would never, ever put him in foster care. So I went through the necessary motions, told the lies they wanted to hear (you get good at that when you have been lying about abuse your whole life) and got put into a day program. I joined an assertiveness training group that most people went to for 12 weeks. I was there for 2 years. That is how walked upon I felt.
I was fortunate to be appointed a fantastic psychologist who made me see that I had to give up on the idea of suicide as a solution because of my child. He saw me on a twice weekly basis for over two years and we dealt with such issues as self image and self esteem, assertiveness etc. but we never even touched on sexual abuse or its consequences. I was also physically beaten by my mother on a reguar basis for no reason that was connected to anything I did. I was convenient outlet for her frustrations. I have 4 siblings and have no connection with any of them.
Just when I was beginning to trust him, he moved to another province and left me in the hands of a quack psychiatrist who basically told me to "get over it" and to "find a husband to take care of me". Real helpful she was. That was 10 yrs ago and despite seeing four GPs since then, she is the only therapist that takes new referrals in this city. I even had the bad luck to work for her (she was too stupid to realize that I had been her patient). I needed the job, so put myself through a year of agony and abuse from her.
In the past year I have been having more and more frequent "flashbacks" during the day and night terrors where I am sure I am awake and being attacked but am really asleep. When I wake up, I am crying, in a sweat and totally exhausted. Everytime I try to go back to sleep , it starts all over again. I actually relive the rape over and over again with all the feelings that I was not able to feel at the time. Then I have to get up and be a good mom and go to work and be the perfect employee, when I am so exhausted I want to die. The only way I can get any sleep at all, is to smoke a joint. I hate that I have to do that, I get no pleasure from it, but I am able to stop the constant thoughts and sad feelings long enough to get some sleep. If I use the medication the psychiatrists give me I gain 50 lbs and have no feelings at all about anything and still cannot sleep. If I take a sleeping pill, I can't function at work.
I am now 54, my son is 18 and I am feeling so alone and hopeless. I am afraid that now that he is old enough to take care of himself, I will kill myself to get some relief. I still feel like that ugly, stupid, useless little girl that no one ever wanted.
So that is where I am at this point. I am hoping that someone can relate to this and offer something that will keep me going. Now it is just one foot inf ront of the other and I can't see why I bother. :crazy:
I was a happy little girl:dummy-spi until age 5 when our house burned down and the family who lived in the front apt died and I survived. I actually heard adults say that it was a shame that those cute little children died, when those ugly stupid ones lived. We moved and my parents had to take in relatives and boarders to make ends meet. My uncle started sexually abusing me when I was 6, a boarder had a great time for 5 years, and a man who lived upstairs and offerd to babysit, (and later became a minister) had the nerve to get his jollies by having me give him hand-jobs under a blanket with my mother in the same room. He chatted with her while placing his hand over mine and ....
I finally ran left home at 17 and tried to start fresh. I went to a local college and I was gang raped by the entire football team. I dropped out of school and withdrew for years. I did not acknowledge how badly that had affected my life until about 18 months ago. I just told everyone what they expected to hear, I was too stupid to pass. (I went to university in my 30's and attained a perfect 4.0 GPA). I stumbled from one abusive relationship to the next, drinking, doing drugs, taking risks for the next 20 years. Because I never really trusted anyone, I had no real friends, just a serious of people who used me for whatever they could get, be it sex, drugs, or whatever.
I finally met a nice man and married when I was 35 and had a son. Two years later, he told me he never loved me but felt sorry for me and now he wanted to go back to his first wife. He did. I have been raising my son working in day care, which is minimum wage work. When he was 3 I was overwhelmed and made a very serious suicide attempt. It was only an accident that somene happened upon me and called an ambulance. I was unable to go into a full time program as I had no one to look after my son and would never, ever put him in foster care. So I went through the necessary motions, told the lies they wanted to hear (you get good at that when you have been lying about abuse your whole life) and got put into a day program. I joined an assertiveness training group that most people went to for 12 weeks. I was there for 2 years. That is how walked upon I felt.
I was fortunate to be appointed a fantastic psychologist who made me see that I had to give up on the idea of suicide as a solution because of my child. He saw me on a twice weekly basis for over two years and we dealt with such issues as self image and self esteem, assertiveness etc. but we never even touched on sexual abuse or its consequences. I was also physically beaten by my mother on a reguar basis for no reason that was connected to anything I did. I was convenient outlet for her frustrations. I have 4 siblings and have no connection with any of them.
Just when I was beginning to trust him, he moved to another province and left me in the hands of a quack psychiatrist who basically told me to "get over it" and to "find a husband to take care of me". Real helpful she was. That was 10 yrs ago and despite seeing four GPs since then, she is the only therapist that takes new referrals in this city. I even had the bad luck to work for her (she was too stupid to realize that I had been her patient). I needed the job, so put myself through a year of agony and abuse from her.
In the past year I have been having more and more frequent "flashbacks" during the day and night terrors where I am sure I am awake and being attacked but am really asleep. When I wake up, I am crying, in a sweat and totally exhausted. Everytime I try to go back to sleep , it starts all over again. I actually relive the rape over and over again with all the feelings that I was not able to feel at the time. Then I have to get up and be a good mom and go to work and be the perfect employee, when I am so exhausted I want to die. The only way I can get any sleep at all, is to smoke a joint. I hate that I have to do that, I get no pleasure from it, but I am able to stop the constant thoughts and sad feelings long enough to get some sleep. If I use the medication the psychiatrists give me I gain 50 lbs and have no feelings at all about anything and still cannot sleep. If I take a sleeping pill, I can't function at work.
I am now 54, my son is 18 and I am feeling so alone and hopeless. I am afraid that now that he is old enough to take care of himself, I will kill myself to get some relief. I still feel like that ugly, stupid, useless little girl that no one ever wanted.
So that is where I am at this point. I am hoping that someone can relate to this and offer something that will keep me going. Now it is just one foot inf ront of the other and I can't see why I bother. :crazy: