Fear Of People, Always Alone...

[xena21]

I wonder if other people are afraid like me of the world/people on a daily basis? I mean I have never had a relationship with anyone (I'm 40). My dream like most young kids was to have a family like you see on tv. I wanted to find someone who would be my partner in life...a protector of sorts that loved me...you know, all that stuff that goes along with dating, marriage, etc. But I've never really even kissed a guy. The only sexual activity I've had was as a child.

After the age of 11 I've never had sex as an adult. Actually I can't look in the mirror, and find it hard to shower or look at my body. I suppose that would make it hard to be close to others if I can't even be close to myself. I hate myself. Every part of myself. I hate the world as well. I thought that joining team sports, going in the military and law enforcement would make me join the world and participate, but it just kept things at arms length. It didn't make me close to people like I thought it would. Now I've lost my job (well, been put on disability or early retirement), tried to kill myself 5 times and live alone going out only to see a therapist and walk my dog. Everything about the dishonesty and evilness of people has flooded me and I stay in my house as much as possible.

So much for wanting to one day have a family. I shiver when people are around me. How do people get rid of that fear of everyone else? How do people that have never even touched someone else intimately think of doing it when they can't look at themselves?

 

[MomOfTwo]

You are not alone. For many of us that are in relationships many of us are not really present if you know what I mean. I have gone through life being the best student, best employee and best friend but never the best friend to myself. There can be extreme loneliness within people that are surrounded by people. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror and I have issues with intimacy as well as many here do too.

Here you will find people that can relate to your story. Here you will find others that you relate to. Here you will find compassion and friendship.

What happened to you was so wrong and I am so sorry. I am glad you see a therapist and have a dog for a companion. Fur babies can make the best friends. I have 3 friends that could not have children and they all have fur-babies. They are very blessed dogs to have the moms they have.

Wishing you well on your journey of healing. Welcome to the group.

 

[saffy]

HI

I used to feel the same as you. Being 46 and never having a meaningful relationship and being anxious around people has been part of my life. So far :)

Reading your story pulls my heart. I hated looking in the mirror, did not trust anyone or could not connect.

I have realised that for me the problems stemmed from my upbringing, being made to feel worthless, unloved and rejected. I was bullied into thinking I had no rights as a person. My needs were always put to the side.

I think it got worse when I reached pubity, I was so confused about things and even though was surrounded by abusers but actually saw the world as good and that it was me that was bad and deserved it. That is what I was taught.

I can beleive at 11 you are going through body changes, hormonal changes and thought process changes, you were very vulnerable at that time and now see yourself as that little lost girl.

For me, I had to learn about my own needs, that I did have rights and to learn how to assert my boundaries. I had to force myself to look at myself as a worthy person not this ugly thing that only deserved to be abused, I hated myself. I have to learn how to love myself and know that I have the right to acknowledge my feelings and be ok with them.

I feel your pain.

There is a lot on here for encouraging assertiveness and setting boundaries. A lot about understanding that you do have a right to not be hurt or abused. Including abusing and hurting yourself.;)

It has been a long journey and for me I am coming out the other side and learning to value myself. You will too. Do not give up as you have your dreams to work towards, which gives you hope, never give up :)

I hope you find this site and the people on it helpful and supportive as I have.

There are threads about needs, boundaries, assertiveness, having rights and a host of other stuff that will help you. Read what the others say, YOu are not alone with this.

You have come in the right direction :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

How do people get rid of that fear of everyone else?

The only loving family I had when a small child were animals. I was a feral child living in a country where supposedly that never happens. Humans scared me to death. In fact, still to this day, and I am 67 years old, I fear most humans. Humans are the only species that intentionally inflict damage on others. There is not only physical abuse, but emotional and mental abuse as well.

I'd rather live alone than in a bad relationship. I am much happier to be around animals than around people. I need people, but I can't be around them for long periods of time. Most of the time I'm a very laid back sort of person. I get along with everyone. But when my ptsd gets triggered, I go back in time to when I didn't know how to speak out loud in a language humans could understand. I spoke the animals language of sounds and pitch. I go back to being in a fetal position until I can ground and go back to being an adult.

For me, I had many therapists, etc. But only a couple that were good. The good ones taught me how to ground myself quickly. They taught me how to be around other people in a way that didn't scare me. They taught me what to look for and what all my triggers are. Once I knew those things, I was able to be in a relationship that was good and wholesome. But then another trauma hit, and now, I'd rather just be alone again.Who knows, if I wasn't so old, and have so many physical issues, I might even date again. But that is not going to happen.

Thank you for asking that question. I hope I helped in some way.

 

[xena21]

I can relate to all your posts in some way... I appreciate the replies. It just gets so hard to not feel like a freak when I look at the world around me. Then the anger and rage comes in and I hole up deeper in my house.

I have realised that for me the problems stemmed from my upbringing, being made to feel worthless, unloved and rejected. I was bullied into thinking I had no rights as a person. My needs were always put to the side.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It definitely makes the rest of your life a mess. I had to live with a similar upbringing, not feeling safe, never feeling heard, bullied.

My Mom had me as a single teen, from a quite dysfunctional family. We moved from place to place with whoever would give her a place to live, with me of course as an added bonus for them. She tried her best, but things were hard. She was gone a lot and I was watched by a lot of horrible people. Needless to say I was abused from the time I was a baby until I was about 11. The only time I EVER felt safe was with my Mom. That is still true to this day. Weird huh? Particularly because I made a point of joining major organizations when I grew up that promote self-defense and confident, powerful people. It just didn't change me enough, and faking my way through by playing these roles became too hard.

The only loving family I had when a small child were animals.

I also understand the animal connection well! Animals don't hurt you like people do. I was around cats when I was a kid, and that's who I talked to. That's who I told everything to also. Now I have a dog and a cat. They are so non-judgemental and loving. They don't leave or abandon you.

I do hope I can figure some stuff out from this sight, and maybe do something for someone eventually.

 

[saffy]

My Mom had me as a single teen, from a quite dysfunctional family

Your mum sounds like she is a saint and did her best for you in harsh circumstances. The abusers not only let you down they let her down too, I bet she feels guilty about that. I am glad you found safety in your mum.

The mistrust you have for people is hard to combat and cannot be done with self defense in the physical side, although I think that would help if a situation arises. It is recognising it before it arises though that can be the trouble. Trusting people not to be horrible in the first place, so you never have to use your self defence. Hope that makes sense.

For me my mother was a selfish manipulative and cold person. I was an only child and she had any support she needs, was married to my father, huh he turned out to be less than paternal too, had a lovely house, supportive parents and the extended family was far from dysfunctional.

My father left when I was two and she stopped contact because apparently I was a pain in the arse for her when he returned me after contact. No, what it was it that he treated me properly and I wanted to be with him rather than her. But her selfishness and bitterness stopped all of that.

She was not alone though as she was already bedding his 'best friend' who was supposed to be helping while my father was away, not sleeping with her. He ended up my step father who also took it out on me because she would not give him his own child, again through selfishness.

They wanted their own little bubble and I was definitely in the way of that. I was rejected by his family because I was not his, rejected by fathers family because of her actions and not allowed to get close to my mothers side because she was a selfish bitch.

There fore I basically felt alone, abandoned and had no one to turn to. Drugs helped in the end. Or at least it blocked it all out. And grew up with abusive peers, at least I realise they were abusive now :)

I found the only things that accepted me were animals and I love to be surrounded by them. It is the unconditional relationship I love.


I had a very warped view of people, have no trust for them either. My self esteem was at rock bottom and although I could fight my way out of things now, I realised this was because It was easier to push them away and attack before being attacked. I was/am quite naive too, having no guidance, support or protection.

I hated living like this so had to learn to work things out so that I could cope with people in a maturer and assertive way based on my needs, rights and boundaries not by violence.

Sorry I am rambling on now and hijacking the post.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[piratelady]

Sorry I am rambling on now and hijacking the post, soz .

Saffy, what is "soz"?

 

[saffy]

It means sorry, I must get used to not slipping these in, the Moderators will be on my back again. I will delete it if I can. :)

Genuine mistake. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

I found the only things that accepted me were animals and I love to be surrounded by them. It is the unconditional relationship I love.

I can so relate to this. I really do wish where I live allowed animals. I think I'm well enough now that I could take care of one.

I'm glad you worked out how to take care of yourself. We do tend to do that when we have no humans, don't we.

safenow

 

[saffy]

I'm glad you worked out how to take care of yourself. We do tend to do that when we have no humans, don't we.

Hi safenow

Sorry to hear about the animal restrictions. Animals are such good therapy :)

I wonder if you could do any voluntary work with them? Rescue kennels? Just a thought. :)

I did some for Riding for the disabled. I got to be with horses and got to help others at the same time. Not sure of your position though?

I would say I still have a long way to go with regards to taking care of myself. I can fight, I can find food, water and warmth. But as for other humans on a daily basis, still not quite there.;)

But hey, I don't know anyone who doesn't feel certain anxiety, fear and mistrust about things. I think these are normal emotions.

It is learning when to apply them rather than just having them with you all the time in huge amounts is the trick, at least for me.

I think my journey is about self discovery so that I am not so naive to the world, so I can see things more maturely and make quicker decisions based on my needs and boundaries rather than another persons. If you see what I mean. Hard to explain I think.

Best wishes Safenow :hug:

Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

I wonder if you could do any voluntary work with them? Rescue kennels? Just a thought. :)

That is a wonderful thought, and I wish I could. I have always had animals in my home til now.

I got to be with horses and got to help others at the same time. Not sure of your position though?

I'm sorry to say, physically I'm not able to get out and do things like that. At least I haven't been able to do things like you suggested since the year 2000. If I live, I will probably work on getting a service dog. I'm getting strong enough now to be able to take care of an animal. I haven't been since this illness took my body.

I had a cat for about 8 years before I got sick this time. When she started hunting and bringing me food while I laid on the floor and couldn't get up, I realized she needed a home where someone could take care of her again. That was about 2002. It was like putting my child up for adoption. A very hard thing to do, but for the best of the child.

I hope that makes sense to you.

 

[xena21]

Safenow- I'm sorry you aren't able to have animals right now. I hope you will be able to some day soon.

Animals are my only resource and way of verbal communication on a daily basis...which is bad I know. I talk to my dog and cat, but without restrictions of feeling scared of repercussions. Most of my other communication is through the computer or text. It is distant, and I can defend myself.

I had a very warped view of people, have no trust for them either. My self esteem was at rock bottom and although I could fight my way out of things now, I realised this was because It was easier to push them away and attack before being attacked.

Saffy- It sounds like you had a horrible upbringing. I can't imagine the pain of having a Mother do that, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it. I can relate to the warped "view of people", having no trust in them. I suppose that's why I don't leave my house often. Though as you suggested to safenow, I did try Equine volunteering for a while, but I was so stressed being around the people (not the horses) I stopped. If I could have just hung out with the horses it would have worked. They are amazing!

As far as attacking first, before being attacked...that is how I approach life...always on alert. I learned all that self defense and how to fight so I could take care of myself (in my mind). Now I wish people would try to do something...so I can take my frustration with life out on them. That's what I think to myself anyway. I get so angry I just want someone to try something so I can defend myself and hurt them! It's crazy.