Relationship I Have Seen The Demons Take Him Over And I Think They Are Winning.

[Sarah_1990]

Just a little venting about the person I love most. We are not together anymore but I do not love him any less because I know he has pushed me away for what he feels is "best for me."

I miss him more and more with each passing day. He thinks it is too hard to see each other and he does not want to talk about anything so I respect that as much as possible. He has said so many hurtful things. Things that made me question who I was talking to. It was like he was another person.

"I'm too messed up to be with anyone. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy and that person is not me. I'm toxic. I'm not happy because I hurt the people I care about. I am aware I have pushed people away because of things in my past or because of how I feel about myself. I do not want to talk to anyone about any of it. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore. It is nothing you did. I am not worth anyone's time or energy. I just want to be alone and I am okay with it. I am not sure if a trigger caused me to push you away. (etc)"

I have seen true evil behind his eyes. The eyes that once looked at me. Here and there he pulls through and I catch a glimpse or two... But then the demons come right back and force me away harder.

I feel so helpless. I am helpless. It feels like I am watching the person I love more than myself die in front of me behind a wall. The wall is where his past stands. The creator of his demons and the cause of all this turmoil and anguish.

He hides behind numbing eyes and the lifeless phrase of "I'm fine." And all I can do is watch him.

 

[Lady_A]

Hi Sara_1990, I know just how you feel, it's like a mirror image of my situation,I used to see nothing but love in his eyes but, for a long time there is only pain and anger when he looks at me, and I have tried to understand his PTSD, but it's been eating me up,so I decided to leave,and like you I don't love him any less, but I can't take any more pain coming from him. I am really sorry about what you are going through, but you have to take care of yourself. I am a cancer survivor, and all that stress was not good for me so I had to go. I left a beautiful house, lost insurance, but I am gaining myself back, I pray for him everyday.

I really hope this forum gives you a sense of connection and helps you in understanding that you are not alone there are many of us that are going through the similar situation, Take care of yourself.

Lady_A

 

[Needing Guidance]

Ladies, trust me, you are not alone. My best friend was turned by those same emotionless demons almost 2 months ago. She is currently going through that misdirected rage and anger where it's focused "on the one person" who she actually got close to and "almost" opened up to. But before that happened, she found it easier to run back to her safe place at home. I know she is going through hell right now and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help her.

I love her like no other and will be there for her the second she can start to talk to me again. 24/7. I've tried to not think about her very often, but as you're probably aware, that seems next to impossible. My world has been turned upside down without the honest love we felt for each other when were together.

I question how long her anger will keep hold of her and not allow her to think clearly.

I share your pain and pray that you both find the strength to hold on to your sanity, or do like others and just forget and move on. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my emotions and feelings like she does. If I could change places with her one day and let her feel the love and the hurt that she causes me, I believe she would start working on herself immediately. But that is a dream.

Good Luck and take care!

 

[ashdawn8287]

I have been scared to look at supporters post because I am all to aware of how I have hurt and pushed people away in the past. I think if someone with PTSD is truly working on themselves you shouldn't give up. All people with PTSD want is hugs and love, but often we are so hurt we believe we don't deserve it so we reject any form of it and go back to what we know, neglect, hurt, pain, and isolation.

I have decided to dedicate my time to healing past wounds. I have allowed myself to free some of the pain, although not all, it has enabled me to be affectionate again.

 

[Needing Guidance]

I have decided to dedicate my time to healing past wounds. I have allowed myself to free some of the pain, although not all, it has enabled me to be affectionate again.

ashdawn8287, I've read a few of your posts and think you are making an attempt to work on yourself. I think you are probably doing better than a lot of sufferers.

I'm hoping my girlfriend will come around before too long and start the journey that you have decided to take in healing yourself. I miss her too much still and she is only a few miles down the road from me. And today isn't a good day for me at all...

 

[Sarah_1990]

Needing guidance - Your sufferer has left as well? How long has she been gone? And has she said anything hurtful to you? I am so sorry we are all going through this... It helps to know I am not alone, but I wish it could bring them back.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Needing guidance and sarah- I hope you both get what you are looking for. I hope it works at for you both and they came back. I hope it doesn't take an end of a relationship for them to get better. I desperately hope they both get better and figure everything out. You both are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang on, it will be okay. Hugs all around.

 

[Needing Guidance]

From what I read, she got too close and decided it was easier to "be alone". At least, move back down the road with her parents again, which is where she was living when I ran into her again. I've known her for 13 years and we've been great friends since day one.

And yes, she went totally emotionless, said "it was the heat of the moment" that made her feel like she had found true love (every day was wonderful for about 8 months living together) she said I was trying to control every single aspect of her life and them some. Those were about the only words that came out of her mouth the last 3 weeks, once I knew something was going on that was really bugging her deep down inside. And none of that B.S. crap she mentioned had anything to do with it.

She got scared of finding real happiness for the first time in her life and thought she didn't deserve it. That is crap! She does deserve to be happy. She did not ask for the things that happened to her when she was younger and in no way deserves to live her life secluded from most people. She is hiding from the one person she found that is willing to not only stand by her side while dealing with the issues, but carry her through it if need be.

Her parents are in denial about how serious it is and they are just enabling her to live in misery, instead of taking the fist step and getting her to see a Therapist. She knows I love her so much and I think it scared the hell out of her. Plus her symptoms are in full swing the last couple weeks, which she's hidden pretty well for the last year or so.