Relationship A Little Advice Needed.

[Abstract]

Sarah,
You have come a long way in a short time. This is so much more positive.

I do agree with Nimkekaa

tell him why you are leaving

and I do think it needs to truly be about just telling him what you are doing and not a means to get him to treatment and back to you.

throw it on him

This indicates your anger which is totally normal considering the circumstances. No one wants to be rejected. It is painful regardless of the reasons or influences.

I read your first post just after you posted and was very happy to see you get to this place. What occurred to me straight after (having read your first posts on the forum) is that I think it would be very wise for you to get some counselling too. I think it would help you in the future to look at all the aspects of what played out here. That way when you meet someone else and start a relationship you will be most likely to have a happy healthy relationship.

A big part of what he was saying to you at the beginning was that you were not able to let him have space or let go and it was obvious from what you were writing that that was a difficulty. What you wrote did seem a little obsessive. I think you need to look at that for your own sake long term. It isn't something as troublesome as PTSD of course but it is important never-the-less.

. It is too stressful on me.

I think it must be intolerably stressful to be with someone that is refusing treatment and I don't think anyone should have to endure it. When someone is working to get better it is a different story as there is hope.

Regardless I hope he does get to a point where he takes a look at where he is and decides to get help. Sometimes rock bottom is the only way that happens and sometimes not.

 

[Sarah_1990]

I was not being angry or confrontational. I am just tired of hearing on every post that I need to be good to myself and do things for myself. I am and I have been. And as for "throw it on him," I did not say that out of anger either. It is just an expression I used. No emotion behind that.

I did not get with him because of any codependency what so ever. I did not even know he had any disorder until after we started dating. His symptoms were not bad, or so I thought. It was not until the episode that lead to our demise, that I realized how bad it was.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

IMHO, I can see the codependency. You are jumping through hoops for him... He left you completely confused and with a bunch of excuses of why you should hang on and let him come back IF he choose too.

I can understand your stress. That all sounds so tiring Sarah. And I think Abstract has a good point about counseling. A healthy relationship is what you need.

 

[Abstract]

Sarah,

I hope you take a moment to read this properly. I understand this must be very hard to hear and I have great compassion for your situation.

The truth is that you have zero power to change anything for him or fix him or save him. The only power you have is over yourself. If you truly accept that then I think things will start changing for you.

I am concerned how you seem to resort to manipulation when you are desperate. I think you need to read through this thread again: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/i-said-something-extremely-dumb-to-my-sufferer.33092/#post-544155[/DLMURL]

I am also not sure if this is happening or not but suspect it is possible that when people are not answering you with what you want that you just post again hoping that someone will agree with you or say what you want them to. I think there were 5 threads in four days when you first came here. I wonder if that has happened with him as well. That you keep after him until he says something that you want him to say.

He went from telling me how much I deserve someone who is not messed up and that he is not worth anyone's time or energy, to saying that the break up was ALL my fault. That I should have listened.

It seemed to me that you could not let it go. I think that is normal really and anyone would find it distressing but what seems to have happened is that you not only struggled with it internally but rather were determined to change him and continued to contact him. So much of what you described back in those posts reminded me of a phase my sister went through and which her therapist described as a mild case of obsessive love. I am certainly not saying that that is the case for you. Just that there are aspects of it that reminded me of it.

You cannot help someone who does not want help.

You also cannot save someone. People save themselves. I think you need to look at this as really it is more you in this dynamic that is needing change. You need to think of how much of this is for you not him. Help is something that helps someone. If contact is making things more difficult for someone then it is for you not him. There is nothing bad about it and it understandable but it is important to own it.

I also just wanted to say that when people tell you you need to look after yourself it isn't meant as "get over it". No one can just get over something as painful and confusing as your situation. It is said out of care and understanding/knowledge.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Ok cool. I am getting rid of myself on this forum. Ok bye.