Relationship A Little Advice Needed.

[Sarah_1990]

So before I begin, I AM doing things for myself, and dealing with things as best as possible.

I have decided that I cannot be in my sufferers life when he is not getting help. It is too stressful on me. Everyone knows that you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. I am hoping in doing this, he hits some sort of bottom, or at least comes closer to one. I will not bring this up or throw it on him unless he tries to come back. I do not want to stress him out. I love him MORE than any other person on this planet, and will probably KICK myself for this, but I have to do what is best for both of us. I am not giving up or leaving, but postponing if you will. I will let him know that I love and care for him and it has nothing to do with my feelings for him.

Is this a good idea?

 

[Rosalia]

YES. You can't help someone who won't seek help for themselves. PTSD a tough, exhausting thing to live with and you should be sympathetic, but you shouldn't be an enabler. Who knows? Perhaps your departure will shake the status quo enough to get himself the help he needs. But if it isn't, that's okay, too. You're no good to anyone if you're not good to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I am hoping in doing this, he hits some sort of bottom, or at least comes closer to one.

I am not giving up or leaving, but postponing if you will.

It sounds like you're attempting to manipulate him. I understand that ... tendency, but it's wrong. You need to either leave him and do what's best for you, or ... ? Well, what's the alternative when he has told you that he doesn't want you around anymore? Are you stalking him? Are you obsessed with him? Just because he has PTSD and isolates sometimes, doesn't mean that he can't decide when he wants a relationship to end. Are you sure you're reading him right?

I will not bring this up or throw it on him unless he tries to come back.

I should hope not. It IS your choice, afterall. However, you have every right to be angry that he's left you, and to mourn the loss. I'm reminded of the downstairs neighbor on Two and a Half Men, who thinks Charlie is just playing hard to get.

At some point, you need to accept that he is gone... and you need to move on. I presume you're thinking that he may come back in 6 months or a year, and you want to be waiting for him... welcoming him back... thankful that he's come to his senses... and proving to him that you are true to him and trustworthy and loyal or something like that. But, your life is ticking by while you wait for something that isn't likely to happen... and if it does, you will only teach him to take you for granted, because he knows you will wait for him.

You've made a decision, which is at least partially based in manipulation. It's time to remove the manipulation part of that decision... and really let go... commit to your own decision. Avoid him at all costs, mourn the loss, pick up a hobby/college courses or volunteer somewhere and give your empathy/sympathy to someone seeking help. Get your head out of his life, and focus it on your own.

In another thread, you identify with sufferers who've been told to move on... that you know how hurtful that is to hear and not be able to do. This isn't healthy love. This is obsession. Obsession is compulsive and suffocating. That is what you're describing... you need to seek counseling. You need to think about your own mental health.

You also identify with the marine saying in that same post, expressing your level of commitment, loyalty, devotion... whatever you want to call it. It's like you're so in tuned with your marine that you aren't really seeing where he ends and you begin. It's extreme. It's like... codependency. Check out this [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/codependency-warning.24585/"]thread[/DLMURL] for more information, it's rather common... I think.

IMHO, you are drowning; you just don't know it.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Muzikluvr - I disagree with every single thing you have just said. And I am also very very offended. You do not know him, therefore you do not know what his symptoms or actions are. I know what is real and what is not.

I am not manipulating by any means. No matter what the illness or disorder or whatever, if someone will not seek any sort of help, they usually have to reach rock bottom in order to do so. Kind of like a wake up call. I have even seen multiple posts and threads from sufferers who have said those very things. It has just taken me until now to realize that. I am not doing anything drastic to show I have been "waiting" for him because I am not. If an opportunity arises, I am not stupid. I will take it. And I would not take him right back if he did come around. It would be slow and on both of our terms.

Check yourself before you call me obsessed, just because I post on here every once and a while about this. I have stated many times that I AM living my own life and doing my own things. But I do not love him any less. I am not drowning. Do not say I am in denial. All I wanted was a simple yes or no with some feedback. You stated your opinion, and then went down the road of attacking me.

I do not appreciate your comment. Sorry.

 

[nimkekaa]

It sounds to me like your setting some positive boundaries for yourself. You are unable to be in a relationship where someone's is unwilling to work on their issues. You are putting your safety and well being first.

I do think that in a relationship honesty is the best policy and in my opinion you should tell him why you are leaving. I don't think it is inappropriate to tell someone that they need to work on their issues for the relationship to work for you. If they chose not to, though, it is there choice and you need to walk away or come to some other compromise that works for both of you.

he has told you that he doesn't want you around anymore

I saw nothing of this in the first post of this thread. If he has said this then you do need to respect his wishes. Otherwise I see what your doing as taking care of yourself.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I wasn't attacking. Just calling it like I see it. I don't think you're obsessed because you post on here, I think it because of what you post. I meant only to call your attention to it. Something to think about. I did not intend to offend you. I'm sorry you felt attacked.

 

[Sarah_1990]

He has not said he does not want me around. He has told me it is too hard at the moment to be around each other but is very positive he does not want me gone forever. Like I said, I will wait for him to approach me so I do not press any more buttons, and then I will let him know how I feel. I will still be there for him and love him, but I cannot just stick around all the time helping him ignore the fact that he needs help. All his family and friends brush it off. I will no longer be one of them. I care too much.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yes

 

[neiljohnson]

Things are really hard at your side.

 

[p-no]

It doesn't hurt to look at co-dependency, no matter if in it or not. It's an important topic. There are always reasons (and it's not always healthy love) why the people who do do become supporters to someone with mental health.

There's also a thread on here called "Waiting" created by Nicolette. You may want to check it out. Reading up on matters concerning oneself (even if not right this very moment) is never a bad thing to do.

The question I'd ask myself is: Do I even have a relationship?

 

[Lucycat]

So before I begin, I AM doing things for myself, and dealing with things as best as possible.

Anger? Confrontational?