Suicidal Thoughts And Si (trigger)

[Grace511]

I Have been having suicidal thoughts everyday. I also have the urge to si. I SI'ed last week but it was not bad.

I saw my psychiatrist last week but didn't tell him this. I told him about all the things that are making me want to SI and commit suicide but all he did was up my zoloft from 50mg to 100mg and put me on 0.5mg of klonopin three times a day. I have been diagnosed with ptsd and major depressive disorder. I see a new Christian psychologist/therapist friday. I think I might be able to relate to him more than my other one but I will still have to see the psychiatrist for my meds.

I just feel like there is something seriously wrong with me to think about suicide on a daily basis. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is my relationship with God.

 

[quic]

You are in my prayers. Please be sure you're telling your psychologist everything. I know it's hard to admit to somebody what you're thinking. You have friends here sending you love and support. Don't give up, you can get there.

 

[Grace511]

Thank you. I don't like feeling this way and even though the majority of my issues revolve around my parents and brother my parents at least would be distraught if I did it.

I am also close with people at church but I'm tired of running to them with my problems. They cant fix them and I'm not their responsibility. I just feel like I'm in a big black hole with only way out

 

[ms spock]

I am having a battle with the SI (Suicidal Ideation) as well. It is not easy. It is important to tell everything that is going on though. Be Safe.

 

[Artfulone]

Dear Grace511,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling in such a difficult place. Suicidal ideation can be a horrendous thing to deal with. I have experienced it daily for many years in the past. I still get it occasionally but it is nearly gone for me now. You say that you are seeing a Christian therapist, which is a obviously likely to be a good thing because you have such strong faith. I would like to ask however, if this therapist is specifically trained in trauma work. If this person is not specifically trained, then you are likely to need the services of a therapist specifically trained in trauma work. Many therapists claim to have an understanding of trauma work but this is seldom the same as a therapist who has been specifically trained as a trauma therapist.

My advice is to ensure that you have the assistance of a trauma therapist. A good trauma therapist will have no problem with working alongside a Christian therapist. Trauma therapists tend to be trained to perceive more accurately the traumatic symptomology of the client, and in turn to understand how to assist the client in dealing with this and working through their traumas and processing them as safely as possible.

With full blown PTSD this processing often takes many years and their can can be a lot of pain and abreaction involved in this process. Often symptoms may get worse before they get better, but this is often the wisdom of the self in play letting material that was dissociatively numbed, resurface in order to be faced, processed and dealt with in a more conscious manner.

Please consider finding a specialist if you don't already attend one. Healing is often a long and difficult process. For me personally, one of the best sayings that I heard, was on this site......."three steps forward, two steps back". This saying is often accurate for many with PTSD, because engaging in processing trauma can bring up so much difficulties and often much abreaction. Suicidal ideation can often be a part of this. Having a therapist who is specially trained in trauma, enables the therapist to gauge the speed that is right for the client, at each point in the clients journey. This in the long and medium term can save much time in the therapeutic process, because the treatment becomes more tailored to the client and is therefore more client centred.

I hope that you keep going forward, seek appropriate assistance, and gain completion and closure in your journey. Have faith in yourself and the Higher Power/ God within yourself. Best wishes.

 

[Grace511]

Thank you for your response.
I wonder if the meds have anything to do with the si but i have had si before the meds. The urge to self harm is strong too.

 

[quic]

Is there anything you can think of that might help you Focus on self love instead of self harm? I know when I felt like you do now that love for myself was the furthest thing from my mind. I know it sounds cliche but it's true, we have to be our own biggest supporter. Love and appreciation form others can never replace the love we need to feel for our self.

 

[Grace511]

I dont know. Im single, never been in a relationship,have no kids,have no friends, etc. I dont know how to love meself

 

[ms spock]

I would like to ask however, if this therapist is specifically trained in trauma work. If this person is not specifically trained, then you are likely to need the services of a therapist specifically trained in trauma work. Many therapists claim to have an understanding of trauma work but this is seldom the same as a therapist who has been specifically trained as a trauma therapist.

My advice is to ensure that you have the assistance of a trauma therapist. A good trauma therapist will have no problem with working alongside a Christian therapist. Trauma therapists tend to be trained to perceive more accurately the traumatic symptomology of the client, and in turn to understand how to assist the client in dealing with this and working through their traumas and processing them as safely as possible.

It is a good idea to have a trauma specialist. I wasted a lot of time working with ones who were not.

 

[Grace511]

So I saw my doc and it was a good first initial visit. He agrees with my psychiatrist that I have PTSD. After talking to him and telling him some stuff it turns out I was sexually abused. I never told anyone about it and now that I think about it, I think that might be part of the reason why I have social anxiety and don't like people in my personal bubble. Also I think that is why I have never been in a relationship. I like guys but I cannot trust them and I get very nervous around them.

 

[quic]

You are very brave to face your fears and acknowledge what is hurting you. Be proud of the step you have taken. You are in my prayers.

 

[Grace511]

Thanks. I did self harm last wed but did not tell him .....on my checklist I did check suicidal thoughts. He asked me if I would ever do and I said I think about it. He said you know its a mortal sin right (we are both Catholic) and I was like yeah and that is why I probably why I wouldn't do it.

I don't want to get into a religious debate with anyone. I DO NOT THINK ALL PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE GO TO HELL