Explaining The Term "survivor"?

[Abstract]

hat I feel I never was a victim and for the same reason don't ...to be called a survivor

I relate to some aspects of this. I too have never applied either to myself. And all sorts of convoluted thinking is involved...

 

[Springer80]

And all sorts of convoluted thinking is involved...

Yeah I know, it's quite easy to get tied up in knots with it. I remember a few years ago when the P.T.G. thing came out. I was just (after 15yrs) getting to grips with ptsd for myself and some bu**er goes and invents a new category about how wonderful life is after recovery. Well thanks a lot I thought, I've only just correctly identified the problem and now everyone is gonna tell me what a blessing my new values and life perspective is! Well, if they're brave that is ;) :mad:

 

[piratelady]

I remember a few years ago when the P.T.G

What does PTG mean? Please write out abbreviations as not everyone knows what they mean.

 

[Springer80]

What does PTG mean?

Hi Piratelady,
Sorry, I'd done it further up the thread... it's....

Post Traumatic Growth (PTG).

 

[Pencil]

There's no convoluted thinking for me involved. It just never occurred to me to call myself anything :D

I guess in a weird way I put distance between what happened and myself that way, so when I say anything about it, it goes something like:
My parents were .....
My past was .....
I come from a ..... family, etc. I realize now that I tend to not put myself in relation to it.

 

[Hashi]

Sorry, decided to remove what I wrote.

Nothing sinister, I just need to think this through a bit more.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

In answer to questions/ points raised.

@Prime-No: I am not getting therapy yet, I am on a waiting list and I was assured five and a half weeks ago, that I would have an appointment in four weeks. Tomorrow I will phone them.

@The Albatross: I do feel like many parts of me died but maybe they didn't and are hidden somewhere, but if so they're hidden so well they might as well be dead. I do have memory before the trauma and I was profoundly different. I'm not unhappy with who I am, though I would like to self-improve a little, but who I am and who I was are vastly different. I don't consider still breathing as being an achievement because the loss of breath has not been a threat - except by my own hands. But after a couple of failed attempts, I reached a very solid decision that I refuse to kill or hurt myself. I'm in constant survival mode, if I have to fear myself as well I would be too exhausted, so I removed the possibility of that option. However if I got hit by a bus tomorrow so be it.

@Springer80: I don't know if I am feeling or trying to feel compassion for myself, I don't know how, unless I am already doing it, which I try, I think, that is very confusing!

@Pencil: I avoid talking about my self, as once something has been said allowed it seems too set in stone and I feel that I have to keep up whatever it was that I'd said. That's not to say I was lying e.g. If I say I am caring - I might be a caring individual but I need to occasionally do something for me, that's selfish not selfless because the time spent on me could have been better used on someone else. Also whilst parts of me are caring, other aren't so much and I always end up feeling like I can't cope with anything, or like a liar or failure. And if someone thinks I'm lying about being a caring person, maybe they'll think I'm lying about everything/anything else.

Also when I go to say something about myself, I get confused and suddenly forget, either like someone might ask me how old I was and would have to work it out because I can't/don't remember. Or I would be about to say something about myself and the words and subject matter would fall away, and I would have to say that I forgot. Even when reminded I often can't continue, if I try I feel uncomfortable, my head gets noisy and I get distressed.

So in terms of basic resonance, I do not in the feel that I am a survivor or the survivor mentality, although I am maybe beginning to see that survivor maybe another way of saying I coped long enough for it to be over and whilst I know I am a victim, I don't know if I feel like one. I don't really feel much of (or like) anything (not even myself if there is such a thing). If I must describe what I am or how I feel, the term broken is all I can muster.

 

[Pencil]

the term broken is all I can muster.

I really relate to this one.

 

[Abstract]

suddenly forget,

I really relate to this part in many ways kas.

 

[The Albatross]

My default coping style now is to look for the perception that "best serves me" moving forward. If I persisted in the belief that some parts of me were dead or wounded or flawed... I was hobbling myself in my present life situations and circumstances. I chose to give more creedence on my present. Who I am now, and when I don't know, perceive myself as a blank canvas on which I can create the kind of person I esteem or would like to be. It was a process.

I think it is a very sad thing to constrain ourselves to a potential "rest of our lives" as walking dead or walking wounded.