Relationship Letting Go

[tac1212]

Hi all. I recently told the sufferer in my life who I care about very much that I could no longer handle the binge drinking and what occurs when he indulges in that behavior. We had another one of those nights. They start off fine but end badly. We've talked about this issue before and there always good intention on his part not to let it happen again but eventually it would. I would always have hope that he would know when to stop. I understand wanting to relax, have fun and have a couple of drinks but the next thing I know it would be like a switch flipped and the rest of the night would be a rollercoaster ride and not a fun one. There were times I knew I should just leave him wherever we were but somehow I felt if I stayed I was being caring and loyal and making sure nothing really bad happened. Thing is that staying meant dealing with whatever he would throw at me. He would go from fun and loving to angry and would sometimes say hurtful things. He could spew and spew but if I said one thing in opposition or defense he would blow up or tell me to get lost. A few times we ended up sleeping in the car because he would pass out and I couldn't move him. The next day it would be as if nothing happened or it would be mentioned but jokingly. There was no recognition for the anxiety I felt the whole night.

It was after just such a night that I realized I could no longer "support" him this way. While he was passed out I wrote a letter and left it for him to find later. I expressed how I did care for him. I talked about the aspects of our relationship I did like but tole him that going through nights like that just was not healthy for either of us. The letter didn't say I was ending the relationship but more targeted not being able to handle this specific aspect. It's only been a day but I haven't heard from him and maybe that 's best. I know I did the right thing and that I need to take care of myself. It just hurts right now.

 

[Nicolette]

A big and difficult step - but well done for setting a boundary even though it hurts. :hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

May I say - you did fantastic. There must be consequences for abusive behavior or they just don't get it. He may never get it, or maybe he will - but the question is when. It could be a long time. In the meantime, you take care of yourself like you took care of him please. That was such a healthy thing to do - to say no to rotten behavior. A very loving thing. And you deserve loving behavior.

I speak from experience. Hoping you have a healing day.

 

[Bilby]

I'm sure it does hurt, absolutely.

For what it's worth, I think you did really well with pointing out the positives and negatives.

Good luck.

 

[nursenurse]

You did the right thing, and of course it is going to hurt, likely for a long time. I read somewhere that there is more courage in letting go. He needs to find his own way , get his own help. It is the only way he will develop a vested interest in himself, have ownership.

I know it will be difficult, but get out of the house. Go out with the girls, cry a river in your beer, do things that had you never met him, you would be doing today. If he seeks help, and you are willing to forge ahead with him, you will have an established life, something to talk about, a life that will keep you fresh. If he does't come back, you still have something to go back to.

Leave him alone. Best advice anyone here on the forum gave me. If it was meant to be, it will happen. He needs to know that he can lose you, something else someone else told me. And I would say this is a major problem he has. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You did the right thing.

Sadly, for some of us with PTSD, there is no such thing as "moderation". (I wish more people understood this concept----that a few drinks don't allow us to just relax, rather it has disastrous consequences and sends us to a bad place. Half a Corona and I'm waking up 6 hours later with night terrors---and that's the better end of things!)

 

[tac1212]

Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments and advice. I keep repeating to myself that I did the right thing. That I'm doing what is best for me and for him. I know if I didn't it would never be discussed and would just continue and I would end up apologizing for whatever he felt I did to wrong him. I was actually prepared to deal with the PTSD and applauded his efforts in dealing with those symptoms, therapy, etc. I remember him telling me that he joined the military to straighten himself out because he was partying a lot and out of control. I am realizing that the drinking may exist independent of his PTSD and I can't excuse it.

I printed out everyone's comments and will keep them close for encouragement and strength. I'm not very religious but I am sending a special blessing to everyone here. Thank you.

 

[Lost Pup]

the next thing I know it would be like a switch flipped and the rest of the night would be a rollercoaster ride and not a fun one.

Your post is painful for me, because I feel like I know exactly what it's like, looking back at myself a few years ago in your partner's position. I feel a lot of remorse for behaving in ways extremely similar to what you describe. The part I quoted above especially captures something that happened to me and that I really did not understand at the time.

I suspect there is something quite specific to the way alcohol affects the PTSD brain. Not that I fully understand this, but I know the intensity you describe all too well. I can only imagine how profoundly unsettling it must be for someone on the outside of it.

It is truly wonderful that you are responding to your own needs. My hat is off to you for trying to communicate with him in such an authentic way. That takes great courage and insight.

When my drinking was very bad, I was extremely resistant to AA. I went a few times and approached it with a very open mind, but I always felt it failed to gibe with my own experience of alcohol abuse. Instead, I found a group called SMART recovery. It's a growing but still lesser known group that is more grounded in contemporary scientific understandings of substance abuse than AA. It uses a cognitive behavioral therapy model. They might have a meeting in your area and they might be a good fit for your partner.

Their emphasis is on trying to understand the individual's process of relapse and preventing it. I found, personally, it was extremely helpful to learn to really look at and discuss just what my triggers were, what the timeline of the relapse was (before, during and after) and learn to work with all of it directly and non-judgmentally.

AA has worked great for some of my friends but, due to my own experience, I always want to spread the word that there are alternatives. SMART worked extremely well for me and I suspect this is because it was much more compatible with the kind of self-examination I was doing in therapy and around my PTSD. It encouraged me to really look at the particulars of my experience, rather than try to identify with a more universal archetype of "the addict." And doing so allowed me to really see the harm I was doing to myself and others.

 

[tac1212]

Lost Pup, thank you for sharing and for the information about SMART. Right now I'm not even sure I will hear from him ever again much less be in a place to suggest treatment options. I'm wondering if during the time you were drinking you had someone do as I did and try to express how it affected them and how you reacted. I have no way of knowing if he read what I wrote. I guess I'm just trying to gage what a person in his position would think about that kind of gesture. If anyone else reads this and has input, I welcome it. Thanks.

 

[Lost Pup]

Not as directly as you have to your partner. Or not as formally, might be a better way to put it.

I can only speak from my own experience, of course, but my guess would be he did read it, or will. At least I would have. It would have hurt and frightened me and I would have been 100% sympathetic to the message and probably felt deep shame and remorse over haing hurt someone. Yet I think I would have still felt trapped. For me, drinking was the only way I had to feel like I was alive and I would have been much more likely to give up a person (and perhaps feel I was protecting them) than the one thing I could depend on. I really felt as though I was simply in a situation that was beyond my control, even recognizing how maladaptive it really was.

Explaining that is kind of a long, complicated story in itself. But, suffice it to say - until I had worked through some pretty deep stuff, I really felt I had no other way to take care of myself.

Again, my hat is off to you for your command of the unfortunate situation you find yourself in. You are extremely brave to both set your boundaries and communicate them to him so firmly but non-judgmentally. I am certain he will appreciate that deeply. If not now, then surely later.

Best, LP

 

[tac1212]

He tried to reach out today. Missed the call. I was at the gym. I am torn about returning the call. I think I need more time.

 

[tac1212]

Strength please. My sufferer called again tonight. Asked why I didn't answer his call yesterday and asked "what was up with my note" and as predicted, only pointed out how he felt I wronged him that night (I grabbed him and asked why he was doing this to me after he yelled at me and walked away). I admit that was wrong but so much happened before that but he doesn't care. He even admitted that he gets angry at me.

He doesn't understand that my point was that shouldn't happen, at all and the point of my note was that if that's what is going to happen we shouldn't be together. I didnt apologize but I told him we could talk about it if he wanted to. Call was dropped. Called back but of course he didn't call back.