Relationship Reconnecting With Estranged Husband.

[lily12]

I'm new to the forum and up till a few months ago, I wasn't fully aware what PTSD is, even though I was living it. My husband tried to shelter me from the effects, he tried his best to make sure I'm staying in my bubble of happy martial bliss. But he couldn't keep up with it and the PTSD symptoms resurfaced full force. I had no idea what I was up against, I had no clue what he was going through. I thought he didn't love me anymore, I didn't quite understand why is he pushing me away, why he'd disconnect from me, why he thought I'd betray his trust. I never gave him a reason to mistrust me, and although I didn't fully understand what was going on I tried my best to be there for him. I was battling my own depression and feelings of hopelessness and uselessness.

About a year ago, things escalated, and neither us could stand the negativity, fighting and depression and we decided to call it quits.

During that year we stayed in touch more or less, with me initiating contact, and checking up on him. I tried to make sure he understands that no matter what happens between us, I'll be there for him. but it's like he didn't believe a word I said. He kept pushing and pushing, eventually starting to ignore my phone calls and texts.

About 2 weeks ago he reached out for the first time since we split up, he asked how I was doing and how things are going.

I guess what I'm asking is what should be my game plan? I love him very much, but I cant help but being torn between my feelings of resentment towards him and logically knowing it's the PTSD.

Should I start reaching out to him, subtly letting him know I'm still here or let it take it's course and hope he initiates contact again? I know the statistics in cases like ours, I try to educate myself as best as I can. I know that I'm in it for life.

I don't want to scare him away, I'm just not sure how to go from here.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi lily12,

Can you clarify something for me? Your husband has PTSD and not you correct? I just need to make sure this thread is in the right location.

Thank you,

Ayesha

 

[lily12]

That's correct, my husband has PTSD.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I moved the thread to the supporter section. There are many helpful and knowledgeable people here in the supporters section Lily12. I am sure they will have some great advice for you.

Thank you for the clarification and kind regards. :)

Ayesha

 

[jmni]

It sounds like you are very devoted to him. If I were you I would be sure that I am not just putting all of his needs before my own. It sounds like you have been patient and given him more than sufficient distance.

If you didn't resent him I think that would be strange. I think you should be objective and try to observe if he has made any progress. Is it possible you could be crediting the PTSD more than you should?

 

[lily12]

I'm not sure if he made any progress, by the sounds of it, from what his family tells me, he's still angry with the world. He tried therapy but by the sounds of it, the therapist he went to, didn't have enough resources or skills to help him cope with the effects the EDMR had on him. He has plans of going back to school, which I guess is a progress because for the longest time he didn't have any plans for the future.

Up till I actually started reading about PTSD, I thought he just stopped loving me all of a sudden. The more I read the more sense his behavior made. The more our relationship started making sense. The sudden withdrawal.
His attitude didn't just change towards me, it changed towards everyone, his family, his friends.

 

[jmni]

For some reason he must feel very alone but this is very bad if he is angry at the world. It could indicate other disorders besides ptsd.

I know that I'm in it for life.

Do you mean that you will wait for him?

I love him very much, but I cant help but being torn between my feelings of resentment towards him and logically knowing it's the PTSD.

Do you feel lost? Sometimes our loved ones conditions get so bad it is just too much for us. I think that it is great that you are loving and supportive to him but you should not forget your own needs.

 

[lily12]

He was experiencing PTSD even before he was deployed, due to childhood trauma.

 

[nursenurse]

Be kind to yourself, lily12. Over and over again, I have been told to do this in my relationship, to have a separate life and it works. Because in any relationship, PTSD or not, you need to have a separate life. Gives you something to talk about at the end of the day, and if you were to ever end up on your own, you have something to fall back on.

Examine your reasons for being and staying in the relationship. Everyone needs something from their relationships, just don't place his needs way above your own, otherwise you risk co-dependency, and that isn't healthy for either of you.

I seem to examine my reasons for my relationship frequently, not necessarily because of his PTSD, but because that is my nature after a failed 21 year marriage and the vow "NEVER again." Until my guy came along, in all his brokenness from the PTSD and the failed marriage from hell. Why? Because in his own words, "I can only offer you my heart and my word as a man." Dear God, that is more than I ever received from anyone, and all I really want. So for now, I tread carefully, to preserve my own heart, and treasure what he offers me. Warts and all. But I maintain the life I have built for myself before he came. And bless his heart, he expects nothing less.

Salud!

 

[lily12]

I thought about my reasons, what could possibly be my reason for holding on? It's been a year since we've separated, our marriage was rocky and the separation even rockier. But I also remember the man I married, the kind, generous, sensitive guy that I met. The one that drove hours just because I had a bad day at work. The one that showed his love in many ways, the one that used to laugh and joke around and smile.
I believe that man is still down there underneath the layers and layers of anger and guilt, of shame and sadness. I believe he's still down there, grasping for air and hanging on the best he can.
Other than that I really shouldn't be holding on, and is that a good enough reason?

I'm not sure how to help him, how to reach out. I'm not sure I have the strength to fight this thing with him, even if he lets me. I'm not sure I can be of any help. And I've heard I all before, that I need to build my life without him and carry on. I know this on a logical level but I'll be a liar if I say he's always part of my decision making.

I love this man and I think it's the hardest part, accepting that you cant help if they don't want to help themselves.

 

[nursenurse]

My heart goes out to you. And all of us here. Have you sought out therapy for yourself? Whether you stay or leave, you have been hurt badly too. PTSD does not mean you should accept bad behaviour. I hope he has sought out some help as well. I think we can all attest to "seeing" the good person buried inside of the men/women that we love. But sometimes, we have to know when to let go. I don't kid myself that this might happen to me in the future. Sigh.

You are the best person to determine when you have had enough. My marriage was non-PTSD related, but I had lost myself in it, my sense of self worth, the person who I was had become mired in the unhappiness. In the end, I left, but with the determination that I could be happy again. It took a few years to build the life that I have now, but I am happy. Point being that the end of any relationship is just plain hell, doesn't matter what the factors are that brought it about. Hugs to you, you will make the right choice when it becomes really apparent.

I would just leave the ball in his court for now, deep down he knows that you are there, otherwise he would not have contacted you. Hugs to you, you are a brave and wonderful woman, don't forget that.