Thinking Of Quitting Therapy...

[Maggiemay]

I've gone into therapy to specifically address traumas. I thought it would be easy, but evidently not! :'( I was coping and functioning so much better than the last year until Monday's session. It's devastating.

At my worst in therapy back in September/October I was not functioning at all - I was stuck in child mode & everything was sensory overload and I was constantly plagued by auditory, visual and sensory flashbacks day and night. I was also suffering from acute night terrors, couldn't even hold down water, my pulse was racing continually at 150 bpm and I was constantly flipping between panic and dissociation, so severe it led to non epileptic seizures and black outs. It was horrendous. I'm NOT going back there if I can help it, I don't want to take any more time off sick :(

I'm learning to compartmentalise, but am not always successful.

Monday morning is the only session she can offer. But maybe waiting til she has another session available is the answer.

I just want to be ok and all this crap to stop! :'(

 

[Hashi]

Maggiemay, please be careful. I know you're under pressure because you only have a certain number of therapy sessions until March. It's still not worth putting yourself through so much distress, and possible retraumatisation, by trying to do things if you aren't ready to do them. If you do that, you won't make any progress. You'll get to the end of your sessions and there won't be any improvement anyway. So why put yourself through it?

If you can review things and then pace yourself, you could make some progress over the next few weeks.

My suggestion, like others here, would be to make the best use of the time you have by doing a lot of work on coping and grounding. You may not get to disclosing anything about trauma, but you'll be functioning better instead of worse and will have acquired skills that can take you forward from there (in whatever form the next steps will be).

I supposedly have the grounding techniques. In reality, I have some strategies I use when things are manageable but am easily. I find it especially hard at night to stay grounded, it's definitely when I'm most vulnerable.

Disclosing the smallest amount in therapy causing auditory & sensory flashbacks to return, & the return of seizures as I fall asleep. :'( HATE it.

I'm not sure if your therapist is aware that all this is going on for you? If not, I think they need to be.

You need to have real grounding and coping techniques that work. You can't get around that, however much you might want to and however rushed you feel. You can't bypass that. It just won't work.

At my worst in therapy back in September/October I was not functioning at all - I was stuck in child mode & everything was sensory overload and I was constantly plagued by auditory, visual and sensory flashbacks day and night. I was also suffering from acute night terrors, couldn't even hold down water, my pulse was racing continually at 150 bpm and I was constantly flipping between panic and dissociation, so severe it led to non epileptic seizures and black outs. It was horrendous. I'm NOT going back there if I can help it,

You can help it. I think you're at risk of going there again unless you do a lot of work on grounding and coping, instead of trying to disclose in therapy.

Reading your posts, it makes me think of someone who hasn't learnt to drive and feels they don't have time to because they're so concerned about getting somewhere on time, so they jump behind the wheel hoping that if they go fast enough they can get there, but crashing into things and getting more and more injured along the way.

I would definitely not stop therapy, but change the focus to skills work. A few more driving lessons first...

 

[Hashi]

I've been told I'll never be well so why try and fix something that can't be fixed?

Could I ask...

Who told you that?

Were those their exact words?

Be well from what? PTSD?

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks Hashi :)

At the end of my last lot of therapy I was definitely left retraumatised and am still dealing with the fall out from that now :'( Definitely suggesting grounding techniques and strategies tomorrow :) I have some, which I am able to use when things aren't too intense, but when they climax I have no hope. :'( Definitely feeling more & more injured - I'm so desperate to be ok, I'm loosing my sanity along the way. :'( It would help if the NHS offered more than just short term therapy *groan* :(. Let's see what she says tomorrow. Eek! Last thing I want is a repeat of this week, it's been hell. If I wasn't working & had to be ok in front of my class, I would be a lot more unwell. :'(

It was my old Therapist, and now my new one who said I'll always struggle. I've got complex ptsd, borderline personality disorder (BPD), some sort of dissociative disorder, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) & generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Apparently the reason I became ill a year and a bit ago was because I'd spent years denying anything was wrong. I apparently need to accept it and learn strategies as fundamentally I'm not going to change, my issues are very deep rooted. :'( Instead of seeing it as supportive though it's left me pretty helpless and thinking 'what's the point?' I've fought so hard to be well, can't see the point in bothering if it's all wasted effort :'( xxx

 

[Pencil]

I've gone into therapy to specifically address traumas. I thought it would be easy, but evidently not! :'( I was coping and functioning so much better than the last year until Monday's session. It's devastating.

At my worst in therapy back in September/October I was not functioning at all - I was stuck in child mode & everything was sensory overload and I was constantly plagued by auditory, visual and sensory flashbacks ... my pulse was racing continually at 150 bpm and I was constantly flipping between panic and dissociation ... It was horrendous.

Maggiemay, I'm amazed at how similar our stories are, the real difference being that I did not go specifically to address trauma. How I ended up in therapy is difficult to explain, but that is another story altogether. Even 'having gone before', I have zero to contribute that would be helpful, constructive, informed, whatever.

I was also stuck in child mode and as a result I attached to the therapist (number 4) with something like superglue. The response was, predictably, a gentle prodding away. After 8 months and 4 therapists, I find that NONE of my issues were actually addressed, the information I got regarding all my 'problems' was on the internet, all insight I gained on my own and on this forum. Yet, therapy cost me a small fortune I could not afford. I am, gratefully, slowly regaining equilibrium and sanity. But, the downside is of course that all my attachment and emotional problems are still nicely intact, and so I end up where I was before the circus started, better informed, but basically in the same position emotionally / psychologically.

And so I'll be watching this space and hoping for a more constructive outcome for you. I'm not saying all of this to make you more disheartened, and I really hope that I'm not contributing to your feeling of hopelessness. I DO think that no matter how deeply rooted a problem is, it CAN heal, but I think the relationship with the therapist is crucial, and I believe that the wrong therapist can do a lot of damage.

 

[Chosen]

Have you read Rachel Reiland "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from BPD"? That's a good book, and can give hope that there is healing.

 

[Maggiemay]

Pencil sorry you relate so well. It sounds like a very frustrating journey. :( I too am on my 4th therapist in 8 months - it's as if I'm a hot potato that nobody wants to touch. ; ( I agree with what you're saying about finding the right T. My old one was lovely, and I still talk to her daily, but I've become very dependent on her which doesn't bode well for when she decides to walk out my life. ; (

Noah - I've heard of it but never read it, maybe I'll look it up. ;) xxx

 

[Pencil]

My old one was lovely, and I still talk to her daily,

Still talk to her daily?? How did you achieve that? Why are you no longer in therapy with her? And why do other people get the huggers and the ones you can talk to daily? :(

 

[Chosen]

Yeah! what Pencil said! I want my hugs! And responses to e-mails would be wonderful!

 

[Hashi]

It was my old Therapist, and now my new one who said I'll always struggle. I've got complex ptsd, borderline personality disorder (BPD), some sort of dissociative disorder, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) & generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Apparently the reason I became ill a year and a bit ago was because I'd spent years denying anything was wrong. I apparently need to accept it and learn strategies as fundamentally I'm not going to change, my issues are very deep rooted. :'( Instead of seeing it as supportive though it's left me pretty helpless and thinking 'what's the point?' I've fought so hard to be well, can't see the point in bothering if it's all wasted effort :'( xxx

It does sound like your therapists are saying that to break through denial and stress the need to deal with/manage things. I'm not sure if they used the words "always struggle" or if those are your words, but I think there is a point in addressing things rather than denying them. I'm dealing with some of the same diagnoses as you are, and I know that there are things that make them better, maybe much better. It doesn't happen overnight, though. It takes a lot of work on skills and practice. The strategies make a difference.

NHS (UK public health service) therapy... don't start me. Sorry that what's available is so limited. Is there a chance of getting longer term therapy through a charity or pastoral service? (With pastoral, you don't necessarily have to belong to any religion and the therapy isn't necessarily faith based - the options depend on the place.)

 

[Maggiemay]

*hugs* pencil & noah- she's a hugger but definitely not with me - I'm acutely sensitive to touch!! I think the reason she's still in touch in hindsight is that she feels some sense of responsibility after retraumatising me :(

Thanks Hashi, I get what you're saying :) Charity therapy? It's worth looking into I guess. After today I'm considering seeing if I can get a referral for support through the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) as I'm going to need something even if it isn't therapy.

UPDATE: So, I went to my appointment today and was honest. I'm now on a 2 week break, hoping things will settle down. When I next meet we're going to decide whether to stop entirely, or continue working on learning boundaries and buffering techniques so I'm not so easily triggered. I agreed it was for the best, but now feeling like a failure. I desperately want to deal with the past but doing so makes me incredibly unwell so it's not safe to do so. :'( Frustrating! I knew when I 1st started seeing her there was a large possibility it would trigger me too much and I'd have to stop. I just didn't expect it to happen, especially when I've hardly disclosed anything to her. Urgh! Not fair!

I guess I'm a lot more vulnerable, fragile and unwell than I realised. I'm damaged goods and always will be. My traumas are multiple and span every type of abuse since pre verbal. I didn't talk til I was almost 4 despite being quite intelligent and the 1st thing I said was "I want it, it's mine." That says it all really. My life qaa so chaotic right from a small child I decided not to be part of it.

Xxx

 

[Maggiemay]

Ok, so Monday is judgement day... those 2 weeks have gone so quickly...

I still am none the wiser as to what to do. But, what I do know is I'm not well enough to be left with no support and if need be I'll fight to make sure I have at least someone - I'm thinking of being re- referred to Community Mental Health Team (CHMT). I just need to hold onto the hope I can be helped...

I've been in touch with my old Therapist - according to her I've gone full circle and what I need now rather than reliving and processing work (which just makes me very unwell!) I need anxiety management, relaxation techniques and know how to confront anxious and perfectionist thoughts.

From my perspective, I just want to be able to stop fighting and accept all of this rubbishness is here to stay. :( I want ro learn my limits and understand exactly how this illness has effected me. I want to stop blaming myself... I was a young child when it all happened - I was powerless to stop it...

16yrs on I need to find peace within myself, somehow...