Relationship I Hate Supporting Sometimes. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

[Sarah_1990]

Sigh...

I am not sure what kind of feedback I am looking for. All I know, is that I do not want anyone to tell me to "move on." Because if I hear it, I might scream. Before I begin, I AM doing my best to move forward and get going with my life. No I am not seeing a counselor... I know I should. Being a supporter is hard freaking work and I feel like I lost a long time ago.

I am pretty sure most of you know my story. Marine veteran pushed me away... for more information, catch some of my threads. I am too exhausted to tell it again... Sorry.

Here I am at almost 3:30 AM still awake. My mind is RACING with the thoughts of him. He is desperately trying to push me away so I have since given in and have let him have his space. He went from telling me how much I deserve someone who is not messed up and that he is not worth anyone's time or energy, to saying that the break up was ALL my fault. That I should have listened. And when I apologized and said I realized what I had done, but he was at fault as well, he continued to say that he tried talking to me then and it was ALL my fault. Ouch. I believe he is pushing me away harder. So I accepted that, listened to what he had to say, and have not talked to him since. It has been a week. Side note - The above conversation was of his doing and he brought it up. The last thing I said to him was that I am here for him no matter what and that I love him.

It has been REALLY hard not talking to him. I want to know how he is or what he has been up to. And I know he says it is okay for us to talk about everyday things, but I feel like I want to show him that I am capable of giving him space. But last time I did not talk to him for a month, and when we finally reconnected, he said he left me alone because he thought I was better off without him. That makes me extremely sad.

You cannot help someone who does not want help. How frustrating. Ironic part is that he is a psychology major who is going towards working with other veterans. So any time getting help gets brought up, he always goes on and on how he does not believe in it, and throws school jargon at me that I do not understand.

I have NO idea if I will ever have the opportunity to see or even talk to him ever again. That brings me great pain and anguish. He is the best man I have ever known and he has my heart in a cage. What is worse is that I understand there are others on here who are going through this or much worse, but it never takes the pain away. At the end of the day, it does not change anything.

I am really sorry. I am not searching for attention or pity... I am just really missing him and I wish I could help him. Has anyone seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If not, it is on netflix. AWESOME movie. Much like how Jim Carrey erases his memory of Kate Winslet, I wish I could have him erase his memory of the awful memories of the war. I would take his pain in 2 seconds if I could.

 

[Nicolette]

He is the best man I have ever known and he has my heart in a cage.

Sometimes in life you have to go with your head and not your heart. I'm sorry, I understand but it comes down to how do you really want to live the rest of your life? Broken hearts mend but broken minds and spirits don't fair as well. :hug:

 

[discarded]

Nicolette is right, but unfortunately what our heart says and wants is often way stronger than what our head says. I have just realised that after many years of unhappiness as a supporter, plunging into my own depression, that I was never going to be the support he wanted (he doesn't want any support or treatment). I wish I could go back and leave a lot earlier than I did, for now not only do I have a broken heart to mend but a broken mind and spirit as well.

As the saying goes,'we have to learn by our own mistakes', and as you will read over and over on here, there are so many supporters who endlessly endure all the crap that PTSD brings, hoping that their love and support is all that is needed. Believe me when I say it is not worth it. If he pushes you away, then stay away. Don't torture yourself trying to make contact. We will never know what goes on in their heads and if they aren't in a place to reach out and explain it to us then it just isn't going to happen. Yes it sucks, but it is the nature of the beast.

I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself.

 

[nursenurse]

You said it all. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help. We have all been there, Sarah, and that's why we all seem to be saying the same thing. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but if you read what you have written, it should be more clear to you that this isn't likely the case. You are no longer be a supporter.

I'm not sure what you want to hear here, either, as you said at the beginning of your post. This forum is known for shooting straight from the hip, and I know how difficult it can be, feeling that you are not being supported. But in reality, these folks are more supportive than you realize. You see, you are here almost every day, and there is always someone here to give you a kind word and encouragement to be you. To do things for you. To remember that the most important person in your life is you. That far outweighs, in my mind, being encouraged to stick it out in a relationship that has already brought you much heartache.

 

[dms]

I'm so sorry Sarah! I really know your pain personally. It hurts like hell. You have to take care of you.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I know I'm a sufferer and everything, and I will also admit to not being easily attached to people. But, most of my PTSD symptoms are caused by my obsession to repair my relationship with my father... or at least repair my reputation with him. I understand that now, but when I was bending over backwards for him, devoting all my decisions to him... I just thought it was because I love him and want him to respect me.

Love is twisted, sometimes. Although, when you break it down, it's almost too easy. The last thing I said to my dad as he walked out the door, the last time he was welcomed into my home... was "I love you." I knew then that it was important that he understand that. I do love him, very much. But, he is toxic to me. The fact that I love him, doesn't mean I have to tolerate his toxic perspective. It hurts me to be around him, he hurts me with the things he says... he isn't even trying to hurt me, it's about what he believes. What he thinks about me, and also how little respect he has for my feelings. He disregards me.

I realize too, that "my love" is actually co-dependence. Real love is an action. It's not always easy to love someone, but it is always a choice. When it's an obsession, it should be questioned and dealt with until it can be put into perspective.

He's hurting you. He blamed you for the whole thing, and you don't seem to be able to see yourself as an independent person anymore... like you couldn't survive without him. Love hurts because sometimes we have to walk away from someone we love; but obsession is even worse. If I were you, I'd explore that line. I'd also figure out who I am and what I want... then, make plans to live it.