Does Your Family Know You Have Ptsd?

[Abstract]

She saw I was crying and gave me a big hug, but helping her feel better was the only priority for either of us after that.
When I was dying alone in a hospital bed I was never visited even by my parents.I found myself the most amazing, wonderful woman in the whole world, but the only thing I need from her I have to learn to live without. Really sucks :(

Confused, I know you story and I have to say this saddens me. I am sorry you have been alone all your life and find yourself alone again. I know she has told you she does not want to hear anything about your struggles.

I would say that you need to be very careful that you dont fall back into co dependent behaviour. It concerns me that you say you both are awakened in distress and you get a little comfort and then after that both of your priorities are her and her wellbeing. It may seem petty to put limits on what you can give her but in your situation I think you need to. Everything needs to be equal.

Really sad for everyone here that we have such poor support. :hug: to all that need them.

she said to me 'I just don't want any of it to be true'.

Springer, I am so sorry. :( I understand a lot of this.

 

[Springer80]

I don't always want to be the taker. I want to be the giver.

As a woman, I want my mate to be able to share all sides of his self. I end up wondering if he doesn't trust me enough.

I don't think most of us want to be the receiver anymore then we always want to be the giver. It's part of making a person whole.

I think the thing about families in this thread is how the problem is twisted back onto you 'THE TROUBLEMAKER!!!' I've ended up not being able to receive because I'm convinced that someone supporting me would be selfish. It like your sane but you've spent too long in the asylum and you can't remember were you left your marbles! And family aren't helping cos it's a lot easier for them if you think you in the wrong.

Now, where did I put them? Just call me Tootles! ;)

 

[confusedcaregiver]

It would be so great to turn to her when I am in need, but I will have to give her time to settle in before I even let a few drops out in her direction. I am so worried that she will opt to leave me if she feels the relationship is bringing in more stress than healing for her.

I am glad I could help you in some way, your replies definitely help. This community is all I have when it comes to processing my trauma. You do not overstep your bounds at all.

One thing though...

I end up wondering if he doesn't trust me enough.

I am sure he trusts you, but one thing I noticed as a caregiver is that our feelings often seem wrong for us to have. When he feels overwhelmed or has a personal need that conflicts with yours, he may feel guilty or selfish for having those needs when yours are so important. It may be why he seems unwilling to share. I taught myself to devalue my needs completely, especially if I felt they had any impact at all on the sufferer in my life.

 

[Springer80]

When he feels overwhelmed or has a personal need that conflicts with yours, he may feel guilty or selfish for having those needs when yours are so important. It may be why he seems unwilling to share. I taught myself to devalue my needs completely, especially if I felt they had any impact at all on the sufferer in my life.

Hi Confused,

That level of self sacrifice to provide even ground for your partner must take an awful lot of strength on your part. Do you think they are getting better over time? Can you see benefits from having taken this admirably selfless approach?

The thing is, if you make everything calm all the time its a bit of a false environment, they won't build strength from it and you'll be either like a pressure cooker or resent it or forget what your own feelings are like?

It very lovely that you love them so much and I'm sure they must know how lucky they are. You are worth your weight in gold, I'm sure you can tip the scales a little in your favour so you can have a bit of space for you too.

Be proud of yourself...:hug:

 

[confusedcaregiver]

I would say that you need to be very careful that you dont fall back into co dependent behaviour.

Yeah, this is a fear I am having, but I think I am doing alright in that regard even if the ice is not as thick as it should be. While I put aside my needs to help her, in the past I would have written my needs off completely and/or buried the emotions. While I put my processing on hold, I was able to still acknowledge my feelings and see this as a temporary pause, to be resumed asap.

I actually took the night/early tomorrow off (for the most part) so I can work on my healing and do a bit of self-care instead of helping my girlfriend with her chores. I am trying to get a bit more balance in my life in terms of how I spend my energy, but I feel like I can still have a good relationship even if it isn't 50/50. Even 90/10 is technically doable, as long as the 90% I put into it does not prevent my own growth. Just obviously wouldn't complain if I can get support and not just give it.

 

[confusedcaregiver]

Do you think they are getting better over time? Can you see benefits from having taken this admirably selfless approach?

I actually learned (very recently) I was in a negative codependency situation. It did not do her any good in the long run for me to have sacrificed to severely, even if it saved stress and pain by doing it. Without stretching those muscles, she could hardly be expected to get any exercise.

I actually didn't even know I had any trauma in my past when I was helping her with her diagnosis, though I found it uncanny how much we thought alike (without seeing why). As part of a childhood coping mechanism I had shut out my feelings and memories entirely, and it made it super easy to wind up codependent.

Now I am a lot more alert on that, and only partially from the hyper-vigilance my uncovered trauma is setting in lol.

 

[Springer80]

I found it uncanny how much we thought alike (without seeing why).

It's quite a trip when these layers start coming off and you catch sight of yourself with a new depth.

When I was engaged I thought I was whooping everything's behind being super efficient and not letting anything get to me. Actually I was a chaotic mess that was fighting ten versions of my own shadow but I couldn't see it. Looking back now I wonder how on earth he put up with all that when I couldn't see it and wouldn't be told. We split up in the end, I needed too much from him as a 'healer' and also he was pretty immature and out of his depth. Things are never black and white are they but I do wonder how it must have been for him. I felt awfully let down by him for a long time and blamed him for not being able to do what I felt was the simplest thing, provide comfort. I think I expected him to be able to be 'big' enough to hold me and contain all that pain I felt. That's a lot to live up to.

 

[Abstract]

but I feel like I can still have a good relationship even if it isn't 50/50. Even 90/10 is technically doable, as long as the 90% I put into it does not prevent my own growth. Just obviously wouldn't complain if I can get support and not just give it.

I think you seem to definitely have taken some important steps so well done. These long term behaviours are hard to break. Co dependent is not good for any concerned. There are still a few red flags I think so be careful. I am not saying the relationship cant work but I do not think 90/10 is Ok in your situation where you are both traumatised. There are bigger issues at play than just what you feel you can manage.

I promise I shant nag ;) but I really think you need support from a therapist whilst you negotiate this.

he may feel guilty or selfish for having those needs when yours are so important.

I dont think these feelings necessarily come with being a caregiver and rather think they can be about how we are used to seeing ourselves in relationships. Just with the volume turned up all the way.

Selfless is such a telling word isnt it. I have been there in certain situations so do understand. To not have a self is never a good things and to all concerned.

Hope I am not being annoying. :D

 

[Abstract]

I think the thing about families in this thread is how the problem is twisted back onto you 'THE TROUBLEMAKER!!

Just had this thought: That if our families were able to hear us and support us we probably would have much less chance of needing to be here on this site in the first place. :rolleyes:

 

[Springer80]

Hope I am not being annoying. :D

No, Abstract I don't think so, at least your not annoying me! :giggle: Not yet anyway!!:woot:

X

 

[confusedcaregiver]

You are definitely not being annoying!

I wish my girlfriend's therapist had just called me... normally I hate doctors sooo much. He seemed to genuinely understand and empathize, not just sit back and analyze (or try to help while looking down at me). The couples workshops we have with him were always very repairative and he earned my trust, but I left him messages twice and he never got back to me. I tried to not get too discouraged but when some flashes of what might be ...sexual abuse... surfaced during a session and it deeply disturbed/upset me, I slipped him my business card and on it I had written "PLEASE CALL! HELP!!!!" I was so desperate for help I had nowhere to go.

That was a week ago or so and he still never got back to me. It was in that crisis I actually found this forum the first time, though I did not gain the courage to post for a few days.

I just can't trust him anymore. And I don't trust doctors normally, so did not do wonders for my confidence in seeking out one.

 

[Springer80]

That if our families were able to hear us and support us we probably would have much less chance of needing to be hear on this site in the first place. :rolleyes:

Almost certainly. I don't think it's necessarily the trauma that causes ptsd but how its handled. Have you watched the documentaries Katie Piper made. Amazing girl but she was strong before all of her struggles because of her family and no doubt she got through it as amazingly as she did because of them too.