Sufferer Newly Diagnosed, Confused, Worried And Alone.

[Smushroom]

Hi All,

I have only recently been 'diagnosed' with PTSD. I starting seeing a psychologist/trauma therapist a year ago now, and during one of my emotional outbursts 4 weeks ago, I asked her for my diagnoses. My Dr wouldn't tell me, she kept changing the subject when I asked. I knew i was depressed and anxious, but never had a 'diagnosis'. I don't know why it was so important for me to have a diagnosis, but I couldn't let it rest. When she told me I had PTSD, I nearly fell off my chair. That possibility had never crossed my mind, at all. I had spent the previous 3 years working with veterans with PTSD, so it never crossed my mind that was what i was experiencing. She went through the DSM Criteria with me and it felt like it was written just for me.

I am 22 and have been suffering severe depression since the original trauma, occuring repeatedly throughout my 10th and 11th year. I was sexually abused by a family member, almost every weekend for 2 years. Not only this, but he used objects to cut and mutilate me. I am not quite ready to go into much more detail, even writing that has caused the heart rate to go up and the shortness of breath...Over the course of the 2 years, 3 family members walked in while it was happening, walked out and said nothing. Then when it was brought to attention, it was pushed under the rug... I was quite fine and functioning well for many years. I was in a job for 3 years where i was constantly manipulated and bullied. I didn't stand up for myself, but kept plodding along. It was only when i changed jobs and landed the most perfect job, that I fell apart. I still question why i fell apart AFTER i left the bad environment.

Well, I'm here now.. I have spent the last 4 weeks reading anything and everything about PTSD and now feel a sort of peace, knowing I am not crazy doing or thinking the things i do, as others with PTSD think and feel the same way too.

No body at all knows what I am going through, except my Dr and Psychologist. I feel so alone..

Thanks for reading,

 

[wdkywomys]

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone! The first few months after I was diagnosed with PTSD I was in denial. I also worked with veterans. I worked with them for about 2 years. The thought never crossed my mind either. I think it's great that you're educating yourself about PTSD. You are not crazy! Do not think that at all. We may feel crazy but we have to deal and cope with PTSD so it may lead us to feeling that way. Don't feel like you have to talk about anything. I have yet to tell my whole story. The beauty of the internet is knowing no one knows who you are. I know it's still hard telling your story I still have a hard time. Only a few people know about everything. I hope you can find the support you need. I'm here if you need anything. Just PM me whenever you want.

 

[Smushroom]

Thank you for your warm welcome wdkywomys :) I havent hit the denial period yet, but i'm sure it's to come! I'm sure I will tell a bit more about my story as i find my feet here. Writing is my outlet, I love writing on my blog, my diary, songs, music etc. I can express myself better in words rather than speech, so I'm sure once I'm comfortable, I will share some more things. For now, I'll sit back, do some reading and discover more about other peoples journey with PTSD. Thank you once again!

 

[bitzer]

Knowing how liberating a diagnosis can be, I tend to share what I think is going on with my clients. Having said that, I've never got a diagnosis from a therapist (and, believe me, I've got baggage). There aren't that many good therapists out there it seems to me - most of them seem to be working for the "dark" side (they've become therapists in order to get better at screwing people over).
Always remember, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by trying to process with a narcissist.

 

[Smushroom]

I am very lucky bitzer, i seemed to have hit gold with my therapist. The first and only one i have seen since i fell apart last year and I truly believe she is very good. I have seen counsellors/social workers etc in the past and all of them have been what you described, 'working for the dark side' I even had one that, looking back now, was manipulating me and using scare tactics for me to tell her things. But the therapist i am seeing now, knows her stuff.

And you are right, it is liberating having a diagnosis. I just wanted some validation that I wasn't crazy...

 

[ericaboo]

I refused to believe it until several docs - without seeing my previous record - were like, oh you have PTSD, no doubt. I still feel weird and try to make sense of it all...

 

[bitzer]

... I just wanted some validation that I wasn't crazy...

You're not the crazy one; the people that hurt and mutilated you for their pleasure and the people that should have been looking out for you and didn't are the ones that are wrong in the head - you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by trying to process with people like that.

 

[Smushroom]

Very true bitzer, very true. I'm currently in the process of trying to break away. It's hard as they are my parents (only one knows what happened, and even then, I don't think they know what truly happened, I was simply told 'hugging' him was inappropriate and not a word was spoken about it again) I've just put in applications for properties, so hopefully will be out in the next month or so. And then I will never have to see them again! You may think that a bit harsh, but more to the story than that..

 

[bitzer]

...And then I will never have to see them again! You may think that a bit harsh, but more to the story than that..

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're protecting yourself. And when you think of what your parents modelled in terms of protecting yourself, I think that what you're doing is incredibly impressive. And I'm happy to listen if you want to share.

 

[Smushroom]

Thank you bitzer. It is about time I started protecting myself, as no one is going to do it for me.

Im just so over being treated like something stuck to the bottom of my fathers shoe. I am sick of him putting me down. He takes great joy in doing it in front of family and friends. He brings out the best of his tricks in front of them, and I truly believe that they believe HIM.

It is so hard to progress and help myself feel better when he is there showering me with negativity. And my mother isn't much better. I get into trouble because she is 'caught in the middle' I am 'punishing her' by moving out, because of my fathers attitude.

What she doesnt realise though, is I am more screwed up from what she did, or didn't do, than by what my father is doing. She knew. She did nothing. She stormed in while i was having a bath one night back when it all was happening and told me to 'stop hugging *him*' and if i wanted to 'hug' him, do it out of the bedroom.

She could not have been that naive could she? She could not honestly believe him when he told her we were just hugging?

I just want to come home from a 12 hour working day and not see anyone, not talk to anyone and not do anything. I want to come home, cook dinner without being put down or critisized, read a book, have a bath, meditate, do some yoga, whatever it is, and not have anyone laying their expectations on me. I want to be alone. I don't want friends, i dont want family or anyone to know what I am doing or care about me. I want to do this by myself...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to this healing place. No crazymaking or high drama allowed so it is pretty safe. No flame wars here. It is nice to meet you. I have been diagnosed since 1985. I know along time ago. I prbably always had ptsd from my childhood. Take care.

 

[Smushroom]

Thanks for the welcome gizmo, drama is something I definitely DON'T need. I was actually just reading your diary. We can do this :)