Sexual Abuse And Arousal - Help

[Tipit]

Tehon here. Wondering how you're getting on with talking to your therapist about this? I dipped my toe in the water so to speak in my last session, but I can't seem to bring myself to say 'I get off from thinking about the abuse'...just seems so wrong and putting it into words and then saying them out loud- the thought of that makes me cringe and want the ground to open up and hide me!

 

[Dewok]

My abuse was done by a very close female family member when I was a young girl. It started before I had any knowledge or experience with my own body or sex and it went on for years into my early teens. My abuser never physically hurt me when she abused me. In fact, she made sure it felt good and I liked it. She did this in a role playing kind of way. During these times, she performed sexual acts on me, and when I became aroused and had orgasms, she praised me for it.

I know now this was deliberately done in order to make me feel like I was the one who was guilty. This way I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. Back then however, I didn't know this and felt horrible and dirty for allowing myself to be sexually aroused by my abuser.

The abuse stopped when I was in my early teens after I stopped going to her home. I was very mixed up and had a lot of confusion about my sexuality, because up until then, all of my experiences were with another female. I continued this trend by having a very intense sexual relationship with my female neighbor (my age). To be honest, I very much enjoyed this experience, but looking back on it, I believe I used the relationship to act out my frustrations and anger. I was sexually domineering and aggressive with her, however she was a willing party and enjoyed it as well. After a couple years of this, our sexual relationship ended, but our friendship continued. We have run into each other a few times over the years, but we don't mention what went on.

I have since gotten married and have successfully raised 3 children. I didn't let myself think about my early years and I have never shared this with anyone in my family. However, recently, I have allowed myself to think about my past and re-visit the events that transpired and I was shocked to discover myself feeling sexually aroused by my memories. It was very upsetting and discouraging for me as I always felt like that was a part of me that was dark and disturbed. I found myself becoming preoccupied and at times obsessed with the memories and the arousal that came with it.

I started researching the subject and after finding others with this problem I began trying to tackle my issues. I am learning that by giving myself permission to feel arousal and even letting myself enjoy the physical feelings, I am not admitting I enjoyed being abused. If I let the impulse happen and pass without judging or making a big deal out of it, I feel better about myself. Even if I am aroused by the memories, they are in the past. I don't know if this is a good way to handle it or not, but it is getting me through this. I feel that by working through these feelings, even if it leads to masturbation, it causes me no real harm. If anything, I have become a little more comfortable with my own body.

Am I just kidding myself? Will this backfire on me? Thoughts?

 

[Saki]

I feel like abusing myself when this happens. I get angry that it's happening and want it to stop. Sometimes that means touching myself, but it still feels unpleasant, like I'm abusing myself.

It's not something I feel I could bring up in therapy. So thank you for sharing this thread. It at least makes those feelings less confusing.

 

[Tehon]

Sometimes that means touching myself, but it still feels unpleasant, like I'm abusing myself.

This is exactly how it is for me. :( Until I orgasm, and then I feel doubly worse for doing that.

 

[Ezat]

Saki said: ↑

Sometimes that means touching myself, but it still feels unpleasant, like I'm abusing myself.

This is exactly how it is for me. :( Until I orgasm, and then I feel doubly worse for doing that.

Fepa here.

Me too, I only feel aroused in the most mechanical sense, you know.... the automated arousal response. The actual images I see, they make me sick, cry, traumatized, depressed.

But, they help me come.

I'm trying to think of the orgasm and the masturbation as ways to purge the old energy of being touched unwillingly, clumsily, and never being treated properly, respectfully, lovingly.

My body wants to feel pleasure, and... somehow... working through the abuse seems to mean giving myself that pleasure through the masturbation.

It's very hard to trust that and hard to endure it, but I'm TIRED of being scared of intrusive thoughts, so I'm being strong enough to face them and their after-effects head on.

I found the fever analogy very helpful.

 

[Imen]

Wondering how you're getting on with talking to your therapist about this?

Fepa here again. I was MORTIFIED. I had the worst panic attack I've ever had while disclosing this to her. I posted it in chat, instead of speaking it allowed, and I could still barely function through my fear.

But.. I DID it. I'm very proud of myself.

My therapist was very very gentle and respectful with me. She did not push me or rush me. I told her first, truthfully, I would want to kill myself if she had a bad reaction. She responded to my posting by saying how very very sorry she was for me, that my arousal was tied up with the abuse. She said it wasn't uncommon, and that I was brave to share it.

It's something we've chatted about maybe three times now, down to very deep, ugly, painful levels. She has been understanding and encouraging throughout. She seems to think what I'm doing is healing, to face these very worst fears and to trust her enough to share my darkest thoughts. She actually said she was honored to hear what I had to say.

It's still very difficult to deal with. I'm giving myself a little break from it right now, it's very depressing to deal with, and draining. But.. I'm glad I was honest, and it's easier to deal with than before.

I hope you'll find some peace with it too.

 

[Rawa]

Ireta again.

I want to offer support to everyone going through this. I'm on the other side of it, so please know there IS an "other side". I don't know how long that has to take for each individual.

Your posts are reminding me of how awful and shameful this felt. I felt like I would never be able to separate out abuse from healthy sexuality, and after the stage of feeling consumed by this I still have to focus on that distinction in a way that non-abused people would never have to. The shame no longer feels like my shame though. Now, it's more neutral. Like having to be careful about an old injury so as not to make it flare up again.

This whole healing journey isn't for the faint hearted. Everyone here is brave to be facing this and posting about it.

 

[Wevuvi]

Fazezu here,

I only feel aroused in the most mechanical sense, you know.... the automated arousal response. The actual images I see, they make me sick, cry, traumatized, depressed.

But, they help me come.

Much the same for me, in that the mental imagery of abuse is the only way I can come. I always feel ashamed and disgusting afterwards.

I also like the idea of seeing it as something that I am working through and releasing from my body.

Thanks for commenting Rawa, it's good to know that it's possible to get past this.

 

[Ekini]

I don't know if this is a good way to handle it or not, but it is getting me through this. I feel that by working through these feelings, even if it leads to masturbation, it causes me no real harm. If anything, I have become a little more comfortable with my own body.

Fepa/Ada here. Yes, that's exactly what I'm betting on, and my therapist supports me, and my interpretation. I'm making a traumatic, horrific situation as 'right' as I can, by allowing *all* my feelings about it to be processed, sadness, fear, anger, AND arousal. I'm being courageous to admit them, and allow them. Masturbation is life-affirming, pleasure it good. It's just hard to have it so clouded by traumatic memories, but I'm working *through* it, to get past it, so it doesn't haunt me so, so it doesn't *keep* traumatizing me.

I think you're brave!!!

 

[Ogog]

Dewok here. Thanks for continuing this thread. It's very helpful. I wanted to add the following to my previous comment.

I think that because my abuse was insidious and hidden within the acts of love, comfort and physical care, I find it difficult to hate the abuse without hating all of the good and important things that went with it. How do I enjoy the memories of being hugged, kissed and caressed, etc, which are good things when these same memories are embedded with the bad things?

I am stuck in this cycle of trying to have fond healthy memories that suddenly turn into sexual feelings. I force myself to try to visualize the innocent behaviors but they suddenly become the memories of the sex instead. Then I am compelled to let the memory play out in my mind until I’ve finally masturbated. Only then can I move on and think about something else. It’s a terrible thing……..

 

[Tehon]

Me too, I only feel aroused in the most mechanical sense, you know.... the automated arousal response. The actual images I see, they make me sick, cry, traumatized, depressed.

But, they help me come.

Yes, the images themselves make me feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself, especially as I'm masturbating whilst thinking about it. I've tried thinking about more positive things, but it's still there and somehow it's all that really works. The only thing that really releases the tension.

I like the *working through it* idea, that it is something that I am allowed to do it.

Big hug and well done for those who've spoken in depth about this with their therapist, very brave.

 

[Jucuga]

Fepa/Miki/Ada/Imen/Ekini here. I could use a little... I dunno, support, strategizing, empathy or something here, before I go crazy. I had troublesome houseguests for a week (family) and mostly gave up on dealing with this, gave up on sex, basically. But... I have a fairly high sex drive, it used to be really important to me before I started this therapy and I'm having a hard time trying to ignore it. But every time I want to get off.... I seem to see my father's hands on me, to think of him, terrible thoughts. It's horrible. It feels like every sexual experience is ruined- either I'm stuck thinking of him or spending energy pushing hard not to think of him. I just want to get over this!!!!!!!!!! I'm too tired, stressed, just in too awful of a mental place right now to deal with this. I don't want to feel like I'm being molested every goddamn time I feel aroused.

What am I going to do? What did you all do.... I wish I could see the end of this, but I am SCARED to go through it. Therapy is tremendously hard right now, and I really wanted to take a break from dealing with the trauma for just a little while. I'm trying to focus on grounding and working on some practical, stabilizing issues right now.

Sigh. Can anyone help, or even relate?