General How To Argue?

[muaddib]

Hi!

I can't argue with my boyfriend. (I'm gay, just in case you got confused cause I'm male too.)

He has undiagnosed PTSD and isn't in any kind of therapy except doing what he can himself. I really, really love him and I try to support him wherever I can. I do nearly all the chores, I study and go to work.

Nearly every time I have an opposite opinion to his, he gets into one of his tantrums. It gets especially bad when he thinks I'm doing something wrong and I think I do not.

Is it really a supporter's life to say yes and think no?

 

[partnergoingmadtoo]

10 years down the line in a relationship with a man with C-PTSD, it seems that way, yes, his life would be fine if I never gain-sayed him, he even lies so as to appear "right" about nearly everything.

Never thought I'd be saying it, but I think the ptsd is winning in our relationship :-/

Sorry I can't give you more hope, but you just have to keep living your truth and if yours and his turn out to be too incompatible, IMO there isn't much future....And my partner has spent nearly 8 years in therapy and really wanted to work on it ,and he was.....But the old shit that hasn't been dealt with will always come back to bite you on the arse.....Especially true of child sexual abuse survivors.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. I think that it's important to set boundaries which will thereby enable you to have disagreements in which one party doesn't resort to throwing a tantrum. He needs to know that this sort of behavior is not acceptable. In life, not everything goes our way and we need to be able to tolerate this.

If you always say "yes", it's going to get old FAST. I understand that you want to be supportive, but true support isn't just agreeing with whatever the sufferer says/does. Sometimes support comes in the form of a well intentioned kick in the arse which can motivate us to heal more than constant agreement.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't argue with somebody when their PTSD beast is showing. Just extract yourself from the situation, then approach the subject later calmly and logically. If he is agitated, then you are not going to be able to argue or reason with him like somebody who does not suffer. Adding stress is like throwing gasoline on the fire.

When an argument starts, try stopping it by saying something like "I am not willing to listen to you talk to me like this" or "I do not want to fight with you" and just stop arguing. Leave the house if you need to. Don't call or text until the situation calms down. Later when everybody has cooled down is the time to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you need to take turns talking, and not interrupt each other.

You should tell him that it makes you feel terrible when he blows off your opinions. Everybody is entitled to their own opinions, and you two don't have to agree on everything to be together. In fact if you did, you'd probably get really sick of each other fast. :)

Is it really a supporter's life to say yes and think no?

Not at all. Like Solara said, you have to set boundaries. Not arguing or dealing with a tantrum is boundary. You expecting him to listen to what you have to say during a calm discussion is a boundary.

You don't have to patronize him, placate him, or agree with everything he has to say just because he has PTSD. A supporter just needs to learn how to "argue" in a new way. It's a test in patience lol. There is a lot of good advice about this on this forum too. It has helped me in dealing with my vet. It is amazing how much a dose of calmness will go.

 

[partnergoingmadtoo]

CSA survivors are a whole different ball-game to Vet survivors, I have both all wrapped up in one partner.

CSA hit's at the root of a persons emotional development totally, I thought we had it beaten (knew it was never going to be cured) but I've just been ignoring the lying that keeps on surfacing, always him trying to protect himself (just like a small frightened child) whenever he gets caught out.

I tried to walk away from an argument a few days ago, he had made me incredibly angry so I said " I'm going to explode if I stay and talk to you,so I'll go away now" I should've gone further than into the house from outside, as he simply followed me and inflamed it more.

Sorry to be so maudlin,but we are at the point of me wondering if I WANT to be in this relationship any more.

I will just disengage from his shit,not sure we'll have any relationship left in the future,but all I can do is to start thinking about me now.Make sure you think about yourself Muaddib,it's too easy a mistake to allow yourself to be submerged in their shit.