Sensible Rules For "screening" People To Be Friends With?

[Eleanor]

In another thread I said

"Anyone who has suffered long term systematic abuse at the hands of their family needs to adopt some sensible absolute rules about who to screen out of the running for friends (partners, new family etc.) "

But what rules?

I did a couple of searches to try to find a ready made list of such rules. I don't have enough brain this week to generate one on my own. I didn't find anything very good (although lists of "warning signs of potential abusers" like the one http://domesticdiversions.com/index.php/dear-abbys-15-ways-to-spot-an-abuser/ are pretty common.) Clearly the things on this list (pushes for intimacy early, jealous, controlling, unrealistic expectations, isolating, blames others for their feelings, threatening, cruel, hypersensitive etc.) are a bad sign in anyone. It is good to adopt rules to avoid such people. But I was kind of hoping for something that was at a bit less focused on romantic relationships. Alas I came up empty.

Since the problem of "screening" people and deciding whom to trust is both more important and trickier for people whose PTSD comes from abuse I thought I would ask "at large" what rules and strategies have worked?

Ideas?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Thanks Eleanor. Now looking at the list. I had all the warning signs before my marriage. I wish I had that list 35 years ago!

 

[safenow]

Thanks Eleanor. I read that list. I'd say they were spot on.

I tend to struggle with just neighbors who want to become friends that tend to "force" themselves on me. Like, telling me very personal stuff just so I will do the same, then get upset when I won't tell them anything about myself.

Or those who "invite" them self into my home. To me that is just plain rude. i don't allow it. I lock my door, even when I'm home alone during the daytime hours. I do open my patio door, but I don't like it when people come out back and lean over the wall to talk to me. I tend to say I'm busy and then shut the patio door on them.

I do have a couple of close friends, but I have certain rules we go by as well. Like, don't just "drop in" without calling me first. Don't expect me to come to your house when you have parties. I don't do groups very well. Don't expect me to call all the time. I don't have that much to say. I also have boundaries. No one is allowed to touch me, unless I ask for a hug. Do not expect me to hug you unless you specify you need a hug. I always ask if I see they need a hug. No yelling or verbal abuse of any kind.

I accept any rules they have as well.

I don't know if this helps you or not. Sorry.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I find the ability to speak a real turn off in people. I made exceptions for two women that are dear to me. One speaks Spanish (I don't) and the other is deaf (I don't know sign language). We get along splendidly.

 

[Eleanor]

I also have boundaries. No one is allowed to touch me, unless I ask for a hug. Do not expect me to hug you unless you specify you need a hug. I always ask if I see they need a hug. No yelling or verbal abuse of any kind.

I think if you clearly and explicitly set boundaries and someone just blows right past them or doesn't respect them at all - that is a warning sign itself.

Some of the other stuff, I think, is custom. For example, people SoCal seem to "share" more personal stuff than people in the Central Valley (where I live) and both of those are way beyond what people are comfortable with sharing casually in, say, Boston. I am informed by a friend that unannounced visits are the norm in Isreal - and she is kind of surprised when people ask and DON'T just drop by ("What did I do to drive everyone away?" she wondered when she first came here!) How free neighbors feel to chat seems to vary by neighborhood... I've lived places where no one spoke to neighbors almost ever, and places where we always wave and stop to pass the time of day. Places where you chat over the front yard fence - but would never speak over the back fence. Different places seem to be different in this regard. You are, of course, free to follow your own rules in this respect(!) but you will get funny looks/judged by people when you don't conform to the local custom. That, for better or worse, just seems to be human nature. I grew up a third culture kid, so being regarded as an outsider/oddball is kind of second nature to me.:alien:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Never make friends with a gossip. Too much drama.

 

[Aribear]

I have massive trouble with this. I find that I tend to befriend people that are overly clingy and possessive (sort of psuedo-protective if that makes any sense). I know the things on the list are totally red flags, but when a new friend acts inappropriately possessive (usually realized after the fact) and it's not to that extreme, I have a hard time figuring out where exactly the line is between "slightly off" and "don't go there."

Right now all I've been able to figure out is that if a brand new friend calls and/or texts repeatedly almost everyday when you've only known them a week or two, that's not usually a good thing. Also, if they seem unhappy or jealous about other friends who want to spend time with you, that doesn't tend to get better.

I know it probably sounds obvious, but it's taken me a bit of time to get there and not override the warning bells in my head with "just give them a chance."

 

[ms spock]

9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
----------
Yes this was my family.

 

[ms spock]

You have to develop yourself and your own skills to be able to be in the running to look for friends. You have to meet your own needs. You have to have good boundaries in yourself. You have to be doing your own healing. You need not to be in a rescuing mode or a co-dependent mode. I think there is a lot you need to do in yourself so you can pick up things about other people.

 

[Pencil]

Never make friends with a gossip. Too much drama

The gossip will gossip about you too. I follow a rule: Whatever the person does to others, he/she will eventually do to you, whether it's gossip, nastiness, backstabbing ... name it. And for this reason I avoid people with a 'us vs them' mentality - I will get my turn to be relegated to the 'them' category, for a 'vs' action.

And people who are rude to waiters. It sounds like a silly thing, but someone who feels that he/she has the 'right' to be rude to waiters, as waiters are 'servants', are abusive - just give them time, and the abusiveness will become more apparent.

 

[Loner]

I guess it depends what you define as friends. I'd hang out and share activities with lots of people, even people I know have obvious flaws, including liars, drug users, road ragers, etc. Many of those things have little effect on me and most people can only hurt me as much as I let them. As long as people have some amount of control over themselves and seem to be at base decent people with ok character. Even some people with obviously pretty flawed character can still be really cool to be around. I have one 'friend' who is a professional extreme skier. The guy is not the greatest person, he threw my dog's ball into (slow) moving traffic once because he thought he could bounce it off a tree and back into the yard. I wouldnt trust him to see me vulnerable in any way, but he is an upbeat motivated person who does lots of cool things with his life. I would trust him as a ski mountaineering partner. I trust his ability to set anchors and belay me if we need to rappel something, to communicate adequately when skiing a line, and to respond well if I were to get into an avalanche. I do not trust him to do these things because he cares about me, rather because it is in his best interest to be a competent professional ski partner and to be known as such so he continues to have people to ski with. I only give him enough trust as I need to and really its not trust so much as an awareness of how he is going to behave.

To let someone close to me though, they better be pretty freaking special. In fact, I don't let anyone closet to me at all. Sounds kind of sad but I actually think thats the way most people are.

 

[BloomInWinter]

A very simple rule that healthy adults teach children is simply to trust your feelings.

If we feel good about ourselves and the other person when we interact, that person is ok.

If we don't feel good about ourselves or them, they aren't healthy for us for some reason. Though we may give them another chance or two, if it turns out that way over and over, then we know for sure.

It's working for me, now.