The Dreaded "what's Wrong?" Question

[timid_flower]

Today has been a bad day for me. I honestly wanted to stay home, but since starting this Friday I'll be off from work for 12days, I figured I had to work today. It took a great amount of effort just to get up and get ready. I sat in my car outside of the building for about 10minutes trying to mentally prepape myself to walk in.

Thankfully, once there I have my own office and can almost avoid everyone all day. I did however, have a new coworker come to my office with a question. We had a short work related conversation and then she asked if I was ok. She said I looked ill.

Hmm, I guess my ability to fake wellness is not as good as it used to be. Anyway, I just replied I'm ok, thanks for asking. Fast forward 2 hours and she comes in again specifically to if I'm sick or upset. I simply replied I'm not feeling well today.

Then came the dreaded "what's wrong?" question. I never know how to answer. It took a moment to try to figure out a response. I finally said I wasn't quite sure, I just wasn't feeling well. Of course I know what is wrong with me, but I don't really want to share it with someone I don't know very well. I don't even like sharing that much with the people I do know. I appreciate the concern, but I already said I don't feel well. I don't want to disclose more information. I don't want to be rude or mean either.

She stood there a few minutes just looking at me. I know she could tell I was holding back, but I wasn't going to say more. She finally said "well, I could see it in your eyes something is wrong" and changed the subject. Thankfully it was lunch time, I was able to quickly get out of there.

My queston is, how do you respond in those situations? I've come accross people who consider vague answers as a sign of trouble and they must get to the bottom of it.

I hope all that made sense, not a lot of mental clarity today :)

 

[Aribear]

I am so sorry you are having a bad day... having to work through those is the worst. I wish I could say I have a brilliant way of handling this... but I don't. I just "I'm just tired" and if they ask if I'm sure I try to muster a smile and say "yes (then insert some reason I got to bed late or didn't sleep well)." There are plenty of reasons with the holidays coming.

 

[piratelady]

I respond one of two ways. If someone asks what's wrong, sometimes I will be blunt and says, "I'd rather not say, but thank you for the concern". Other times if I don't look well, I just say that I'm tired.

 

[Innordinate]

You could lie and say something like 'it's probably just a cold'

or you could be honest and tell them it's a personal matter and not one you wish to discuss.

I hate when people ask what's wrong. Especially people I hardly know. Drives me insane. People ask, but I don't think they want to know anything more past, 'yeah I'm not feeling too good'. Simple everyday normal answers. I think they just want to feel like they're useful and friendly and to be thanked for asking. For me, it doesn't come across useful or friendly, it comes across as nosy and intruding.

 

[Ricanoland]

I know this is going to sound horrible, but sometimes I lie, and make up something. I don't know how many times I have answered that question with "death in the family" or something along those lines because I would rather them not know anything about me, but also give me space with a reasonable reason to do so.

Granted some people will poke further, sometimes you have to blunt and say, "I'd rather not talk about it, but thank you for you're consider, really it's sweet, but I got this" >insert fake smile here<

I understand this isn't much help, but know you are not alone and this is just an awkward reality to did with when it comes to PTSD. Thanks for posting this though, it made me feel a little better knowing I am not alone when it comes to this.

Rica

 

[Venusian]

I had a question similar to this a few months ago. I work in the downtown area where parking is at a premium but the company I work for owns and manages a parkade so we automatically get free parking. One of my triggers is being in an enclosed parkade, I have avoided them for 40 years unless I was with someone else and even then it would be the last option. After 2 months I was having anxiety attacks by the time I reached my office. I spoke to my boss and I moved to an empty surface parking space that was available right next door. The other people in the office asked why? Everyone else wanted the underground heated parking (I live on the Canadian prairies). I just told them it was a long story. They all quit asking.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think through time you can get an idea of how much information you should divulge to someone. From my experience, even if certain people seem like they would empathize with what you say, some will be deceptive and shun themselves away after the conversation. I opened myself up to one of my older friends and I don't think he was prepared for it. Sometimes, people are afraid of the unknown or what is out of the ordinary. With issues regarding PTSD, I think it's wise to be cautious about who you open up to and how much you wish to open up. I don't think it's selfish. I think certain people have more levels of superficiality than others. Being able to get a sense of this can be a challenge, but i think it's normal.

 

[Hashi]

I don't know if there might be a cultural aspect to this. I've said at work that I wasn't feeling well, and my colleagues would do no more than express sympathy and say something like "Go home if you need to, we can cover" and leave it at that offer.

I don't know if that's because I'm British or because of the culture where I work. My reason for saying it is that I knew that what I was saying was enough for no-one to ask me anything further. It would have been considered too intrusive. If it's possible that people in your environment might be more direct, then I suppose you need to prepare something quite direct to say yourself. If they might persist or follow up, then I think you need to have something stronger to say initially to avoid that.

I have nothing against telling a white lie to get around the situation, except that it might possibly open up the conversation rather than shutting it down. They might start expressing concern and suggestions, and you might need to keep track of what you tell people.

I'd suggest something final and clear, like piratelady suggests. You might also reassure them that you'll be OK. Do you think you could say something like, "I'm not feeling great today, but I'll be all right. I'd rather not go into it. Thank you for asking, though."

 

[timid_flower]

Thanks for posting this though, it made me feel a little better knowing I am not alone when it comes to this.

I too feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone. Thanks for the response, made me giggle for some reason :)

With issues regarding PTSD, I think it's wise to be cautious about who you open up to and how much you wish to open up.

Very true, I unfortunately learned that lesson the hard way.

I knew that what I was saying was enough for no-one to ask me anything further. It would have been considered too intrusive.

I wish that was the case at my work place. I work at a very small company where everyone wants to know and discuss every detail of everyone's personal life. Without trying I know more about my coworkers than I'd like to. I actually think they dislike how private I am, but I don't really trust anyone there.

 

[timid_flower]

I am so sorry you are having a bad day

Thank you :)

 

[timid_flower]

Unfortunately the day didn't get better. I was anxious and had a hard time concentrating. At least the questions stopped after lunch. I know people were wondering and asking each other if I was ok, but they left me alone all afternoon. Which I very much appreciated.

Speaking of concentration. Even my posts on here are taking longer than usual. I find myself starting a post then having to walk away and come back to it several times before I actually post anything. If only I could just go to sleep.

Oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
You certainly aren't alone with concentration issues!

I agree with what the others have said here. I will also say that I think someone repeatedly asking like that would make most of us feel like it is a boundary violation. And essentially it is I think.

I also agree that certain workplaces can have sub cultures that normalise behaviour like this. And that certain cultures do too. What helps a lot in my opinion is to not feel conflicted or self doubting about if you should be saying more. Because then people pick up the mixed signals.

Its about putting a boundary up for yourself in a non apologetic way. I think looking sure alone can help put peoples minds at rest a little. If you don't want to appear to be laying down a strong boundary then I think lying is perfectly fine in this context (I am telling myself this too:oops:) ! I feel guilty too but have lied at times when my behaviour is not going to be explained away easily ad when it just feels and is too personal for others to know more.

Remember that you don't owe anyone any information. Not unless it is someone in charge of you and in response to something serious regarding your work.

I hope you feel better soon.