Suicidal Thoughts

[vtap]

Hi

I've had suicidal thoughts at certain times during childhood together with feelings of intense guilt, shame and sadness. I am now a 26 year old adult now and I've found that I get these automatic thoughts of wanting to die sometimes rather like in childhood. It is like a childhood habit that I can't seem to get rid of.

About 5 years ago my life started to fall apart to an extent as I took excessive recreational drugs to deal with emotional pain and in doing so ruined my career and health. I am finding these past mistakes difficult to forgive and thus feel a high degree of shame and guilt. Sometimes these feelings are so overwhelming that I feel I want to die and think of ways of doing it.

Now this is something I haven't discussed with my therapist as I'm too afraid of her reaction.

If anybody else has similar problems, if you could point me to some solutions, I would be very grateful.

Thanks

 

[Lucycat]

I think you should discuss this with your therapist.

I told mine about - what I thought were pretty innocuous feeling of suicide as a child- and ultimately was told this is not right. I subsequently saw a psychiatrist who was able to put it into perspective and explain why I had felt this. I was shocked as I thought all children felt like this sometimes, but he disagreed. But he had an immediate plan as to how to deal with this and why I felt like this. It helped me. I hope it will help you too.

Please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed to speak honestly with your therapist. It is likely he has heard it all before.

Suicidal feeling are horrendous. You do not have to suffer this alone. Please share with your therapist - they are there to help you.

Regards
Lucy x

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Hi vtap,

I agree with Lucycat on telling your therapist.

In terms of not forgiving yourself due to self-medicating with recreational drugs, I look back on my own bout with recreational drugs in a different way.

In my childhood, from the time of 8, I ruminated on suicide daily. It got so bad at 15-16 years that I started making a plan (I had found my dad's pistol). My family was filled with tormentors, so I couldn't talk to them. I had no therapist. A friend made me promise her to take a hit of weed before I ever picked up the gun. The down side: for all practical purposes, I was stoned for 2 years. But, it got me through, I survived. The up side: I'm still here and now in my 40s.

I still have some mal-adjusted coping skills, but I've also got some good ones. Suicidal thoughts are never far away, but they're more pesky like gnats. I can swat them away and keep going. I am on an antidepressant, and I'm trying to add better ways of dealing with my depression-anxiety.

Anyway, when we are/were young with few trustworthy resources, we do/did the best we can/could.

You're here, you're reaching out. That's very big.

 

[vtap]

Please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed to speak honestly with your therapist. It is likely he has heard it all before.

Thanks for the reply. I guess I'm a little afraid she may have to speak to my GP and think I may actually try to commit suicide. It all stems from a childhood of bullying and emotional abuse where for the latter I felt as if I was held in captivity and being mentally tortured and couldn't get out. I felt the only way out at the time was through dying. I just hope there's a way of eliminating these thoughts at the source. Maybe it will forever be a part of me and I just have to cope.

 

[vtap]

I agree with Lucycat on telling your therapist.

In terms of not forgiving yourself due to self-medicating with recreational drugs, I look back on my own bout with recreational drugs in a different way.

Thanks, that's a good way of seeing it. For me it was MDMA and cocaine that seemed to destroy everything. I lost control completely and I was with people that had lots of it. It was a dangerous situation and I am lucky I didn't go on to do anything harder. The drugs took away the sadness and made me happy but it was short lived, then the depression came back, the symptoms of unprocessed emotions and then it was a downward spiral.

Recently I've found practicing mindfulness and doing exercise help me to stay in control. But once I stop these I have problems.

 

[stuff]

Hey Vtap,

I had these thoughts as a child too, and still struggle with an occasional bought of the suicides. Talking to my therapist about it was a really good thing. She didn't contact my gp or suggest meds or anything. We just worked through why I might have developed those sorts of feelings so early on. It was really helpful to figure out where they were coming from. I can't say I never feel suicidal but it definitely gave me skills to fight those feelings when they creep up on me.

 

[Raj]

This is a daily struggle for me lately and was weekly struggle as a teen. You are not alone and you have been given great feedback here. I am having a really hard time getting help, but I still talk to my family at least. Talk to anyone that will listen!

 

[nimkekaa]

I guess I'm a little afraid she may have to speak to my GP and think I may actually try to commit suicide

I was wondering what you think your GP will do if he/she does think you may actually try to commit suicide. Then when you figure that out then tell your therapist what you are afraid of.

Many times, for me, my fear of what "may" happen if I talked about things I was thinking or experiencing were worse then what actually "did" happen when I talked about it. So now I try and pin point what my fears are and see if they are real concerns or not.

A lot of people think that they will be committed if someone finds out they have suicidal thoughts.

Check out this thread. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/will-my-therapist-force-me-to-go-to-hospital.32499/[/DLMURL]

Being completely honest with your therapist is the best way to get the support you need. Usually they have heard it all and have lots of ideas to help you cope. Suicidal thoughts are more common then you think.

 

[dnp]

When I had these thoughts before I was worried about being committed to a hospital because it would wipe me out financially as I had no health insurance and my area probably has some of the highest health care costs in the world I believe. I wanted to have some money to pass onto those I cared about after my death. So I contacted an organization in another country anonymously that had no power to commit me, the Samaritans in the UK. They do not provide therapy, just support. Just knowing that someone cared enough to want to keep me alive brought me hope. It was enough until I found other ways to cope.

 

[cdg]

I told my p-doc that I had suicidal thoughts or ideation. She asked if I had a plan and I said no because I don't. That was when it became a discussion instead of a committing scenario.

 

[mamachick]

I did not have it as bad as most as a kid. I just knew I was a mistake and felt a lot of guilt for my mothers drinking and depression. I thought I caused it. I thought I caused everything that went wrong. I dont recall ever feeling suicidal as a kid, but I do remember a friend and I played a game when we were about 4 and her parents caught us and we were in big trouble.

We would play along the curb and when a car came, we took turns jumping out in front of it. The drivers got really mad and we laughed and ran off. Eventually the gig was up when her parents found out. I had no fear of death during large parts of my life. The times that I did and really loved life, I always felt that it would be taken from me. Now I pray a mac truck would run over me every day. Everytime I hear of someone in the community that dies prematurely, I know it should have been me.

I have started having a plan. That scares me a bit because I know the brain is hijacked when it comes to others, but for me, it seems the only relief.

 

[cdg]

Now I pray a mac truck would run over me every day.

I feel ya. Hopefully we can get past this thought process some how.