BitterSweetSouth
New Here
Hi all. I was glad to find this forum. I was diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago in the midst of an abusive relationship. I'm 33 and the eldest of four sisters. We were all abused by an alcoholic stepdad (physically, sexually and verbally) My mom is emotionally abusive, neglectful, manipulative...and I believe now that she has borderline personality disorder and my middle sister seems to have all the traits as well. I have gone no contact with both my middle sister and my mom as of this past Thanksgiving. So this is the first time in my life that I have been totally abuse free.
For years I blamed my step dad for all the abuse. My mom left my dad when I was 8 and ended up with an alcoholic who was abusive (physically, sexually, verbally) to my sisters and I. I blamed my stepdad for ALL the abuse for years.. It was the easy thing to do as I loved my mom and was conditioned to protect her by her and my sisters. I left the abuse before my sisters did. My step dad almost killed me one night while choking me in a fit of rage, which by the way, I totally dissasociated during this attack...I do not remember hsi face or what I felt...in my head the way I see the whole thing is from the doorway...as if I was floating above my stepdad as he choked me. After my stepdad's rage episode, me mom and I decided it would be better for me to live with my dad. Once I did my mom stopped taking my phone calls, they completely shunned me...they would send me pictures of their "happy family" without me, it was a really hard thing to handle at the age of 14 as I truly believed I was a bad child and caused all their problems. One year after living back with my dad I told him about the abuse and cruelty of my stepdad. He got custody of my sisters and my mom finally divorced my stepdad at the urging of my dad's side of the family. She moved pretty far from us and I believe she never stopped loving my cruel stepdad and somewhat blames me for the ruin of that marriage.
I've been going to therapy and found a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma...and just trauma in general. I was also in two back to back abusive relationships after surviving my horrible childhood. I'm finally in a good place...a good enough place to get the awful people in my family away from me. I guess I can finally get to my point now. i've been experiencing what I would call panic attacks since I moved away from my mom back when I was 14. They get worse when I'm in an abusive relationship or around anyone that displays abusive behavior. Since my mom and sister started shunning me it's triggerred me and triggered my PTSD and I started having these attacks more often. The attacks never happen when I'm at home, it's when I'm at work, or driving, or any place where I don't feel fully "safe". It's like I lose time...I will be sitting not really thinking of anything in particular and then things get kinda blurry and I feel as though I will float away..then I startle myself and have to grab onto something and bring myself back to the present. Sometimes I forget conversations because I'm doing this in a convo...sometimes I do it when I'm talking and I will forget what I'm about to say and it makes me start to panic. It's like I'm not there for a few seconds. :/
I described these attacks to my counselor and she told me what I'm doing is called "dissassociation"...she said it's a scary thing when it happens and it can cause a panic attack. it was really validating for me to have a name for my "attacks"...I've been scared to tell anyone about them for fear that I would be labeled as crazy. I started crying when she said what it was and then I started having an attack right there in her office! Everything went blurry and it was like I was in a tunnel and couldn't really hear her real well...like I wasn't really there all the way. She told me to breathe, heavy breathing in my stomach and I did and it passed. She gave me a stone...she said when you feel like you are dissasociating you can clutch this and remind yourself that you are in the present. But she said I could use anything that's familiar to me to hold on to that will bring me back to the present.
In fact I cannot remember MOST of my childhood...only from the age about 15 when I moved back in with my dad. I do not remember much of living with my mom and stepdad so there is no telling how much we were all truly abused as my memories are just...gone.
That last therapy session was just such an "aha" moment for me. So very validating.
It made me feel so much better as I have talked to people that have actual panic attacks and they didn't sound like what I had so I would just nod my head and say yeah that's kinda like what I have too....but it wasn't.
Now that I know what these are I haven't had as much of them in the past two days. Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone grow up similar to the way I did. Anyway, I'm glad I found this place.
For years I blamed my step dad for all the abuse. My mom left my dad when I was 8 and ended up with an alcoholic who was abusive (physically, sexually, verbally) to my sisters and I. I blamed my stepdad for ALL the abuse for years.. It was the easy thing to do as I loved my mom and was conditioned to protect her by her and my sisters. I left the abuse before my sisters did. My step dad almost killed me one night while choking me in a fit of rage, which by the way, I totally dissasociated during this attack...I do not remember hsi face or what I felt...in my head the way I see the whole thing is from the doorway...as if I was floating above my stepdad as he choked me. After my stepdad's rage episode, me mom and I decided it would be better for me to live with my dad. Once I did my mom stopped taking my phone calls, they completely shunned me...they would send me pictures of their "happy family" without me, it was a really hard thing to handle at the age of 14 as I truly believed I was a bad child and caused all their problems. One year after living back with my dad I told him about the abuse and cruelty of my stepdad. He got custody of my sisters and my mom finally divorced my stepdad at the urging of my dad's side of the family. She moved pretty far from us and I believe she never stopped loving my cruel stepdad and somewhat blames me for the ruin of that marriage.
I've been going to therapy and found a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma...and just trauma in general. I was also in two back to back abusive relationships after surviving my horrible childhood. I'm finally in a good place...a good enough place to get the awful people in my family away from me. I guess I can finally get to my point now. i've been experiencing what I would call panic attacks since I moved away from my mom back when I was 14. They get worse when I'm in an abusive relationship or around anyone that displays abusive behavior. Since my mom and sister started shunning me it's triggerred me and triggered my PTSD and I started having these attacks more often. The attacks never happen when I'm at home, it's when I'm at work, or driving, or any place where I don't feel fully "safe". It's like I lose time...I will be sitting not really thinking of anything in particular and then things get kinda blurry and I feel as though I will float away..then I startle myself and have to grab onto something and bring myself back to the present. Sometimes I forget conversations because I'm doing this in a convo...sometimes I do it when I'm talking and I will forget what I'm about to say and it makes me start to panic. It's like I'm not there for a few seconds. :/
I described these attacks to my counselor and she told me what I'm doing is called "dissassociation"...she said it's a scary thing when it happens and it can cause a panic attack. it was really validating for me to have a name for my "attacks"...I've been scared to tell anyone about them for fear that I would be labeled as crazy. I started crying when she said what it was and then I started having an attack right there in her office! Everything went blurry and it was like I was in a tunnel and couldn't really hear her real well...like I wasn't really there all the way. She told me to breathe, heavy breathing in my stomach and I did and it passed. She gave me a stone...she said when you feel like you are dissasociating you can clutch this and remind yourself that you are in the present. But she said I could use anything that's familiar to me to hold on to that will bring me back to the present.
In fact I cannot remember MOST of my childhood...only from the age about 15 when I moved back in with my dad. I do not remember much of living with my mom and stepdad so there is no telling how much we were all truly abused as my memories are just...gone.
That last therapy session was just such an "aha" moment for me. So very validating.
It made me feel so much better as I have talked to people that have actual panic attacks and they didn't sound like what I had so I would just nod my head and say yeah that's kinda like what I have too....but it wasn't.
Now that I know what these are I haven't had as much of them in the past two days. Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone grow up similar to the way I did. Anyway, I'm glad I found this place.
